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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce advice - co-parenting

17 replies

Gherkinsmummy · 12/02/2018 18:18

In the early days of divorcing, we are currently still living in the same house but officially separately.

I would like to keep this house in trust for our DS, who is 7, and autistic. I'd like him to live here, and us rent a flat nearby, and take turns to sleep there, so we fully co-parent.

My solicitor has some doubts about this. Has anyone tried, and how did it work? What happens if/when you meet someone new?

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
PhilODox · 12/02/2018 18:32

May I ask what has led to your divorce? It's just that if there's been a lack of support and respect, then you're just going to end up with two places to clean and shop for...

rwalker · 12/02/2018 18:37

sounds perfect for your son same stable surroundings and supported by you and husband hope you can find a way of doing it .

waterSpider · 12/02/2018 18:45

It's called "nesting", I believe, as a childcare arrangement.
See www.custodyzen.com/divorce-terms/birds-nest-custody.html
Not heard of others lasting longer term - might work if there were 3 homes (!) - mum, dad, the-nest.

Original poster
Gherkinsmummy · 12/02/2018 19:08

Thank you! That's exactly the info I needed WaterSpider.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 12/02/2018 19:25

I can't see it working as soon as one of you meets someone new, tbh.

GreenTulips · 12/02/2018 19:29

Interesting idea!

Not sure how it would work on a day to day basis - but good luck

Original poster
Gherkinsmummy · 12/02/2018 20:09

Right now, I'm not interested in meeting anyone new! I just want to get through the next few months.

A good friend is going through a long and acrimonious divorce - she met someone who has become her lover but she isn't even slightly interested in them becoming more. I quite like that idea :D

OP posts:
Ilovecrumpets · 13/02/2018 06:52

Hi OP

I’m doing this at the moment but on a temporary basis - so probably only for a year whilst we get to the point of selling the house.

When I first started I thought I’d be happy to do it forever but now I don’t think I would unless you could afford three places - main home and a flat for each parent. I know you aren’t interested in meeting someone but your ex might be ( although I guess you could then look to sell if it didn’t work).

I think it is hard in that it keeps you very tied to your ex - even more than you would be as a co parent. Plus it does get hard not having anywhere that is your own space. It is also more difficult to accept/puts off accepting you really have separated and create an new life. Whilst these don’t matter at the beginning of a separation I think they might as time goes on. I’m also starting to realise that you need to be happy yourself for your kids and so working out the separation arrangements purely for the child mightn’t be the best long term? Although obviously the D.C. should be centre and feature in any decisions. That’s just my experience though!

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

Original poster
Gherkinsmummy · 13/02/2018 08:20

Because of DS's autism I'd like to keep the house in trust for him. He struggles with change and so keeping things in balance for him is my priority atm.

It may be that we try for a year/five years and see how it works. I sort of feel that I will always be tied to my stbx as we have a child together. Sad

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 13/02/2018 08:29

It's interesting that you find it difficult, I'm not surprised! We all like somewhere to call home and have our things. It I aupppse this is where the kids have issues in two separate homes.

You've turned the idea on its head!

Can you not build a granny flat at your home? Might be a workable solution

Ilovecrumpets · 13/02/2018 10:51

Gherkin I think that is the key - just do what works for now and be prepared to revisit it if needed. Tricky thing is doing that whilst managing finances to give future options iyswim.

As I say it definitely works for me atm (me and ex moving in and out of the family home), and I think it has made the change easier for the kids as they aren’t moving about.

The thing I’ve really realised is there are no rules and you can only do what works for you and your family and do your best.

Original poster
Gherkinsmummy · 13/02/2018 13:52

GreenTulips I wish we could. We have a loft room but its not big enough to be a proper studio. We can only try, if its really impossible we will have to think again.

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
MyBoysAndI · 13/02/2018 14:01

Personally wouldn't work for us.

All the trappings of marriage still i.e still have joint bills for the house, arguements over who will clean and when etc.

Ds1 is also ASD and he'd find this more unsettling then going to his Dads alternate weekend's

Original poster
Gherkinsmummy · 13/02/2018 18:12

We don't have joint bills. I pay some, he pays others. We've never blended our finances, and we have no mortgage.

I think if we go into this with a positive mindset things like who cleans shouldn't be an issue. worst case, we pay for a cleaner.

I want 50/50 parenting, not 60/40 or 70/30. DS is very attached to his father. This way it feels like when one or other of us is away for work to him, and is going to be a smoother transition. I hope.

OP posts:
Familylawsolicitor · 14/02/2018 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cod · 14/02/2018 15:40

This will never work. Sell the house.

Hithere1981 · 18/02/2018 17:26

Sounds utterly awful.

Awful awful awful

Don’t do it

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