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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

DH wants 60% of everything...

80 replies

Penury · 12/03/2018 19:30

so we met in our late 30s, we both had a house and savings and pensions. we had 3 dcs in the next 5 years and since then I have been home based, a joint agreement that someone should be at home. since then dh's earnings have rocketed - he set up a business I help with, we have enjoyed a good standard of living. i have worked too but part time low paid stuff to be around for the dcs.now we are splitting up and he wants 60% of our total assets. ive had a solicitor consultation and it was just so woolly and vague. we have had mediation and the same. we keep being told we need to decide what is right for us given our circumstances but i dont know what would be fair and no one seems to be willing to stick thier neck out and say. i have no career. dh has a fab career. i will be primary carer, dh can carry on earning. plus i have recently found out that dhs pension is double mine (he kept that quiet) i dont know where to start to negotiate, he is adamant its 60:40 his way

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2018 20:29

Then it's fifty fifty op. Why does he think he should get 20 percent more than you? That's ridiculous. Fifty fifty or you will see him in court.

OptimisticHamster · 12/03/2018 20:32

Shit hot lawyer. Good luck. Tell us how it goes (even if it takes a long time! If you want to...)

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/03/2018 20:35

Definitely time for a shit hot lawyer. You'll get a share of his pension, most likely a bigger share of the house than him and maintenance.

Original poster

Penury · 12/03/2018 20:35

he has issues emotionally - hes a distant angry father to my dcs - and i wonder if he thought at least he was good at being the bread winner so maybe to him im challenging that. but thats outside the legal remit i know.

OP posts:

ilovekitkats · 12/03/2018 20:36

OP, I don't see any way why he should get more than 50%. If you are happy to settle for 50% and think it is fair, then do that, but you really do need legal advice, as it could go more in your favour.

If you are trying to be decent, then there is no way it should be less than 50/50 if you brought equal assets to the marriage.

NoSquirrels · 12/03/2018 20:36

He can be as adamant as he likes.

So can you.

Mediation has clearly failed. Lawyer up.

Or tell him you will be taking him for 70-30 unless he agrees to come back to mediation with a better attitude than “I get most of it just because”.

Quartz2208 · 12/03/2018 20:36

Tell him if he wants it quickly its 50/50. If he insists on more it will have to be solicitors and you will go for at least 60/40 (including his pension)

PoorYorick · 12/03/2018 20:37

Get the solicitor, this is what they're for.

and i wonder if he thought at least he was good at being the bread winner so maybe to him im challenging that.

I don't think he's capable of such nuanced thinking. He's just a selfish angry and entitled turd who doesn't care about anything but himself. Get the solicitor, you can't let him shaft you like this. Marriage is a protection, use it.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 12/03/2018 20:40

didint want to do the solicitor thing, its gets acrimonious.
Yes, but even if you want to keep things amicable (I think you might struggle for reasons others have given. Knowing where you stand legally/what you would likely to be awarded/what's fair makes it easier to negotiate even if you do go down the negotiations and mediation route in the end.

bastardkitty · 12/03/2018 20:40

No - tell him if he wants it done quickly it's 60/40, but if he wants to spin it out you'll go for 70.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 12/03/2018 20:41

Also, I'd bet my last pound he's already sought good legal advice...

Avasarala · 12/03/2018 20:42

Doing it without solicitors and keeping it friendly only works when both parties care that the other is happy and everything is fair. He doesn't. You are not being unreasonable and selfish in expecting more. And he isn't going to budge. As much as you don't want too, at least go and talk to your own solicitor (a good one) and see what they say, but you should be getting minimum of 50% - however, since you helped him with his business and stayed at home to raise the kids, you could be awarded more - especially since he's made sure he has a good pension and left you with less.

It won't stay all rosey if he isn't going to budge so you need to make the choice

take less money, bearing in mind your future earning capacity, and keep him happy (you won't be)
get your fair share and leave him annoyed, but you and the kids will have what you need. You're still going to be primary care giver after all of this.

sexnotgender · 12/03/2018 20:43

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer!

Good luck.

SecondaryConfusion · 12/03/2018 20:45

Why aren’t you driving a solicitor for advice? He doesn’t need to know but you n Ed someone to guide you on what’s fair - not someone who is vague.

Go for as much equity as you can becuase you will be the one supporting three DC - where will you house them if you get turfed out of the family home when youngest turns 18 or if you can’t afford to buy soul where of your own?

ZenNudist · 12/03/2018 20:45

Youre due half his pension and half the value of the business. Lawyer up. Like it or not this acrimonious

SecondaryConfusion · 12/03/2018 20:46

Sorry so many typos! Your ex made me angry type :)

Honestly you’ve given up your career and brought up his DC - why does he think he should get more of your joint marital assets?

NaiceBiscuits · 12/03/2018 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummmy2017 · 12/03/2018 20:48

Get a solicitor.
You will get 60% of everything you own.
They now count being a parent as a job.
So they add every thing you own as a couple. Take away all debts. And you get Your share of that amount. Due to you having the children you will get more. And can off set pension against the house.

Terftastic · 12/03/2018 20:48

You should get more than 50% - as you have made a career sacrifice for the sake of the family, to look after your and his children.

My friend in your position got to stay in the house (I think she bought him out for a lump sum), the car, child maintenance and spousal maintenance- without even going to court. And believe me, he was no pushover - he was nasty. She had a good lawyer though.

Spousal maintenance is getting rarer, but if you are the children's primary carer, and took low paid work to fit around them (whilst his earning capacity has sky-rocketed) - then you may be awarded it.

ImListening · 12/03/2018 20:50

Firstly get a better solicitor. I used to do family law. Yes it can get acrimonious but usually because one party is trying to shaft the other as your ex is trying to do. The solicitor will protect you. That’s their job.

Start with 70:30. He can whistle for 40:60.

AdaColeman · 12/03/2018 20:51

Forget about amicable, he's not your friend anymore.
Go for 70/3O.
Don't forget that you gave up a career so that he could have one, he will benefit from that life long.

iheartmichellemallon · 12/03/2018 20:55

Good point from pp - I reckon he'll have seen a solicitor already.

category12 · 12/03/2018 20:58

Should be 60/40 your way at least - your career took a backseat for the dc and still will as you're primary carer, therefore don't have the opportunity to earn or build a pension pot in the same way as he does and has.

Get a decent solicitor, forget amicable - he's not being reasonable, or fair.

Lonelystarbuckslover · 12/03/2018 20:59

It's already acrimonious. This is hideous.

You couldn't have got a more acrimonious split than my parents - all my mothers doing btw. They had their own business that was only my mums in name/marriage and we stayed with dad. Yet he very willingly gave her half of everything because guess what? It was only her being a SAHM that allowed him to have a family AND build up that business. He doesn't begrudge her a penny of it.

You are entitled to half.

bastardkitty · 12/03/2018 21:05

The other reason you have to play hardball is because whatever maintenance is agreed as part of the financial settlement, he will change to CMS calculation after 12 months and pay himself a pittance through the business to avoid paying proper maintenance. So you have to fight now for every penny. I know it's not your nature. But you need a legal powerhouse to deal with a cunt and not get ripped off.

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