He's now fighting for the children

[suntansally]

Hi does anyone have much experience in this area.
I've been married12 years, just received decree absolute ( against me got unreasonable behaviour-I did this as I wanted to save money I could have batted back and forth but just wanted it over) we have 4dcs aged 6-14 I have been their primary career whilst she has ran a business which has become profitable but he has now shrank this down to minimum pay for himself etc to avoid maintenance.hes now taking me to court as he wants the children 50% of the time. I have left university so that I can guide the children through this hard time so I am available all the time. He's keeping a pathetic. Diary of how many days minutes and seconds he's had the children. Does he stand much of a chance of winning this given that he lives with his dad in cramped conditions?

My ex works shifts and is off work in the hols when dc are with me and they go to childminders. I dont dictate his time and he does not dictate mine. If you think you should be able to then you are giving yourself more stress and upset.

It sounds awful but you learn to detach in away when they are not with you. Its better for you and them that way.

Use a solicitor for legal matters and look at things from Factual basis and how a judge might see it

Remember dc love their dad whatever they programmed to do so

Use a therapist or support group for rants and emotional.support

The courts will consider important that you are able to keep a roof over your & dcs' heads - even if it isn't the existing home. Given the upkeep that might be desirable.

He's fighting for 50/50 which he may well get despite not being with them 50/50 before. It's shit as that's never what you envisaged for you or the dcs and you can read his motives being £££. However, it means that you will have time to do things for yourself that were never possible with the dcs. You may also find your dcs are quite vocal about bunking down on a permanent basis once the novelty wears off and they're tired at school. If he wants to spend money putting them in very pricey childcare before/after school care and holidays that's his look out. Will cost him a bomb. It will also mean they'll relish the time with you.

My exH tried to suggest early on that I do Mon-Fri and he get the weekends. Or translated: I do the grunt stuff and he plays with the kids. Hahaha no. Instead he sees them after school twice a week and one day at the weekend; holidays are split 50:50 with overnights. This has come about because it's what the children want - and that's a very strong argument. They very firmly don't want overnights at his midweek in term time because like yours they have to bunk down/sleep is poor and all their bedrooms/beds stuff is here. If they wanted it split more 50/50 all year though I'd support that.

I suggest put everything through your solicitor and disengage as much as you can from the process. And embrace the opportunities that change brings: more time for you and DP, more time for hobbies & trips away, a new home with minimal maintenance etc. Then your exH's motivations won't matter a jot. And that's he best revenge: a life lived well

Thank you no I can take criticism it's fine this is all still raw for me I'm valuing the input thank you x

Actually I'm feeling far more positive thank you

You will have good and bad days sun try to remember on the bad days you can come through it. Lots of us have.

Best bit of advice I can give is:
Dont make rash/quick decisions. ALWAYS give yourself time to calm down and think about it.
Also think before you speak. I caused myself a few problems opening my mouth to the ex when he pissed me off when it would have been better for me to think first.
Do not trust he is your friend and has your intrests at heart....no matter what he tells you.

I can completely understand how you feel..What hours does he work? I would suggest with Summer holidays coming up you talk to him about having the extra time over the holidays.

Tell him his days he will be responsible for childcare. Tell him he will have to take sick leave if children are off school on his days. Let him know he will still be responsible for half uniform and school trips.

How long has he been with G/friend? Has been with his girlfriend been with him changed things.

Echo the above. Kids sick on his work days - his to sort out. I didn't do that, would always be the one to take time off because it felt right for the kids.

Mistake! It's become very difficult to get out of now without huge boat-rocking!

sorry ranting again...........

Well one very easy piece of advice I can give you is to I friend and block on Facebook. Seriously, that stuff is just giving you unnecessary angst and will eat you up.

Again - yes unfortunately she can do that. It's pretty insensitive of her! You can try and ask she doesn't - but if they say no, then you have to let it go unfortunately.

My ex's gf does this, I just have to ignore. Don't want her to know it bugs me!!

She is blocked other people send me it!

Yes again ignore..... where do we get to fight for our rights in this!!!????

You dont really have rights. The children do.
A parent can parent their child when with them any way they choose unless it will result in harm.
Any attempt by you to stop/block contact or harrass ex or gf will be frowned upon in court. Same goes for them by the way.

Its shit but you do learn to live with it and get over the little stuff.
50% of the time you have zero control over what your dc do or who they do it with (within reason).

The people who are sending this and feeding you information..Ask them to stop..

If she is all that others are saying she won't be around for long and then it may all change again.

OP really feel for you - unless you have had to deal with "fathers" like this the extent to which they will go to is not understood by all.

I totally get he wants you to suffer - I was a SAHM for 20yrs supported him build up a business and I have been shafted. my kids are older (now 16) - but i had my fair share of "trouble" from him over contact issues - basically everything had to fit in around him because he works ( more to fit in with OW and her kids) and he played it.

he wanted 50/50 but again had to suit him - kids didnt want it and settled at one night in week and every OW. even with this arrangement work always comes first! followed closely by Ow and then kids!

I would "agree" to the 50 /50 start it now - don't rely on the courts coming out with a reasonable judgement - you just have to read some of the posts on here.

don't expect him to be reasonable - he won't be - and none of this is with the kids interests in mind - sleeping on the floor is not putting kids interests first - he can see them - doesn't need to include sleepover but obviously he has to pay more - mine knew the exact number of nights etc. He is paying minimal maintenance - im having to go through CMS to get this and its a joke. - i can see why so many mothers give up

when both parents are reasonable its in the kids interests to see both parents - when one parent is trying to screw over the other and is using any tactic possible to do this - what message does this give the kids - it doesn't give them any security/ stability just mucks up their heads - at some point the courts need to catch up with this way of thinking - they are causing untold psychological damage to vulnerable children - children know - they are not stupid - they desperately want to be loved unconditionally by both parents - but some are incapable of doing this.

sorry OP im going through a rough patch right now and my anger is roused. be kind to yourself - yes you'll miss your kids but they will also miss you -

Thank you green beret means a lot and I hope that you come out the other side it's so difficult, he seemed nice tonight for a few minutes and actually I find it difficult as I can see the old him. It doesn't last long though so not holding my breath.All I care about is my children yet money will decide and as he's been the only one working he has the money.
Each day I feel differently too I'm so tired..... started exercise today so hopefully will lift my mood... all the children need is miserable mum once again thank you

It's absolutely shite that in this day and age we still feel they have the upper hand due to Money. Really is.

In terms of our 'rights' re the children - we have the same rights as the fathers do.

It's a good point that if those rights are equal, then so should the financial ones be. 🙄. My ex is still arguing about pensions and why should he pay into mine?!

thats the point, the rights aren't equal. The children, the equity, the pensions are all skewed one way. The courts are now bringing it back to equality but seemingly that is causing issues. It isn't money but greed/revenge/punishment in most cases. Sorting out childcare arrangements for your own kids should be the easiest thing in the world if both parents had kids interests at heart. But they always have theirs first in most cases and that's the root of the problem, not money

Well it kind of is money I haven't worked other than for him and now he can afford to live in a new home and I can't whilst he runs his £60k pa business and pays himself minimal fees wage..... that's thinking of himself and forcing me into a corner too, this is why I'm even more bitter than he can whisk the children half the time to another woman who will now skivvy for him......

Ps I'm not keeping a diary don't need to I have done 13 years I don't need to score points

wobytide sorting out the financial issues should also be easy if kids interests were put first. Most of these men can't put anyone's interests first except their own. They do not see women as equal they see us as being there to cook clean & everything else their mothers did for them. When children come along and they are "pushed" even further down the priority list they breed resentment. They do not see that they are capable of looking after themselves because they've never had too - they see the kids as competition for time and attention and their egos can't handle this. They think they can do anything a woman can do even childcare because they are superior- but they do not really want to do this. They just want to get back at the woman for putting the kids needs above theirs. Until society recognises the true value of a mother women will always be penalised.

Sun then just let him get on with it. She'll soon see! Or she won't - but either way he's not your issue to put up with any more.

I know you feel bitter. Most of us have been there and understand. I had to let mine go to their dad when he'd been so horrendous I'd had to involve police and solicitors. Not bloody easy that one, I can tell you!!

In time you do learn to let the bitterness go. You have to in order to start to rebuild. It eats away at you otherwise.

I'd have as little contact as possible. Block on social media (including the gf) and keep communication down to the necessary / factual only. A simple 'yes' or 'no' in reply to his, the bare minimum.

It's shite that he gets the financial advantage. Really is. So make sure you get a fair settlement in court, then try to move forward past the hard times. It really does get better!

My husband got 50 /50 custody when the children were sleeping on the settee in a one bedroom house. The judge agreed as he said is was temporary.