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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

H wants to proceed without solicitors. Is that even possible?

56 replies

AForest · 07/03/2018 18:46

H and I agreed to separate back in December, but kept things together over Christmas etc, and I suppose there never is a good to time to move things along. I am pushing for divorce however I am a stay at home mum, although I have started my own small business which will be a slow burner I think. My H is dragging his feet as he is happy with our marriage, and doesn't want to sell the house etc. He seems happy with no intimacy, no physical relationship for years, hardly speaking etc.. He has promised to see me right financially and doesn't want to use solicitors. However I feel very unsafe doing this. He has a big wage, has control over the finances, has a good pension, wants to buy me out of the house. We have 3 DC 13, 11 and 7 and two dogs. We have agreed to parent equally as far as possible and his working hours allow. I have no doubt he will look after the children well financially but I am not so sure about me. I have given up my career to be at home with the children while his career has blossomed. Our eldest has complex needs and is part time at school so it has been hard for me to resume work full-time. I am currently getting a financial settlement consultation through Wikivorce. I don't want to take him to the cleaners, but don't feel I have enough knowledge to get a fair settlement.

Has anyone divorced without solicitors? Does it work? If I use Wikivorce would he need his own legal representation. We are trying to remain amicable but he wants 50/50 and I've been told I can go for 60/40 on the house which he objected to. I think I might just have answered my own question!

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 08/03/2018 17:21

You can gather a lot of information yourself. And arrange quite a bit of it, before you even get to the solicitor bit. That at least cuts down on the solicitors fees.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/03/2018 17:39

I suspect he has seen a solicitor on the quiet already. It's what I would have done. I think you can be pretty certain that whatever he is offering you, he knows that it is less than you are entitled to!

Bouledeneige · 08/03/2018 17:57

I don't get why you'd be entitled to 60/40. How is that fair?

Assets including pensions, debts etc should be split 50/50. Separately you need then to arrange how they split their time between the two of you and whether any spousal or maintenance for children is due. You will be expected to make reasonable efforts to support yourself so if you income is similar you would not expect any spousal support. If you earn more than him he may be entitled to it. Support for children is calculated on the basis of how many nights they sleep at each house.

I think it is possible without lawyers but it would be advisable to get some legal advice at key stages. Make sure it's good advice though. If you expect to get more than 50 percent of the house expect it to be difficult - you ex would have reason to think it was unfair.

blueshoes · 08/03/2018 17:57

"Oblomov: You can gather a lot of information yourself. And arrange quite a bit of it, before you even get to the solicitor bit. That at least cuts down on the solicitors fees."

That is correct. I am a solicitor (not family) and that is exactly what I would do to minimise solicitors' fees and is the best use of their time, which frankly they don't want to waste either and charge you for it.

I would suggest doing the free 1 hour consultation with the solicitor first, so you have a good idea of what documents and info you need to get, then go about quietly getting your ducks in a row, documenting, indexing and organising the info into folders for the lawyer.

Do not breathe a word of it to your dh as you are doing it, pretending you are both still going down the 'amicable' route, but stall as much as you can until you have got your act together and gone through a detailed second consultation with the solicitor having reviewed your file and documents.

Once you know your bargaining position, you can start to test the waters more with your dh as to his offer both in absolute terms and monetarily.

Is your dh an employee, rather than a self-employed businessman. It is much harder for an employee to hide their salary, pension and assets.

crimsonlake · 08/03/2018 18:00

I am sure he does and telling you it will save costs. Unless your split is very civilised seek solicitors advice.

blueshoes · 08/03/2018 18:00

Boule: I don't get why you'd be entitled to 60/40. How is that fair?

What are you basing this statement on. Your gut? As opposed to UK family law?

ivykaty44 · 08/03/2018 18:03

I fail to see why if your estranged spouse doesn’t want to use solicitor how that effects you?

You make your own decisions so whether or not he uses a solicitor is his choice

He certainly doesn’t tell you how to run your life - you’re divorcing

Original poster

AForest · 08/03/2018 18:28

That is true IvyKaty however he will be paying for them as my earnings are tiny from a newly started business. I do have access to the joint account, however as I was trying to remain amicable and non confrontational I didn't want to plough on and spend a lot without his consent.

Bouledeneige, I too thought 50/50 was fair, but now I see it isn't when you consider what I have given up. I have to tried to get part time evening work in the past but H would not commit to being around for the children so I couldn't. Now he can't do enough for them.

Thanks again everyone, I am trying to plough through the finances. I am in England and H is employed Blueshoes.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 08/03/2018 18:45

OP: I have to tried to get part time evening work in the past but H would not commit to being around for the children so I couldn't. Now he can't do enough for them.

Are you saying he is suddenly getting involved in childcare when he previously stayed out of it? The cynical part of me says is he is bolstering his case if you do end up in the divorce courts. The more childcare he does, the better he comes out in terms of division of assets and residential split.

He HAS seen a solicitor. Protect yourself.

blueshoes · 08/03/2018 18:47

OP, if you wanted to play the game, I would be more relaxed on setting up your business. No rush. The more financially independent you are, the less you get awarded. But do seek legal advice - sorry I am now repeating myself.

Original poster

AForest · 08/03/2018 19:15

Yes Blueshoes he was not hands on at all when the dc were younger. It's only recently he has started to be more involved to the extent I feel pushed out and uncomfortable in my own home which is why I really want to push this now.

The business is a very slow burner at the moment but I do have hopes of a reasonable income if I can build a good reputation.

OP posts:

Original poster

AForest · 08/03/2018 19:17

I have the same cynical thoughts about his sudden change of attitude.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 08/03/2018 19:19

Hmm, did his attitude change after you told him you wanted a divorce?

MeganBacon · 08/03/2018 19:24

My colleague recently divorced, he is a big earner, ex wife SAHM, one child with special needs. She got 70% but after they both depleted their net worth hugely with lawyers. So there is value in agreeing amicably but I do think you would sell yourself very short to agree to 50%.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/03/2018 20:06

OP, having been through an utterly rotten divorce, and having to conduct my own divorce, and indeed self rep through financial proceedings, I advise you to see a solicitor. 50/50 is the starting point. You will undoubtedly be entitled to rather more. You can do a lot of things yourself to save money, certainly, the actual divorce is very simple to do but in terms of finances given your position, you really must seek legal advice. There is a very good reason your DH doesn't want you to do this and that's because he's already sought it, without a doubt! Good luck

Underthefur · 08/03/2018 20:36

RandomMess it is, even though only been the case for the last five years of a 25 year relationship and my career is rather precarious as opposed to his public sector rock solid one. Anyway, don't wish to derail OP's thread.

I would add that despite mounting legal bills I am so glad I got proper legal advice. My barrister yesterday was bloody brilliant.

RandomMess · 08/03/2018 20:42

Underthefur, sometimes it doesn't seem fair does it!

Original poster

AForest · 08/03/2018 20:45

Blueshoes, his attitude has changed since I told him I wasn't happy and things had to improve, which has been about a year. Then we had a particularly difficult time with our DD so our problems took a back seat. Now she is much improved I am trying to focus on me a bit more. I have been very depressed and sought counselling. He knows this and never asked how it was going. Then I had a mini breakdown and left for a couple of days. When I came back he didn't ask why I went or where but I did get him to agree to Relate. Now I am worried he will hold the fact I walked out against me, along with me losing my grip on the house stuff. I struggled with keeping on top of laundry, food shopping, cleaning etc. He does his bit helping with the house but in a way that makes me feel inadequate. Can he use this against me? I have tried to get help with my depression but had to wait a year for counselling which wasn't ideal. Could he go for custody? Maybe that is why he wants to buy me out. I am panicking now the more I think about it. I had a conversation with his mum (who I don't get on with) a few months back and she wanted DD1 to go and live with her. She said some horrible things about me and H didn't back me up when I told him. When DD1 was first struggling it was me who sorted all the medical appointments, and I took her even though at times she was totally uncooperative. We were offered family therapy back then and I went on my own to one session and he refused the rest so we didn't do any more. I feel out of my depth the more I think about it.

Can anyone recommend a good solicitor in Worcestershire/Gloucestershire?

OP posts:

Original poster

AForest · 08/03/2018 20:48

Don't worry Underthefur it sounds like you are making good progress which is more positive.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/03/2018 20:50

Hmmm I'd tell him to start paying for a cleaner so you can spend the time you need on you! You sound vulnerable at the moment

MyBoysAndI · 08/03/2018 20:51

Just coming to end of my divorce. STBXH also didn't want solicitors and presented me with a seperation agreement that left me with nothing.

I sort legal advice and now have the house in my name only and some of his pension.

No spousal maintenance as l do have my own income but most importantly l have a court order going through that has undertakings in it that he will pay maintanance for ds1 who has additional needs until Ds1 is financially independent

Original poster

AForest · 08/03/2018 21:06

That is interesting thank you for sharing MyBoysAndI. Do you mind me asking how long it took to resolve? I know every case is different but a rough idea will be helpful.

Thank you RandomMess, I feel stronger than I did, but still have down days.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 08/03/2018 22:16

Oh so you dont have your own money, your exh pays for everything

When you divorce then he’ll get 100% will he?

It’s your mind set that seems screwed- it’s not your ex that will be paying.... its your money that he was able to earn as you didn’t bill him for childcare

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/03/2018 23:25

Mine too a couple of years OP. I just want to touch on your worries with regards to the children. I am nearly finished with family court regarding our DS. My ex-H tried to use my breakdown and depressive illness against me during these proceedings. He failed. You sought help, that i the main thing, you did what it took to help you function and recover. You are the primary carer. People can say what they like, please don't let it intimidate you. In terms of recommendations, check out the Resolution website who will have a list of solicitors in your area and there is a lot of info on there too!

MyBoysAndI · 09/03/2018 07:17

He left mid June and the Court Order has just been sent off.

The biggest delays were getting the CETV as it took 4 months for mine to arrive (NHS) and the fact that his solicitor would take over 2 weeks to respond to emails from mine

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