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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Recovering from life afterwards

57 replies

Helpnow1 · 22/03/2018 05:05

Feeling like nothing again. I had decided to end our marriage and that was a very hard decision. However went to Relate yesterday and feeling right back to the worst. Can anyone tell me I'm not worthless please, I have woken up so low. I know I'll feel ok again but doesn't seem that way right now.

OP posts:
iamthrough · 31/03/2018 19:45

@goatlady5812 Just wanted to say Hi and know absolutely exactly what you're going through. It's a horrible thing to have to go through.. Unfortunately no one can tell you what to do. Have you discussed your feelings with Husband? I also rwad the same book as you and agree it opened my eyes to what was happening.... and that i wasnt going mental.

Goatlady5812 · 31/03/2018 20:59

I have tried to discuss it a million times... my feeling is that I have already ‘checked out’ just terrified of actually saying this and very fearful of being alone I guess? Or regretting it later on. It’s been a great comfort to me reading this thread. X

samesh1tdifferentday · 01/04/2018 17:22

The therapy is for coping strategies for both moving forward, coping with the children, lack of communication from exH and general positivity. It has been so helpful and I'm only 6 sessions in.I look forward to checking I. With her each week!
I wouldn't wait until the divorce is settled it would help all the way through ! I can give you details if you want to PM me?

Original poster
Helpnow1 · 01/04/2018 17:31

Thank you, @samesh1tdifferentday , I've sent you a PM.

@goatlady5812 hope you sort out your feelings so you can decide what to do. I always felt that if I just explained better, H would understand, but finally realised he didn't actually care what I really felt, even though he insisted he did x

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samesh1tdifferentday · 01/04/2018 20:19

Where will the PM go to being a bit thick 😂

Original poster
Helpnow1 · 01/04/2018 22:17

@samesh1tdifferentday you have an inbox when you log in x

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monalisa21 · 02/04/2018 23:34

Hello goatlady and help. I have just found this thread. Just wanted to say that I decided 2 y ago to leave my husband who I had known for almost 25 years. I went to counselling out of guilt- didn't learn anything there, didn't get the strength or advice I wanted. Had one session at relate....I cannot think of anything worse that being intimate with him. We are still under the same roof. He doesn't get it that's it is over. I know that I cannot be with him, but still feeling guilty for hurting him despite the fact that he has done so many hurtful things, things other women wouldn't tolerate at all. Please stay strong, all takes time. If you take a step back like myself, that's for a reason, that's a lesson learnt and another thing to add to list why you need to leave him. But I agree, it is so so hard.

monalisa21 · 02/04/2018 23:40

I cannot wait to get to V1!

samesh1tdifferentday · 03/04/2018 08:17

Hi Monalisa I had counselling pre-divorce too as I struggled majorly to leave him like you guys, the marriage counselling was nothing but a bad experience as she left me to counsel HIM after our split and wouldn't continue to see me any more.
Since having now left and keeping strong to a point (I've been divorced 6 months now he's moved on and I'm still alone ) my counselling is now more to do with the way which he treats me and the children ( this is what prevented me from leaving in the first place!)so I in effect realised I didn't want to be with him but still needed therapy. I would say don't be defeated by therapy either as you can get bad ones but I will say the difference when you find a great one makes all the difference. You do kind of have to be " ready" though. I guess I had, had enough of feeling low and I wanted a better life for us since leaving ( which I definitively have!) he's proven to be the narcissist I married but I am becoming stronger than him now, he's tried to make me homeless, taken me to court for finances , hidden his money at that point, left me with no earning potential after being SAHM prior to leaving seen me leave university which I had just started due to stress, demanded 50/50 childcare ( which works ok but I really struggled with) got and moved in with a girl and New family which is also fine apart from they now have major issues going on in the new home for reasons can't explain publicly and worst of all saw me at a good bank last Xmas whilst he took the new bunch on holiday. I have no family here and he not only had the support of his new girlfriend he had his whole family around to help him which they do.
6 months on I got to stay in the family home, I'm happy, back at university, still accepting my situation both short and long term children seem fine (?I've offered them counselling if they want it just as their dad makes their loyalties torn ) and enjoy my free time at last which I also struggled with after never having any.
I just hope that this helps as it's so hard seeing you guys struggle on in unhappy marriages I did try for 3 years before I left to make it work, so good luck and try not to over think it all I've learnt that it is what it is and that the present day is the one to focus on each day

samesh1tdifferentday · 03/04/2018 08:18

What's v1 please?

mamaonion · 03/04/2018 09:01

I’m a few months in. Some days I feel empowered and free, others I feel worthless and a total failure. But I’ve learnt to ride the feelings out, focus on kids, chores, my new job and organising a social get together of some sort once a week. This has kept me sane. It’s a rollercoaster but I think it’s getting easier very slowly. The guilt is hardest, and the judgement of others who don’t get it. Because I instigated the split I’ve been told I’m mad, need medication and am having a mid life crisis!! My husband became beet controlling and vindictive when he lost it became clear it was over as he was desperate but he is coping better I think. Communication between us is hard but I just think we’re In a process and in the long run it’s right.
I have felt so confused and tried coupled counselling but I think because I didn’t want to make it work this just left me feeling worse. I see a counsellor myself who knows all my history and this is a godsend - although can only manage the every few weeks,

It’s heartening to know others are experiencing similar - we’ll get through it!

Original poster
Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 09:10

Hi @monalisa21 and @mamaonion xx
It's a hard road. Yesterday was rubbish but this morning I have woken up feeling more positive and I am just telling myself wait, wait, soon he will be out of here and I can start going forward
I am a very impatient person once I have decided on something though, so it's extremely difficult.

@samesh1tdifferentday V1 is one of the versions of freedom posted higher up on this thread - a really good encouragement to keep going through the hell to get out the other side x

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Original poster
Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 09:11

It was by @Chickenagain

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Goingmad1234 · 06/04/2018 08:36

I am thinking of relate what did they say did they feel they could help

Goingmad1234 · 06/04/2018 08:47

How many times do you need to go to give it a fair chance

Goingmad1234 · 06/04/2018 08:48

Although I’m not sure my oh will go

Original poster
Helpnow1 · 06/04/2018 16:37

Hi @Goingmad1234 I'm really not sure what to say about relate! We only went once and it was far too late. I think it can only work if both of you are really open and willing. This didn't work for us because I had already begun to move on thinking it was hopeless - which I am sure it is - and H was blaming me entirely and portraying himself as victim, but saying of course he loved me etc etc. It was actually really painful ☹️

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Original poster
Helpnow1 · 07/04/2018 12:03

Do any of you have any suggestions for how to help protect a DS (15) against emotional and verbal abuse? I mean the extremely subtle approach, not obvious arguing or nasty comments. Any online material, book, anything? Thank you x

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monalisa21 · 07/04/2018 23:48

Samesh1. It is nice to hear that you are on the other side and you are coping quite well. Back at university! That's fantastic! There is a light in the end of a tunnel.

Goingmad1234 · 08/04/2018 08:12

Hi Helpnow1, I can see that it was to late.

My OH is great with our 15 year old Autistic DS and know it can be tiring especially for me as I do the marjority of the care but that isn’t a long term excuse. I find it very tiring.

He obviously cannot hide the fact that physically he seems to be ok of course if he wasn’t that would be fine. I would be sympathetic and I would try and work together with him to move forward.

He has never laid a finger on me or threatened me in anyway thankfully, so anything more something like relate my be more harmful than good.

It’s just getting him there as I see little point if he wil not come. OH feels it’s washing dirty linen in public.

It is of course reasonable to want to be treated like a wife, friend and lover.

If he will not treat me as a wife, friend and lover as his role in the marriage then that is hurtful and abusive. I keep on trying to make it work.

Ignoring my feelings will not make them go away it will just make them worse.

Original poster
Helpnow1 · 08/04/2018 09:09

@Goingmad1234 your situation sounds very hard and I really feel for you. Relate might help and your OH may be persuaded to go if he realises your feelings are bad enough - washing dirty linen in front of the relate counsellor is better than it all coming out anyway if you break up! Ignoring your feelings is not okay - you should not have to and we only get one life. It leads to agonising mental turmoil! x

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Goingmad1234 · 08/04/2018 09:59

I am older OH and not exactly the young girl he married but he is not the young man either. I am not that bad and I still have needs. Maybe I am. I rather he say I’m not attractive anymore. Than continue this abuse of blaming my DS for him being tired.

Original poster
Helpnow1 · 08/04/2018 14:04

@Goingmad1234 will he discuss it with you reasonably?

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Original poster
Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 22:04

How is everyone?
The mood swings are quite staggering I find - I've never experienced anything like this before. I can be feeling wildly eager and excited about the prospect of a new life, then plunged down into gloom about the reality now.

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colouringinagain · 10/04/2018 22:15

Hi can I join too? Sympathies to you all.

I've been separated for a year, after 25 years together Sad 90% sure this is it.

Totally agree about the mood swings - some days I feel fab and positive about the future. Others like I am rubbish and destined for a life of misery and loneliness.

I'm finding it so hard to have made this decision, but need to find a way forward for me two v sensitive dcs.