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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Meeting the OW

54 replies

MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 07:06

STBX left 7 months ago for OW. Of course they were "just friends" and got together after we seperated.....

The children met her after 4 weeks - l had no say in this. STBX and OW are moving in together in June but basically live together now so the children have a lot of contact with her. Stbx also leaves them with her when he goes out. They are all going on holiday abroad in May.

But l haven't met her.... well not since all the above happened.

I met her when they were "just friends" as they were running/cycling partners.... but not since.

I have asked to meet her. Nothing intense - just a hello when stbx is dropping the children off after his contact weekend. But she either doesnt come or they park down the road so l don't see her.

I just think that we need to meet to get that first awkward meeting out the way because we will at some see each other.

AIBU to want to meet her. STBX thinks l am as it's "too soon"

OP posts:
JediStoleMyBike · 25/01/2018 07:09

Not too soon to meet your kids but too soon to meet you?! Right.
I think it's very much appropriate for you to meet her if she's having that much of a presence in your children's lives.

JediStoleMyBike · 25/01/2018 07:09

Not too soon to meet your kids but too soon to meet you?! Right.
I think it's very much appropriate for you to meet her if she's having that much of a presence in your children's lives.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 07:15

I know. I have told XH that I'm perfectly house trained so she won't be in danger Hmm

OP posts:
InfiniteSheldon · 25/01/2018 07:21

Unfortunately it's not up to you. You've asked you've said why but either he doesn't believe your reasons or he doesn't care or more likely she is too embarrassed. Time will take care if this so just let it go

octonaught · 25/01/2018 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 07:26

@octonaught - wrong thread Smile

OP posts:
Battleax · 25/01/2018 07:28

Yes, tempt her in with canapés and an ice cream van Envy

Battleax · 25/01/2018 07:29

Wink NOT (envy) !

JediStoleMyBike · 25/01/2018 07:30
Grin
octonaught · 25/01/2018 07:30

Sorry I know. Blush

However I did want to say my ex is with the other woman. I just avoid her although she insists on coming to school events.
I know her & there is a huge backstory.

As you have technically met her, if you (understandably) want to communicate about the dc's I would start with email. That way you cannot be accused of being confrontational

sothisisnew · 25/01/2018 08:01

If you have actually met her before, what is it you'd like to get out of meeting her again in her new capacity? Are you sure it's not to make her feel uncomfortable?..

I'm speaking as a DP of someone else's STBXH and I can safely say that when she asked to meet me it was certainly not to check I wasn't a danger to the children as she said. I was terrified of meeting her, and it turns out I was right to be! It still sends a chill down my spine, she was so horrible to me....shudders

Not saying this is your masterplan, but I can see why she might be reluctant.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 08:36

Do you know what.... l don't actually know why l want to meet her. Is it to make her squirm?... maybe a bit. I certainly won't be horrible as that's not necessary. I do want to have a good relationship with her as that will be better for the boys.

I know l don't want to suddenly meet her unprepared if we bump into one another - especially as she has taken over XH taxi duties for school runs Hmm .

I met her once when they came in for a cup of tea and bacon roll after a 4 hour cycle ride.

She has been here since then but l was away for the weekend and he invited her round. Boys were in their rooms.

I suppose l also want to "remind" her (not actually verbalising it though) ... that l do exist and the boy's do have a mother. And no matter how much stbxh wants to replace me with her.... that I'm still here

OP posts:
diddlemethis · 25/01/2018 08:42

Sothisisnew, exactly what reaction from his (ex)wife were you expecting? A medal for being there? A warm welcome for contributing your involvement in her children's life, at her expense? A hug and kiss?

Wowsers, it never fails to surprise me that folk think they are immune to cause and effect.

LizzieSiddal · 25/01/2018 08:48

He left you 7 months ago and she’s already doing the school run and looking after the dc while their father goes out?

I don’t have any experience of this but isn’t this very soon? The dc are trying to adapt to their father leaving and their father isn’t even doing the things he should.

How old are the dc?

Mupflup · 25/01/2018 08:51

Tbh OP I wouldn't want to meet you in her shoes either, not in a pre-arranged way anyway. I met DH several months after he and ex-W split up but because they had a child she seemed to think that gave her a 'right' to meet me. In the end I gave in because she was making DHs life difficult over it. It was excruciatingly awkward, she quizzed me about my salary, my job security, the layout of my home, my 'experience' with children, all sorts of weird shit, all the while looking at my jewellery, my handbag etc. I think she just wanted to see me for no real reason other than to satisfy herself. I wouldn't put myself through that again in a hurry, especially if I was an OW as even more reason for you to be difficult with her. You say you don't want to be horrible to her but you want to make her squirm..I totally get it from your POV but from hers why would she put herself through that when she doesn't need to?

You say you don't want to bump into her unprepared, but perhaps that's what she would prefer. I know I would have.

sothisisnew · 25/01/2018 09:04

diddlemethis assuming much?...

I wasn't the OW, I met him 6 months after they split.
And if you'd read my post, you'd see I was nervous about it as I was expecting the worst- and that's exactly what I got.

OP that is completely understandable, and it does sound like something you should get out of the way if that's the way you're feeling. If it helps, she has no chance of forgetting that you exist- you will always be the woman she can never live up to as far as the children are concerned. And please don't think of her as any kind of replacement, I'm confident that will never cross your children's minds! She'll just be another (hopefully!) responsible adult in their lives.

I also probably shouldn't give this away as according to Mumsnet I'm in the 'stepmum' tribe, but the best thing to do to make her squirm is be completely lovely to her. It will make her question why you ever split up. Don't tell anyone I told you that... Wink

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 09:20

@LizzieSiddal - far too soon. He just wants his new life without me there complicating matters. It doesn't help that he told me that she wants to be like a mother to them and how she already act's like a Mum etc Angry Didn't go down well with me

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 09:21

Boys are now 14 and 10yrs

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 25/01/2018 09:25

This woman is looking after your kids, picking them up and attending their school and you’ve never met her? You wouldn’t let someone you’d never met do that in any other circumstances so of course you want to meet.

Arrange a quiet meal in a public place at a mutually convienient time. I would insist on it. Christ you wouldn’t hire a nanny, au pair, baby sitter etc to look after your kids without meeting them would you.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 09:26

@sothisisnew - l wouldn't be horrible to her - although l certainly have cause to be! Afterall she knew he was married with two children - one who is disabled. I just wouldn't have let myself get in that position.

I'm actually hoping that long term we will have a good relationship especially if she is going to be in their lives longterm. I'm hoping she will be the voice of reason as STBX can be "shouty" with the boys... although apparently when she appears he starts talking nicer to them Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 09:28

@Karigan1 - l have technically met her as she came in my home after they'd been our exercising. Made her a cuppa and bacon roll.

I haven't seen her since though

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 25/01/2018 09:29

Before someone mentions it I wouldn’t class one brief meeting after a cycle ride as actually getting to know someone. Everyone wants to know their kids are safe.

Karigan1 · 25/01/2018 09:29

Lol as above.

InfiniteSheldon · 25/01/2018 09:57

If you'd like to see her squirm I think she has probably worked that out in your last meeting and quite reasonably doesn't want another one

sothisisnew · 25/01/2018 10:02

OP that's great that you'd like to have a good relationship with her, but in light of what you've said about her I would say don't underestimate how difficult it might be seeing her for the first time in her new capacity 'with' your ex. Even if you go in with (mostly) good intentions, it may be hard/impossible to keep smiling and be nice, so there is a real risk that you'll get upset or blurt out something mean!

I would advise that you take a moment to think about how it will go, and how you might feel, and decide if now is really a good time for this to happen. You might not want to sabotage a possible relationship in the future, or, from another angle, to ruin your opportunity for an ice cool first meeting. Just a thought.