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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Meeting the OW

54 replies

MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 07:06

STBX left 7 months ago for OW. Of course they were "just friends" and got together after we seperated.....

The children met her after 4 weeks - l had no say in this. STBX and OW are moving in together in June but basically live together now so the children have a lot of contact with her. Stbx also leaves them with her when he goes out. They are all going on holiday abroad in May.

But l haven't met her.... well not since all the above happened.

I met her when they were "just friends" as they were running/cycling partners.... but not since.

I have asked to meet her. Nothing intense - just a hello when stbx is dropping the children off after his contact weekend. But she either doesnt come or they park down the road so l don't see her.

I just think that we need to meet to get that first awkward meeting out the way because we will at some see each other.

AIBU to want to meet her. STBX thinks l am as it's "too soon"

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 25/01/2018 10:05

If you hadn’t met her already in the past I’d agree you should meet the person who is spending so much time with your children but as you have I’m not sure it’s necessary and in a kind way you admit that it’s more about you than your children.
The fact that she’s purposefully avoiding seeing you shows that she does feel awkward about the whole thing and all the things you want her to feel by seeing her she is probably already feeling.
I’m not sure how you’d accidentally meet her on school runs tho cos surely if she’s doing it then you wouldn’t be?
Also if she thinks she can be like a Mum to them then she has a shock coming and if you meet someone new make sure you use the same words to your ex about the new man acting like a dad so he can see how that feels.
I do think at some stage you’re going to have to be on a saying hello basis though as otherwise it’ll be awkward for the children.

DotCottonDotCom · 25/01/2018 10:07

7 months ago - i imagine this might still be a little raw? If you are truly okay now, she'll probably still be quite nervous.

BadTasteFlump · 25/01/2018 10:13

Wow OP. I've not had experience of this but I just wanted to say you sound incredibly level headed and much more accommodating than I think I would be under the circumstances. Your boys clearly have a lovely mum and nobody could ever replace you Flowers

greendale17 · 25/01/2018 10:20

This woman is looking after your kids, picking them up and attending their school and you’ve never met her? You wouldn’t let someone you’d never met do that in any other circumstances so of course you want to meet.

^Completeley agree

Marvellousmarge · 25/01/2018 10:44

My DP ex wife was shudderingly hideously vile to me and he had been divorced for years.

She's still a nasty piece of work but there you go.

My Ex DH's girlfriend is lovely, we hug and kiss and I love her as she makes my family happy.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 11:22

@InfiniteSheldon - she had no reason to squirm in our last meeting as l didn't know that she had eye's for my husband at that point. As far as l was concerned she was just his training partner...

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Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 11:23

@sothisisnew - good advise. Thankyou

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Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 11:26

@user1493413286 - l don't want it to be awkward for the boys if we meet, which is why l thought we should get this meet up over with.

Ds2 is struggling with the divorce, her role in it and feeling guilty about enjoying time with her so l thought it would show him that it is all ok and we can all get along. He might relax then too

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Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 11:29

@BadTasteFlump - thankyou. A lot of people including my inlaws, have said the same. I just want it to be pleasant for the boys.

I actually think she is probably a nice person and she is making a real effort to get along with them. I'd rather that then the opposite

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Pidlan · 25/01/2018 11:29

I'd send her a letter or an email, just saying it would be really nice if she came in for a coffee because you know the situation is ideal but that she does a lot for your sons and you want to have a positive and relaxed relationship with her.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 11:31

@Marvellousmarge - l probably won't go as far as hugging Grin but who knows what the future holds. Currently she is helping out by collecting them from school and taking them to sporting activities. I just hope stbx doesn't take advantage of her Hmm

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Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 11:35

@Pidlan - l did reach out right at the beginning with a message saying l hope we get along and she did reply nicely.

I did spoil it though at a later date reminding her that l am their Mum and even though she wants to be like a mum to them, I'll always be the ONLY Mum Blush

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Gemlou1989 · 25/01/2018 11:35

When my Ex started seeing another woman I asked to meet her if she was going to be a part of my DD life but she refused. She wasn't really a nice person and had a lot of jealously towards my DD, his mum would always let me know what she was like (we always arranged contact through her). Long story short, they had a kid, their relationship went to shit and he met someone else who he's now married. She asked to meet the new woman and apparently she refused...pissed on her bonfire! Grin The new wife is actually really nice and is really good to the girls. Karma Wink

Viviennemary · 25/01/2018 11:39

It's a very personal thing. I would certainly want nothing to do with such a woman. And would refuse to communicate with her in any way. Witch!!

purplelass · 25/01/2018 11:39

It took ages before I met the OW - ExDH was worried that I'd kill her as I'd discovered their affair and was out for blood back then, and OW was embarrassed and ashamed about her part of breaking up our family.

However, as DD was staying with them (they moved in together as soon as I kicked him out) I wanted to meet her! Eventually we met and now (2 1/2 years later) I get on better with her than I do with him Smile

The way I see it, she's done me a favour, I'm so much happier than I'd been with him for years... I actually pity her now, he's a nightmare to live with! Grin

sothisisnew · 25/01/2018 11:56

You're welcome Smile

I'd also add that your goal of making it not awkward for your DC is such a good one, so please try to hold onto it! I try to stay away/stay in the car on pick-ups/drop-offs/any other encounter (2 years on) as I don't want it to be stressful for my DP's DC, but they do ask why I'm doing it. At one point his DS asked me 'does my mummy like you?' (he was 4), and I felt so sad for him!

If there is anything you can do to make it stress-free for them, please try your best. It sounds like you'll do a great job.

LoverOfCake · 25/01/2018 12:27

Tbh after just seven months I would be inclined to leave it, because the reality is that there are no guarantees. No guarantees that the relationship will last, and no guarantees that she will stay as involved with your DC although that doesn’t mean that she isn’t all she is currently claiming to be iyswim.

I think that a lot of people want to meet the new partner with the addage that they want to see the person who will be spending time with their DC when actually a lot of it is less about the children and more about themselves. It’s perfectly understandable obviously but after seven months I’d imagine you may not get an accurate picture.

Remember they are currently in the honeymoon phase, and even more so given he left you for her. They need to be seen to be making it work. Obviously it’s possible that it might work out for them, but as with any relationship, there are no guarantees that it will after such a short period of time.

FWIW I met my ex’s partner after a similar period of time although she wasn’t an OW. At the time I liked her, had no qualms about my DC going on holiday with her, a holiday which ex had booked after just six weeks saying that it would be a lovely family holiday, Hmm and thought that she seemed like a decent person.

She was there for ex, went to some events with him, supported him through some difficult times etc etc. But oh how things changed. A year in she stopped being too involved with the DC, stopped coming round to his, they eventually got engaged and she fell pregnant almost straight away, tried to force him to move to be with her rather than the other way around, but as soon as they moved in together the mention of my name was banned in their house, several years on she has cut off all of his family, she never goes to any family events, is completely un-involved with the DC, in fact the DC now refuse to go there because of her.

So my meeting her actually achieved nothing other than to think at the time she seemed like a decent person iyswim.

Now DC is old enough to arrange his own contact with ex and I have no reason to be in touch with her even if DC did have a relationship with her.

Faking · 25/01/2018 15:21

also probably shouldn't give this away as according to Mumsnet I'm in the 'stepmum' tribe, but the best thing to do to make her squirm is be completely lovely to her. It will make her question why you ever split up. Don't tell anyone I told you that... Wink

Yep, 'kill' her with kindness! Grin

DarthNigel · 25/01/2018 15:56

My exh insisted on meeting my dp.not sure if it was one up manship of some sort give that he is now with my ex best friend, there was a year and a half a worth of overlap with us, and I can't be anywhere near her without becoming very distressed-which will probably be the case for a long time to come. (He clearly failed to see the large difference in those two sets of circumstances Hmm but I don't feel particularly as if I'm found wanting in not wanting to wish the heinous woman a cheery hello Smile)
Anyway he was very bullish about 'wanting to meet whoever was spending time with his kids and so the kids should know he was absolutely ok with it'. In the event he came to pick the girls up, DP was there (actually doing some DIY for me) clearly visible in the next room. Exh hovered about sheepishly for a bit but made no move to go and say hello, so eventually DP came out, shook him firmly by the hand, said hello and then went back to doing what he was doing.
It wasn't worth all the preamble and stress tbh-(though I did mildly enjoy seeing exh wrong footed for once)-so I would say if it's not really necessary don't bother-or just let it happen organically-and be cool as a cucumber as and when it does.

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 25/01/2018 17:11

Thanks everyone. I messaged her earlier and she agreed we need to get the first meet up out the way. I also told her l appreciated all she has done and thanked her for her help so far with the boys

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DotCottonDotCom · 25/01/2018 17:17

MyBoysAndI

I applaud you, you’re a better woman than me, it would have taken me a long to to get to that point. Glad it’s working out and a great message to send.

JediStoleMyBike · 25/01/2018 18:34

I second DotCotton's sentiment Flowers really glad it's going ok for you.

Handsoffmysweets · 25/01/2018 19:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

LizzieSiddal · 25/01/2018 20:54

You sound a lovely person and a lovely mum. Flowers

Original poster
MyBoysAndI · 26/01/2018 05:19

Thankyou every one.

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