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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

H wants to proceed without solicitors. Is that even possible?

56 replies

AForest · 07/03/2018 18:46

H and I agreed to separate back in December, but kept things together over Christmas etc, and I suppose there never is a good to time to move things along. I am pushing for divorce however I am a stay at home mum, although I have started my own small business which will be a slow burner I think. My H is dragging his feet as he is happy with our marriage, and doesn't want to sell the house etc. He seems happy with no intimacy, no physical relationship for years, hardly speaking etc.. He has promised to see me right financially and doesn't want to use solicitors. However I feel very unsafe doing this. He has a big wage, has control over the finances, has a good pension, wants to buy me out of the house. We have 3 DC 13, 11 and 7 and two dogs. We have agreed to parent equally as far as possible and his working hours allow. I have no doubt he will look after the children well financially but I am not so sure about me. I have given up my career to be at home with the children while his career has blossomed. Our eldest has complex needs and is part time at school so it has been hard for me to resume work full-time. I am currently getting a financial settlement consultation through Wikivorce. I don't want to take him to the cleaners, but don't feel I have enough knowledge to get a fair settlement.

Has anyone divorced without solicitors? Does it work? If I use Wikivorce would he need his own legal representation. We are trying to remain amicable but he wants 50/50 and I've been told I can go for 60/40 on the house which he objected to. I think I might just have answered my own question!

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 07/03/2018 18:48

50/50 is fine as long as it’s the same with savings, pension etc too.....that’s where it seems to come undone for some men.

RandomMess · 07/03/2018 18:51

How are you going to know that he has declared ALL his earnings, savings, assets...

Somerville · 07/03/2018 18:52

Yes, you answered your own question!

One of my friends didn't use a solicitor - but they rented and had no pensions. Another didn't because her STBXH basically signed the house and car over to her, and agreed spousal maintenance while she retrained. Everyone else I know who has started without a solicitor has suddenly realised they need one!

RandomMess · 07/03/2018 18:58

My first H and I divorced and just had a solicitor each sign Off agreement. However it was a short marriage and it was only about me getting back out the £ I put in.

Original poster
AForest · 07/03/2018 19:04

Yes RandomMess you are right, I wouldn't know if he had declared everything. Although I feel that using a solicitor will make it more confrontational, I think I have to be strong. Part of my issues are about being controlled to a certain extent and our communication with each other isn't good. For example when I told him how depressed I feel and a while back, he was impassive and unsupportive. He was also completely unemotional during our Relate sessions while I was crying my eyes out. I was wondering if it was even possible to go ahead without legal representation.

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
waterSpider · 07/03/2018 19:10

Possible - yes.
Wise in your circumstances - almost certainly not.

CPtart · 07/03/2018 19:10

What does he mean by 'parent equally ' and how does he plan to manage this with a high flying career and a DC with additional needs? He won't. There's nothing equal about it. The donkey work will be down to you.
As a woman, always prepare for worse case scenario. Protect yourself and your long term future and see a solicitor.

GrockleBocs · 07/03/2018 19:11

It certainly was possible to divorce without using solicitors and I don't think it's changed. I did it all myself. However I had no dc to worry about. I did use a solicitor to handle switching the house to my name and tying it up properly with a consent order iirc.
Given the in-balance in financial matters, the dc and house, I think you'd be silly not to find a good solicitor.

Worldsworstcook · 07/03/2018 19:16

YOU can do it yourself and very cheaply too but unless it’s done right either you or DH can still have claim to each other’s pensions/incomes etc further down the line. I’d certainly be taking legal advice before considering this route.

InfiniteSheldon · 07/03/2018 19:20

Of course he does. You however should get a solicitor pronto. He does not have your best interests in mind.your solicitor will.

Knittedfairies · 07/03/2018 19:21

If you don't use a solicitor, how will you hold him to account if things go pear-shaped, however amicably?

PilarTernera · 07/03/2018 20:05

don't feel I have enough knowledge to get a fair settlement

Which is exactly why you need detailed professional advice.

Whatiwishfor · 07/03/2018 20:30

I think tbh if there are control issues you will have to use a solicitor, its amazing how controlling and nasty things can get and quickly. You could attempt to use mediation, think its always good to have a 3rd person to be able to take an impartial look at things.

blueshoes · 07/03/2018 20:56

Of course he won't want to use a solicitor. He will come off badly in the divorce courts. This is precisely why you need a solicitor. Why don't you consult a solicitor anyway, keep the solicitor on the back burner and play along that you did not get a solicitor.

Compare the terms he offers with the ones the solicitors say he should stump up and make your own decision.

The point about whether he has declared his assets is a very good one. You should collect as much financial info as you cannot without alerting him. Act dumb for now.

Please speak to a solicitor. No good will come of it. You have a duty to your dcs to make sure you get everything you can out of him.

blueshoes · 07/03/2018 20:58

No good will come of it if you don't use a solicitor

Original poster
AForest · 07/03/2018 22:07

Thank you all for some much needed clarity. I was doubting myself and wondering if I am making things confrontational. I can see I need someone who is on my side.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 08/03/2018 10:15

Pedantic of me, but when you tell your husband you have engaged a solicitor, tell him you want someone with your best interests at heart rather than be 'on [your] side'.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/03/2018 10:20

Op

You should gather as much info as possible.

Does he have shares, investments and savings? You need to start snooping

No 50% of the house is not fair on you and how on earth can he buy you out as half of that money is also yours?!

See a solicitor but get all evidence of savings etc

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/03/2018 10:56

The idea of him buying you out of the house massively concerns me. As has been said, the money he would be using is family money, which is half yours.
Where are you supposed to live - you have 4 dc to house. If you habe a low mortgage on your current home you don't want to lose out by moving and having to pay a higher mortgage elsewhere.

I also don't see how the 'equal parenting' will work if you have a child with additional needs that has necessitated you working pt in order to manage care needs.

Your h has benefitted career wise from you taking on that responsibility. You shouldn't be left financially disadvantaged by that.

It is entirely possible that a court could award you the house or at least the right to remain there until your youngest is 18, thus reducing your need to buy a big (expensive) new house.

You have to constantly keep in mind that your h is not your friend, he has nothing to gain by protecting you financially and a lot to lose. You need advice from someone whose job it is to protect your interests. Do it for your kids.
You need something legally binding that forces your h to declare all his assets and ensures your contribution is recognised and protected.

Original poster
AForest · 08/03/2018 16:43

I hadn't even thought that half the money he would use is mine. He doesn't have investments as far as I know, we do have some savings. I have asked him for his pension details but he hasn't shown me yet.

I do feel uncomfortable about him keeping the house, particularly as he will no doubt spend quite a lot of time alone in it while I will be trying to squeeze everyone into a shared equity property as that is all I can imagine I will be able to afford. When I look at all this written down it feels very strange. With his attitude so far I think being amicable may be harder than I thought. I will find a solicitor.

We have about £125000 equity in the property, and H brings home just under £4k per month and gets a bonus. He spends a lot of it though! I would need a 4 bed or 3 bed house with a second reception (for me) as the children won't be able to share. I don't mind this as I do feel guilty for wanting to leave. I just want to be secure with a roof over my head and the the children not to be disadvantaged too much.

Thank you for the advice, you've made me consider things I hadn't before.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 08/03/2018 16:53

You also say "I have no doubt he will look after the children well financially but I am not so sure about me".
However what if he meets someone new? Or even has a new family? A lot of men in these circumstances start to see their first wife as "grasping" and also want to see a lot less of their children. There are cases where the first family have been disinherited.
You need to get a fair settlement to secure your children's future.

Are you in Scotland? Because in England 60% seems low, especially with a child with SN and if he cannot commit to 50-50 care (that includes organizing and paying for childcare if he cannot be there on his days).

RandomMess · 08/03/2018 16:58

I really think you would be awarded far more than 60% if equity plus pension on what you have said about your circumstances!!!

Underthefur · 08/03/2018 16:59

Just to put forward a different perspective - I was in court yesterday for my Financial Dispute Resolution appointment. I'm looking for a clean break agreement.

My STBXH wants his half of the equity from our FMH. I was basically told I have to give it to him and if I can't (by raising additional funds via mortgage) then I'll have to sell the house and split the proceeds.

This is despite me being the resident parent and main caregiver and this being the only home our DC have ever had. I also work full time and am a higher earner than him.

Apparently his housing needs are considered equal to mine so that's what must be done.

You definitely need legal advice.

Good luck

StormTreader · 08/03/2018 17:04

I've seen so many stories like this on here.

The woman asks for less than she should because she wants to keep the peace and the man "has promised she and the kids will be looked after".
She asks for half of what she should get, and he quickly starts giving less and less of that until shes scraping by on benefits and crumbs while hes living the life of riley on the salary he could only get because SHE gave up her career to allow his to progress. When she asks for what he promised, he gets angry and controlling and judgemental - all that "keeping things amicable" NEVER seems to last past 6 months anyway, so you may as well start off with accepting that sometimes he wont be happy and go down the solicitor route right from the start.

I will say though that "buying you out of the house and we'll share parenting 50/50" is NOWHERE near what you should get if you gave up a substantial part of your career to support him. You'll probably get more like 60/40 and quite possibly a share of his pension (that he doesnt want to show you) and maybe even some spousal maintenance payments as well, depending on your circumstances. I'm pretty sure a decent solicitor would laugh in his face if he turned up at their office with that offer and said "I assume this is plenty".

RandomMess · 08/03/2018 17:07

@Underthefur presumably that is due to your earning potential being higher than his?