How can I move things along?

[PerfectlyDone]

Long story, short: 20 years married, 4 DCs, STBXH left 4 months ago to pursue relationship with OW. It's not the first time he's cheated and I Am Done (not that he is showing any signs of regretting his actions).

Anyhoo, I really want to separate our finances asap, I want to look in to whether I can afford to keep the house, I need to know what kind of maintenance I might be able to get for the boys.
I cannot make any calculations because he is not disclosing things like his pension etc. He seems to think that I will needs to buy him out (and maybe I do?) and that whatever lump sum I owe him will allow him to go for a new mortgage etc etc.

My priority is totally my boys, I don't want their lives more disrupted than necessary.
How can I get him to disclose stuff and reach an agreement?

It's time for a lawyer, isn't it? Can lawyer chase these kind of things up? Make him engage in negotiations??
Gah. Prick.

Yes you need a solicitor. They will assist you in getting the full disclosure that you need.

I know it’s good to know how yoj stand but as long as you have enough to live on (do you?) good for you to stay in the home and let him push the divorce along

A good solicitor who will check forensically all his accounts etc - they will find EVERYTHING even if he tries to hide it
If he's been splashing g the cash on her, don't worry about what he may have spent since he left too as it will be deducted from his share - dating from when he left.
Ask around for recommendations as not all solicitors are the same, a good one will be well worth the investment
Hope this all gets sorted for you soon

Ps if he is obstructive, a court will view that negatively, he can't obstruct the process forever

Thank you, both.

I am waiting for a lawyer recommendation from a friend who is a lawyer herself, but does not practice family law, so hopefully I'll have somebody on my side soon.

I did not know about forensic accounting being done in divorce cases . So sad that it has come to this.

When my parents split my mum went to multiple banks to see who would/could offer a remortgage for her income. Go to the bank, disclose your financial position to see if you can remortgage, (most banks require 3 months of statements for the real deal but will do a rough calculation too) and for what amount. Most banks also now accept CSA money as ‘income’ but do remember this is only until 18 so it may be worth seeing what you can get without him. It’s also dependent on the amount left you owe/credit scores etc. Then offer this as a buy out so your name is solely on the house. Even if it’s only enough for a deposit.. ie remortgage for additional 30K, he signs house to you, in return he keeps his pension. Then get a clean break order - severe all financial ties between you. Depends how amicable you want to be I guess. My mum just wanted a quick end, to retain her dignity and give my father enough to move on while protecting herself. Good luck but I would go to the bank and question, if anything so you have a rough idea if it’s even plausible.

House outcomes are usually 1 of 3, one person remortgaged and buys the other out, the house is sold and divided or the house sells when youngest turns 18

Thank you, lozza, that's really helpful.

I have an appointment with our current mortgage provider and an independent financial advisor lined up.

H has just told me he wants to buy the flat he is currently renting, so will need a deposit - suddenly this has become urgent.
I too simply want to provide a roof over the kids' heads (ideally the roof that they have known all their lives) and sever all financial ties. Moving on is the name of the game.

Sounds like you are being very dignified with your situation, good for you and what a wonderful example to your children. The bank will definitely be able to advise. As horrible as splits are, it’s the children who suffer the most and the least disruption is most definitely best.

It won’t be immediate.. from what I recall, the bank sends off the info and then it goes higher up before it’s approved. Then the letters are sent out and signed/exchanged. A solicitor isn’t neccessary for the person signing over their equity share.. BUT they do need to get their I.D verified by a solicitor which takes all of 5 mins and costs £5-£40 depending on location.

Wishing you and your family well.

Forgot to add..

The original mortgage lender wouldn’t approve the remortgage, said it was unaffordable.. after countless different bank meetings with proof of income, a different bank (Barclays was by far the best) said income was affordable and all went through.
House signed over for 30K, pension left alone. All over financial ties severed and both moved on.