Recovering from life afterwards

[Helpnow1]

Feeling like nothing again. I had decided to end our marriage and that was a very hard decision. However went to Relate yesterday and feeling right back to the worst. Can anyone tell me I'm not worthless please, I have woken up so low. I know I'll feel ok again but doesn't seem that way right now.

@helpnow you are certainly not useless!!! I know you will be full of guilt right now but that's normal. Was something particular said at Relate to make you doubt your decision??? Are you going to Relate solo or with your partner?? Of you haven't already I would say do have some individual sessions.... it can help. Alps if you havnt already tell a trusted friend or family member what's going on. It will help. [Flower]

If Relate is making you feel like that, stop going. Is it couple counselling, or their mediation service?

Open the window, or go outside, find something alive and beautiful to look at, and concentrate on that.

Thank you both so much for responding. I got an error message when I clicked on Post so I thought it hadn't worked, and I gave up. So was very surprised to see an email telling me I had a reply.

It was couples counselling. I told H I needed to split up about 2 weeks ago but a day or two after that, I had an afternoon when all I could think of was the nice bits. I decided to suggest relate and H said yes but for me it was a last ditch effort.

The counsellor was lovely but what H said made me feel the worst feelings he has caused me many times before and it was awful. I felt powerless, worthless, not heard and it was like a cold shower after starting to feel normal again after announcing my split decision.

This morning I woke very early and the whole relate scene played clearly in my head. In a strange way I think it has been good as I now know I really have to end things.

I won't be going to another couples session. I have started the Freedom Programme online this morning and hope it will help me for the future (and now!)

Thanks again and sorry for long post x

I should add, I have 2 amazing friends who are wonderful. Family also being supportive.

Mrs Bert, spending time with my animals or outside has helped keep me sane!

Just got to tell the children now, dreading it.

Helpnow. You will have amazing days when you think nothing can touch you and says You just want to cry.

I am sure you have done all you could.

Keep busy. Get lots of real life support. And professional help if you think you need it. Take each day as it comes. Time goes very quickly I promise you.

Eve34 thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I felt a lot better most of today, but now again feel like crying. I've never been so up and down emotionally!

I'm having a poo day too just had to end my "new " relationship 2years post divorce after realising it wasn't right ! Feeling back to square 1 but at least I was strong enough to admit it this time rather than drag it out ! Offficially in my own with dcs now scary isn't it sending hugs xxx

samesh1tdifferentday yes, it's scary. I'm really sorry your new relationship hasn't worked out and hope you'll feel much better soon. Hugs to you and thank you xxx

Oh wonderful women, why can life be so cruel? Hand holds all round. I can't sleep for worry about how my own life is panning out. It's scary being alone with a family to bring up. I have never felt so isolated. However, thanks to Mumsnet, we can reach out to support each other and offer words of support. Tomorrow is a new day and we will be fine. Just one day at a time I find keeps things manageable. Hugs and love 💕 all round .

goldiehawn1 I'm sorry to see you were awake at 2.50. The effect of the worrying on sleep is terrible, isn't it, and I always used to be a really good sleeper. I hope that will come back for us when we get through these times.
Mumsnet is great especially as I would hate to ring my friends at these ridiculous times of night!
We'll get there and it will all be worth it. I can't wait. The advice I've read, to take little steps at a time, and be kind to myself, is so true.
Sending love and hugs too 🌷

I’m so glad I found this thread. I decided to leave 8 months ago.... came back and now 6 months later I’m in the same situation. I’m so torn between this being the right decision or not but I also know a huge amount of it is down to my huge fear of being on my own and lonely. I’m also feeling so so guilty for inflicting so much pain on him and can’t even begin to think about telling the DCs I feel like the worlds worst person ever. He didn’t do anything to deserve this either. Physically I can’t go near him... the pressure has been unreal to the point where I now just freeze. I can’t even bring myself to hug him or kiss him. I know if we go out to dinner etc that sex will be expected and I just can’t. It’s so awful. I haven’t been able to leave the house at all today just wallowing wondering what I’ve done dreading what people will say. Especially his family. Can’t believe she’s done this to you again etc. It’s a very lonely and sad place so I feel everyone’s pain. Sending hugs.

@Goatlady5812 hello! So sorry you're in such a horrible situation. Sending lots of hugs your way.

I know that awful feeling about the physical affection. My H simply could not and I think never will understand that pressure to do anything physical is the best turn-off. It's totally my fault in his opinion.

It took a long time and lots of thought to get to the position of feeling sure the relationship couldn't go on. In my case there are plenty of other factors! It's very very difficult.

I hope you will sort out your feelings enough to know what to do for the best. Personally I feel I could not be more lonely on my own than in a marriage with no closeness.

Yes you are right. I am very much one of life’s people pleasers... will do anything possible to avoid upsetting people including tying myself up in knots. Just read a book called too good to leave too bad to stay... quite enlightening. Talks about touch.. I can’t bear to even hug or kiss at the moment which pretty much seems to suggest it’s done... wonder how I ever ended up here!!!! I hope you are feeling brighter this evening xxxx

Take it an HOUR at a time. Literally. It is a very difficult time.

@ferriswheel yes, good advice.

@Goatlady 5812 I'm feeling okay this evening, thank you. Hope you are too. Have you anyone in real life to talk to? I had a long telephone conversation with my lovely friend - really great x

@Goatlady5812 I have heard of that book - sounds good. I found Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? & Should I Stay Or Should I Go? excellent. Reading them gave a good feeling of not being crazy or imagining things - and not being the only person tied up in confusion.

Ooh I may try those! Thank you! Yes plenty of people to talk too Just conscious of always moaning on about it!!! X

@samesh1tdifferentday @goldiehawn1 how are you both getting on?
@Goatlady5812 yes I know what you mean x

Anticipate living without the knot in the stomach. Life without the knot is available in two versions
V1 - without a partner and has the most freedom - the downside if you have children is it can be very hard work, but the joy is all yours.
V2 - you may find a partner after time and decide to share your freedom - can be amazing- as long as you NEVER feel the The Knot.
Other versions are available too.
I lived with The Knot for years, once you get used to not feeling it, life becomes about living, not surviving.....
Good luck & look forward.

@Chickenagain that's exactly where I'm headed! 😁 V1 I think! Thank you x

@Helpnow1 My pleasure! You just wait!! Life will be good

@Chickenagain I take it yours is good now then - hope so

I'm better than ever at the moment now thank you have released the pressure of new relationship that wasn't working and now I am on my own!!!! It's only now I realise I'm stronger than I first thought and that I may be in my own but doesn't mean I'm ALONE. Cheesy I know but so true.
Got great friends around me and am finding my feet with a clinical psychologist who is worth every penny hope you manage to build strength life is too short. Sending hugs here if anyone needs to vent it's tough 💕

Ps my knot gone too

@samesh1tdifferentday that's really great to hear! Is the psychologist for counselling? I think I might need that after the divorce is settled. What kind of help does he/she give? Is it talking through your feelings?