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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Equal parents?

52 replies

sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:34

I know some people don't like it when general questions are asked in this forum, but I'm interested so I'll try my luck...

My DP is having some issues with his ex (they have 2 children that live with her, he has standard access of EOW and once a week), in that she rarely sends him updates on what the children are doing, photos, school info, etc even when he requests it, but as soon as they're with him she demands daily updates on what they're doing, addresses of where they go and who they're with, photos, etc etc etc and becomes really quite abusive when she doesn't get it.

My theory is that the reason she can ask for so much and give so little, is that she fundamentally doesn't see them as having equal roles in their children's lives. I get the impression that she believes that she is their primary caregiver and he is something less.

My question is- how do you view your ex when it comes to your children?

OP posts:
itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 11:40

I get the impression that she believes that she is their primary caregiver and he is something less

She is. He has them for visits and she does the bulk of the work of parenting. How can he be an equal parent when he doesn't do an equal share of the parenting?

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:43

Oh wow, ok.

Does that apply when the mum and dad are together, the dad works and the mum stays home with the children, then?

OP posts:
itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 11:45

Why wow? Isn't it self evident that when one parent does all the work of parenting and the other doesn't, they tend not to see the other parent as entirely equal?

If they are together it depends on whether they are happy with the distribution of effort. If one does fuck all and leaves it all to the other, yes it applies there too.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:46

I should say I don't have any children so I really don't know, I'm just interested. Thanks for your response.

OP posts:
Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:50

Ok, fair enough. That does assume that the contact each gets is 'fair' though, doesn't it?

In this case the dad earns a lot more than the mum (fairly typical), so when they were together and now they're apart it's not really realistic for him to go part time to get more time with them (though he's looking into it!)- and she would not want him to do that. Do you think that's relevant at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:51

Also it's not true that one does 'all the work' and the other does 'fuck all'. You've guessed that.

OP posts:
Rainybo · 03/08/2017 11:51

What efforts does he make to get involved with school/activities etc? Or is he fairweather?

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 11:51

I haven't guessed anything, I responded to your question. It had nothing to do with any people referred to earlier Hmm

Outlookmainlyfair · 03/08/2017 11:56

Just because parents have different roles it does not mean that they are not equally important in different ways. If she had routines and a good understanding of their needs her opinions will be key in issues that this will affect, but equally it would not be unreasonable for him to expect updates too.
I get the feeling that there I should much more to this than we can tell.

Mama234 · 03/08/2017 11:58

She sounds really interfering, Its not the norm no, Is this a fairly new relationship? Have they been split long?

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:58

I never said he did 'fuck all'.

Rainybo- He makes every effort (I guess I would say that but I believe it's true)- he's attended every school event he's been told about. There has been at least one other event that his mum and grandparents attended that he wasn't told about (his son mentioned it subsequently).
He takes them to the clubs he's asked to, buys them clothes and anything else they need while they're with him, the usual stuff.

Is the consensus then that he should earn his parental rights through stuff like this? What would be enough?

OP posts:
itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 12:01

You are confused. I answered your first question. Then you asked a second, hypothetical question about a different scenario, where the answer was IF the hypothetical person in a relationship did fuck all vs if they didn't.

I really shouldn;t have to explain your own thread to you, please keep up with your own questions.

You seem annoyed that a woman should consider herself the primary caregiver even though you state she actually is the primary caregiver (she has the children much more and therefore simply is so). What is your actual issue here?

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 12:04

They've been split 18 months.

He's given her no reason to worry about his parenting- when they were together he worked around her job for over a year, pick ups from nursery etc so I don't think there's a genuine concern there.

I definitely don't help things with my existence- she's made that very clear, but I don't know what I can do about that really. There was no overlap, I've been around for a year and we've done everything we can to make sure the children are fine with it.

OP posts:
Rainybo · 03/08/2017 12:05

Does the school have an online newsletter/email system/text system so that he doesn't have to wait to be told about events? That might help make things less fraught.

I wouldn't say it is earning his parental rights by doing stuff like this, it is just being a parent and like all other aspects of parenting, there isn't a measure of what will be enough.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 12:05

Ok itstoolateforthisbollox- please just leave the thread if you've got that much of a problem with me.

OP posts:
itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 12:06

That's not much of an apology.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 12:08

Thanks Rainnybo- he's written to the school to make sure he gets copies of all correspondence. It should work out easier for everyone, as I don't think it shouldn't be her responsibility to pass on everything she gets anyway.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 03/08/2017 12:09

I presume he has asked the school to be notified about events and receive parents evening/ school report info? It would be nice if his ex passed on the info but it is an extra task for her to do so I don't think she should have to.

Tbh she is doing the main share of the parenting if he only has them EOW. Presumably access arrangements were all sorted during the (fairly recent) divorce. If he wanted, and his work hours allowed, he could have pushed for more time with them during the divorce process. Why is he only trying to change his hours/ change the amount of time he has them for now, rather than sorting it at the outset.

VimFuego101 · 03/08/2017 12:09

Sorry - cross post re the school letters/ info.

mrsm43s · 03/08/2017 12:18

Does he cover half the school holidays? Arrange and host half the playdates? Arrange and take children to half of the dentist/medical appointments? Buy half their clothes and school uniforms (actually buy not just pay for)? Take them to half of the birthday parties they go to? Take them out to buy the presents for said parties, and wrap them? Be equally responsible to make sure they go on school trips - filling in and returning the forms? Is he equally making sure their homework is done? That their bags are packed for school trips? Is he equally responsible for laundering their school uniform? And many other things like this?

That is what would make him an equal parent.
If he has them to "visit" one evening a week and every other weekend, and his Ex wife deals with all the day to day stuff, then she is very much so the primary care giver.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 12:26

The divorce isn't final yet, they're still(!) going through finances and contact. He is pushing for more, it's just taking a while.

I'm going to leave this now as people seem quite cross!

Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
Mama234 · 03/08/2017 12:38

You will find lots of projection on any thread where you are a step mum or a man who isn't with his wife.

As far as what he does in the time with the children he doesn't have to tell her everywhere he's going and each address they are at, She sounds like she has control issues.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 12:42

(thank you!!)

OP posts:
SkyWalker95 · 03/08/2017 12:55

Well she is their primary caregiver, and the arrangement is fair and good for the children. If he's kicking up a fuss about it she's probably worried hes thinking about kidnapping them. If he went to her and said he respects the current agreement I'm sure she would become alot more comfortable with them being with him. As for the school stuff, just ask the school to notify him. It's really a non-issue.

rightsofwomen · 03/08/2017 13:12

I think each parent needs to let the other get on with their contact time w/o feeling a need to update the other parent.

I don't have to tell my ex what I'm doing with the kids and I don't expect him to tell me nb I am primary carer.

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