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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Equal parents?

52 replies

sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 11:34

I know some people don't like it when general questions are asked in this forum, but I'm interested so I'll try my luck...

My DP is having some issues with his ex (they have 2 children that live with her, he has standard access of EOW and once a week), in that she rarely sends him updates on what the children are doing, photos, school info, etc even when he requests it, but as soon as they're with him she demands daily updates on what they're doing, addresses of where they go and who they're with, photos, etc etc etc and becomes really quite abusive when she doesn't get it.

My theory is that the reason she can ask for so much and give so little, is that she fundamentally doesn't see them as having equal roles in their children's lives. I get the impression that she believes that she is their primary caregiver and he is something less.

My question is- how do you view your ex when it comes to your children?

OP posts:
rightsofwomen · 03/08/2017 13:15

..and yes, I DO do more of the actual parenting (dentist, school admin etc) which does make me feel resentful at times so I can see where your DP's ex is coming from.

How much other stuff does he do aside from financially providing for them and the contact he has?

Does he know when they are next due at the dentist? Does he buy their school shoes? Does he sew name labels in? Does he reply to party invitations?

user1493413286 · 03/08/2017 13:18

It's a similar situation with my stepchilds mum and it doesn't feel very fair as he'd love for her to live with us and be the primary care giver but we just go with it to be the bigger person and in the hope that if we show her the consideration of letting her know all these things that she will as well.

MirandaWest · 03/08/2017 13:23

She is the primary care giver, but that isn't anything to do with asking exactly what the children are doing when they're with your DP. And that would go the other way as well.

I do virtually all the admin type things for our DC - XH has time with them but I do the organising of their lives.

rightsofwomen · 03/08/2017 13:30

I don't ex any school info - he can find that out himself. Why should that be up to me?

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 13:32

rightsofwomen I appreciate what you're trying to say on the day to day side of parenting, and no he doesn't do as much as their mum, but really how could that work now they don't live together?

For me, there are structural issues here that means true joint parenting is difficult most of the time- not least because most households need joint incomes to survive. Put simply as I see it, if both parents could only work part time, both parents could parent equally. Unfortunately, at least one needs to earn the money- and a lot of the time is it accepted on both sides that that should be the dad.

user1493413286 exactly- he would love the children to live with him.

OP posts:
rightsofwomen · 03/08/2017 13:36

Well, I work full time, ex works part time. I am (and have always been) the main breadwinner. I care for our children both in person and all other welfare things way more than ex. He has a great time with them (yes, that is said with some bitterness...that I don't let on to the kids of course)

Is he going to go for 50:50 contact?

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 13:41

Ah I see- that sounds like quite a different situation, then. I don't blame you a bit of bitterness!

No not 50:50, it's just not practical at this point with his job. The children are quite small so he accepts that the children would be better with their mum than a nanny.

OP posts:
lucyloopy · 03/08/2017 13:47

I think the point you're missing is it's not practical with most people's jobs to go part time but women are more likely to sacrifice their careers and earning potential to be the main career. He could do it too but is probably reluctant to.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 13:48

I absolutely appreciate that, but if he took a hit on his salary it wouldn't be only him that would feel it- his maintenance capacity would inevitably plummet, which would affect her and the children as well.

OP posts:
Rainybo · 03/08/2017 13:51

Well I work full time and so does my ex.

Are my children not being parented?

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 13:58

I really didn't mean to imply that, I'm sorry.

I'm not talking about the situation where you both work or don't, the issue I'm talking about seems to arise where one of you works and one doesn't, or one works FT and the other PT- and how you decide who does what.

Can I ask, how does it work between the two of you if you do both work full time? Do you have joint residence? Was the decision easy to make?

OP posts:
rightsofwomen · 03/08/2017 14:01

No not 50:50, it's just not practical at this point with his job.

Well, it's not really practical with my job either.
My younger son has to go to after school clubs, or be minded by others when I am in conference calls or travelling for work.

lucyloopy · 03/08/2017 14:02

Of course they are Rain. That's my point really. Op is saying he can't do more of the practical parenting because it doesnt fit in with his job. It doesn't fit in with most people's jobs, including those of us that work full time but we still have to make it work.

To be an equal parent, you need to do your fair share of the huge amount of work that comes with DC's. Even within marriages this can be unequal. Some parents it bothers, some it doesn't. If it bothers ops partner he can change things to be more equal.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 14:11

Ok, I get your objection lucyloopy.

This will go down like a lead balloon, but I'm gonna ask it anyway takes a deep breath: how does earning money fit in with your viewpoint of being an equal parent?

I'm not saying that it's a replacement for doing the hands on stuff, absolutely not, I just mean doesn't it count for anything? Or do you think that he should go part time in his job and earn a lot less for all of them?

And I think it's a good point about it not working within marriages as well, it's very similar- it's just that within a marriage it's supposed to be a joint decision, whereas after marriage it can be decided by a court.

OP posts:
Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 14:12

Oh also I didn't say he couldn't do any more of the practical parenting- just that he couldn't have them stay over any more (he could have every weekend of course, but I get why that isn't an option).

OP posts:
heidiwine · 03/08/2017 14:16

I think that in situations where there is not 50:50 shared care the parent where the children are resident often sees themselves as the 'main' parent and, to be fair, they are often the parent that does most of the organisation (and probably took that role during the marriage too).
I don't think it is helpful that the resident parent assumes superiority -
it certainly is not in the best interests of the children (assuming the non-resident parent is a decent parent).
In all these situations the thing that's most important is what is best for the children. If your DPs ex wants pictures and updates of the children while they're with him send them to her (even if she doesn't do the same in return). Rise above it and give the children the security that they need: two parents that get on and work together in the interests of the children. Sure - that takes two parents and if one parent already considers themselves to be the superior parent (by virtue of the time they spend with the children) then you're in for a long slog but I think it pays off to be consistent and demonstrate to the children that you respect their mother and her decisions (in the hope that they remember that as they get older).

thethoughtfox · 03/08/2017 14:19

It is not mum's job to tell him about school events. It is up to him to be on school mailing lists and find out information himself.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 14:21

Thanks Heidiwine- that's exactly what I meant. It's the superiority angle. I think maybe I muddied the waters by talking about 'primary carers'- sorry all!

He does send pics and updates (I think the same as you, just rise above it), it's just difficult to think that this is fuelling her belief that she has more rights than he does Sad

Thank you.

OP posts:
heidiwine · 03/08/2017 14:24

To all those saying that he should be proactive with the school and get on the mailing lists etc.
I speak from experience... One parent can still be on those but not really know what's going on.

  • What about all those notes that come home in school bags?
  • What about those conversations at the end of the day?
  • What about the invites that come through on text or e-mail to the resident parent?

Parents should do everything they can (within reason) to get on because at the centre of their own drama are children caught up in a drama they really don't want to be a part of.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 14:25

heidiwine I think I love you...

OP posts:
heidiwine · 03/08/2017 14:29

@sothisisnew thanks Smile

After many years of experience, being a non-resident step parent is (in my opinion) one of the most difficult and misunderstood family role that there is. It's second only to being the child caught up in their parents' battles.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 03/08/2017 14:40

Do you have any words of wisdom for my DP?

I suggested mediation, but they tried it for the finances and it was a disaster so he's not keen.

OP posts:
heidiwine · 03/08/2017 14:49

Have PMed you.

Rainybo · 03/08/2017 15:34

sothisisnew No, we don't have joint residence, we do the EOW and one night in the week arrangement, so I do the majority of parenting as PPs have described.

I would do 50/50 but ex isn't interested in that (I'm not saying your DP isn't). It is bloody hard work for me, but not as hard work as it was within my marriage.

If it helps, DP and I earn roughly the same too.

Rainybo · 03/08/2017 15:34

Oops! ExH not DP!

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