Opinions needed please

[dilly123]

Amicable divorce 10 years ago have a 15 yr old daughter.. fairly good relationship with her dad.. he lives about 60 miles away demanding retail job (so works lots of weekends) so daughter stays with him once every few months generationally.. he has a baby son with his future wife who he is marrying this year..
we have a private financial agreement which he pays on time monthly £300 so probably a bit above what the CMS would say he should pay..

Dilemma is the wedding this summer is abroad & ds is bridesmaid they have got her dress (not sure how relevant but very inexpensive dress) & he's asked me incase they don't get a chance to shop with her to get her some shoes to wear with the dress.. I don't mind but should I ask him to pay for them or should it come out of the money he gives me anyway.. ? I have been buying her clothes for the 2 week holiday (obviously more summer clothes than she would need if she wasn't going on holiday) he's not offered any extra money.. she also needs a suitcase, beach towel, sun cream, insect repellent (Caribbean) should I be expected to buy these too?

My gut feeling is he should pay for some extras.. he is very tight with money.. (her recent birthday was a gift of £30) never gives me extra for new uniform, didn't pay a penny towards a recent school trip to Belgium (my mum had to help me with that)

I know he will not offer additional money & if I ask will not be happy so if the general opinion is I should swallow additional cost then I won't make a fuss..

I have a young son & I work, but money is tight. In our divorce I walked away with nothing signed over house to him (a whole other story) which he rents out & he & partner have another house.. both in well paid jobs too..

Sorry it's long but feel detail was important.. thank you

*generally not generationally 🤫

Just to add.. I'm a single parent to my younger son (not his) no financial support from sons dad.

& suitcase & beach towels needed as myself & son also away same time & using ours.. (so not being petty)

dilly was it an amicable divorce because you rolled over in order to avoid conflict? Because (this is NOT a criticism of you) it sounds like all you did was postpone conflict. They want HIS dd at HIS wedding, he's well off, very tight, never pays for extras, your money is tight - they should be paying for all expenses and some. The question is more how you go about it, because it's going to mean that you finally have to bite the bullet and stand up to him.

he's asked me incase they don't get a chance to shop with her to get her some shoes to wear with the dress.. I don't mind - I think you should mind. You're being used.

I think I would ask given what you have posted and the additional costs like suitcase which wont be cheap. Can you Explain the extras you are having to buy and so can he send an extra £100 in his payment

No he might not be happy but he’ll get over it when he reflects I expect. There’s no reason for you to contribute to his wedding costs which is essentially what would be happening if you pay for it all

'No problem, I'd be happy to sort out her bridesmaids shoes. Just wondering what you were prepared to spend on them? I Just need an idea of what you're comfortable spending'

What would he say if you said you're happy to take her if he doesn't have the time, but you don't have the money?

@onalongsabbatical

At the time of the separation I was not in a good place mentally we lost a young child. I had switched off from the marriage a year previously due to the pressure of caring for a profoundly disabled child. He wouldn't leave the home put up with a sexless loveless marriage & slept on the sofa for that year.. said he didn't want to give up on the marriage.. could have only afforded to rent a bedsit or move home to his parents.. it was only in hindsight did I realise it was probably more of a financial grip he wanted to maintain so against the advice of a solicitor I left & went into private rental.

Thank you everyone

@GummyGoddess

I'm not sure.. I just worry he'll say oh well she's got flip flops or the casual sandals that I've already bought for her holiday (cheap Primark ones).. he doesn't put any importance on her appearance at all nor his own.. simply doesn't have a clue about how important appearance is to 15 yr old girls. His partner doesn't seem at all bothered that ds wants look special as a bridesmaid (dress is from Boohoo in the sale) there's no provision for ds to have her hair done on the day so I've had her practicing doing styles herself. I know it's none of my business but the thought of ds feeling so unimportant at the wedding upsets me. She hates the dress but doesn't want to cause trouble.. I've told her I cannot get involved in that & if she can't speak up she'll have to put up with it..

I’m so, so sorry to hear that you lost a child, OP, and of course all of that makes how you handled everything perfectly explicable. The problem is that he’s probably got used to being able to walk over you, and if you really don’t want that to carry on (again, no criticism, I sincerely believe we do what we feel able to in these situations) you are going to have to challenge his assumptions with a ‘no’ sooner or later. The fact you’ve come here for support suggests to me that you’re wanting to stand up to him more. If that’s the case, I’d say go for it. I can’t see any reason you should subsidise the wedding of a man who left you, can you?
Given all of that backstory it’s about so much more than affording a pair of shoes.

I feel sorry for your DD now, is there any way that she might be able to insist that they go get something the next time she visits or is that not in her personality to be so forward?

Could you encourage him to do it as some sort of bonding exercise?

Sorry for the way her DF and his partner are treating her, not you!

You’re doubting yourself OP and being overly compliant. It sounds like a shit situation for your poor DD but I think you need to draw a line and remember that he’s equally responsible. When we got married the very idea of asking DSC mum to put her hand in her pocket or give up her time to buy them anything for our wedding (or any holidays with us!) is mad. We sorted their outfits and have a complete house full of stuff for them. We have them twice a week so it’s different as she sees him less often, but still.

He needs to buy her an outfit she likes and is comfortable. If it’s cheap that’s fine but she should be happy and he should care that she is! My DSDs dress cost double my wedding dress. She adored it and still gets it out whenever she can. That mattered so much to us both. She doesn’t fit the shoes we got her anymore but we’ll kept them forever, they’re special.

He’s being unfair and incredibly unreasonable. If your private agreement for child support is more than the CMS minimum then that’s great. It doesn’t mean that you’re on the hook for extras for HIS wedding or holiday HE’S taking her on. Anything additional she needs when she’s with HIM is his responsibility. She’s 15, if he hadn’t got time to take her shopping or she’d ratget do it without him, could she ask him for the money and choose what she’d like herself?

You’ve been through a lot. I’m so sorry. Remember that he’s an equal adult and parent and you’re long divorced. It’s not your job to compensate for his failings.

Thank you all so much.. not much real life support so your kind words have moved me..
You are all so right, dd has been through a lot too & deserves to feel special.. I will definitely address the shoe issue when we find some (no easy task when she lives in converse) 🤣 & I'll text him & ask if the price is ok for him making it clear he'll have to pay me back.. & as far as the suitcase goes will ask a general is he going to see her before the wedding to give her a suitcase followed by has he got the sun cream & insect repellent as GP says it's very important to use along side Malaria tablets.

Really appreciate not being told I'm being petty or grabby.. I honestly think he doesn't realise that with £30 a month mobile, £20 a week school meals, £20 a week on clubs plus her social activities & everything else means £300 isn't a huge amount of money as she gets older.

How about a pair of personalised converse to make DD feel a bit special?_
_
https://www.converse.com/uk/en/products/converse/customise/shop-by/all-custom?pmpt=PROMOTIONPRODUCTTYPEQUALIFYING&sz=48&start=0&pmid=AllOrderable-AllComingSoon-products-promotion

Just an update on same subject,. Dd had a text message from future step mother today that reads .. How's the wedding shoe shopping coming on? & I've put a little list of other things you'll need as well as your clothes:
Shampoo
Conditioner
Deodorant
Toothpaste
Toothbrush
Hair removal stuff
Sanitary towels
Sun cream
Insect repellent

I have literally blown a gasket & messaged exh saying I will not be providing anything else from said list other than clothes, swimwear & underwear all of which is new & has cost me substantially more than her usual summer wardrobe because of quantity needed for a 2 week holiday.. while dd is in his care surely it's up to him to provide her basic necessities & more importantly sun screen & insect repellent. I am disgusted that you should expect me or dd to provide those & so far have bit my tongue to keep the peace but this message & it's piss taking content has tipped me over the edge..

Awaiting a response..

Glad you have responded...trying to see their side could they assume your dd would want to bring her brands of stuff?

I think it would be worth saying...happy to get stuff for dd but can you send her £100 so that she has the money to buy what is needed.

£100 should not be a big deal at all..I hope they give her spending money as well...might be worth prompting them.

I hate mean people, especially where their children are concerned

Well done

His response was should he only give me half my money next month as dd is in his care for 2 weeks.. so I said yes that's fine so when he comes to pick her up she will be just in the clothes she's standing & he'll need to go & buy her holiday wardrobe!!

He's such an arse!!!

He sounds like a CF. Can you tell them she can't afford to go and see what they say

He should definitely buy the wedding outfit but at 15 she really needs to have her own suitcase and beach towels so I think that should be provided by you.

Have you checked the child maintenance website to see what he should be paying you? I think that might make a difference to your thinking, one way or another.

Don't agree to take no maintenance for those two weeks! CMS is calculated over a year, so he's already paying less than he could be as he gets a discount for the nights she's with him.

He is taking the absolute piss and I'm so pleased you've replied and told him where to get off. They're a couple of twats. As a stepmum as well as human being, this sort of bullshit hacks me right off.

I know you want what's best for her and for her not to miss out, but he's equally responsible for her and it's time he stepped up and provided for her.

at 15 she really needs to have her own suitcase and beach towels so I think that should be provided by you.

No, not a chance. He plans a holiday, he pays for everything she needs.

Thank you everyone for your kind response it has really helped me stand my ground..
Coincidentally I have always thought he pays quite generously with his child support as a private agreement but I did the online calculation & without knowing his actual income I can only estimate (he's an area manager for large retail company) but as a rough estimate of £30k a year he actually has been underpaying by approx £200 a year.

To add to the situation today future step mum txt my dd with their address (I don't have it) saying just to remind you it's almost your dads birthday & Father's Day next Sunday are you sending him a card?

I said to dd if she wants to get one out of her pocket money then that's fine but I will certainly not be buying them anymore