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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He's now fighting for the children

88 replies

suntansally · 22/06/2017 09:43

Hi does anyone have much experience in this area.
I've been married12 years, just received decree absolute ( against me got unreasonable behaviour-I did this as I wanted to save money I could have batted back and forth but just wanted it over) we have 4dcs aged 6-14 I have been their primary career whilst she has ran a business which has become profitable but he has now shrank this down to minimum pay for himself etc to avoid maintenance.hes now taking me to court as he wants the children 50% of the time. I have left university so that I can guide the children through this hard time so I am available all the time. He's keeping a pathetic. Diary of how many days minutes and seconds he's had the children. Does he stand much of a chance of winning this given that he lives with his dad in cramped conditions?

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 27/06/2017 09:08

I am sorry but i dont see the issue with him phoning his gf.
This is a new unplanned activity and he would be wrong to just say yes before checking with those involved in the later activity. He may need to check the timings of the dance class or what time the evening meal is.

You do need to let this sort of stuff go. Its not your business anymore who he phones. He is responsible for DC when they are with him and if you try and control that you will do more damage to your sanity.

justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 09:09

Rant away OP. It helps! And you're probably right re his motives. But as someone else said - don't waste your energy. Try to reach indifference (ha! If only!! I know. )

Let him rage and spend his time on revenge. So what? He'll be bitter on the inside. Rise above. X

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:20

I am rising above absolutely with your help thank you I just think he claims that he's doing this independent parent and already he's reliant on someone else.i just bumped into a friend who reminded me that the first time he was left with our first child he took her round her house whilst he went to price a job..........enough said when I got home it was 3pm and she hadn't had any food

OP posts:
Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:22

I have put a solicitors letter to him re mediation because if anything I will get to vent there which is what I need ...... thank you

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 09:27

Yep mine did that too! Now moans that it's so hard doing uniforms / packed lunches etc.

Hello - welcome to my world!

It's a rude awakening and he'll have to step up to normal parenting (plenty of men do this already). Mine seems to think he deserves a medal if he makes a sandwich. Grin - annoyingly he also uses his super-dad-ness as a way of showing off to new girlfriends.

Smile and wave!

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:39

God I'm going to miss them .....

OP posts:
Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:41

They will suffer though in the long run if he forgets things and just shows off .........
If he forces me out of their home then could you guys help with best way forward how did get a house I've applied for 2 jobs so that's all I can fit in I'm so frightened

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 09:44

And that's what this boils down to!

Of course you will. I missed mine terribly at first. Used to go look at their empty beds and feel so sad. It's still a killer when they are away for a fortnight with their dad in summer.

5 years on though, I do see it as a perk at times. I'm used to not seeing them all the time, and me and OH plan all sorts. Festivals, walks, dinner with friends - don't get me wrong, I still miss them! But they always love coming back. And it means you can get the chores done while they're not with you, and spend quality time with them when you've got them.

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:45

Yes that's pretty much it I guess how are your children now?

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 27/06/2017 09:47

You do miss them. Three years on I still miss mine but I do also enjoy the child free freedom I never had before Smile

In regards to the house that would be down to the judge. Simetimes the ruling is RP if they can afford to get to stay until the youngest is 18 or leaves full time education.
Sometimes they force a sale to split any equity or the other option is to buy him out.
You need proper legal afvice on this OP.
Have you seen a solicitor?

justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 09:48

Honestly -'they're fine. They do miss the other parent when they're not there and will sometimes phone. We are both fine with that (his gf not so much but that's another story. Thankfully he ignores that)

Plus they often phone / text to say 'dad's forgotten x or y - can we pick it up on our way past? Or - 'will you get me x to take to dad's house? Its irritating but as you say, you want to make sure they're ok!

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:52

I've got quite a good solicitor but I need to have lots of opinions to help me decide I want what's best for the children of course it's nice to hear the end to all this. I can afford the house for a bit although I hate being in there.i am ready to push in now and get this all over

OP posts:
Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 09:54

I feel so guilty for putting them in this situation too all they have aid is that they want us to be friends😳

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 27/06/2017 09:58

Children want what is simple but its not always for the best.
You can get through this I had quite a clinical attitude towrds my divorce in the end. I found it easier to remove the emotion.

What does he want in regards to tbe hoyse and where the children live?

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 10:05

He wants me out of the house and offered me £50k
I'm due £45k equity and his pension plans is £160k.he says I wanted out I can go! Also then he wants the dcs in that house. It would take a lot to persuade me of this although it may mean I could have a fresh start.... let him do the DIY which is all over the place.
His biggest worry far more than the children will be losing the house
This is why he's trying to make me unable to afford it.luckily I have a guarantor and will work to ensure I can afford it. It's cheaper than renting anything around here

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 27/06/2017 10:11

Dont agree to anything he wants. He will bully, get angry, threaten you and be nice to you. Ignore all and let the court decide.

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 10:16

Thank you flossy I think different things each day and am finding the new girlfriend a bit difficult she is lovely but it's all very early for them.flossy if I keep the house do you think I'll have greater chance with the dc's until he has a home....... I'd rather warm the children into her gently and it works then of course let them be with dad as often as they like. I'd like them to take small steps first

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 27/06/2017 10:28

As long as he has appropriate housing which by the way does not always mean they have a bedroom then if 50:50 is awarded it will happen pretty quick.

As far as wrming the children to the gf not your call I am afraid and not something the court will usually allow you to dictate.
He could have sleep overs at hers with them now and unless its unsafe you cannot do a thing about it. Sorry sun I know this is alot for you to deal with Flowers

justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 10:38

This is top advice sun. Wish I'd heard all this before our court case. Would have saved a fortune and a ton of stress!

Sometimes the hardest thing is doing what's best for the children, because it conflicts with what we want. Especially when there's game playing / raw emotions involved.

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 10:39

How does he stand that he wants them 50% yet can't tell me what they are doing summer hols ( q) is it ok for them to be in childcare whilst I am home in their house all summer

OP posts:
Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 10:41

I guess they can work it out for themselves in the long run, am I within my rights to tell the children that they can call me to come home any time they are with their dad ?

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 10:51

Bottom line is - his time is his time. If he wants to put them in child care while he works - even if you're at home - then he is perfectly entitled to do so. Similarly with holiday arrangements.

It's why it's always best to he civil and help each other out. It can really work both ways. So you might say - oh I'm off next week while you're at work - I can have the kids if you need? (Would save him a fortune too in child care)

But he can do what he wants to with his time - including asking the gf to look after them. But then so can you of course.

As for holidays - we have an online spreadsheet - we add dates as and when we Book things - but allow the other to make changes as needed. So Long as it's broadly 50/50 we don't mind, either of us.

justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 10:53

No! Not in your rights to say that to them, and neither should you. You'll undermine their dad, and their time with him - and make them feel insecure when they're there. He will get angry and resentful (rightly so!) and it'll create a bad relationship - which will impact on the children.

I suspect that's more about your need to be needed.

The best thing you can do is encourage them to have a good relationship with him. Get him on side!

If my ex said that to mine while they were with me, I'd be furious!

Original poster
suntansally · 27/06/2017 11:18

If I'd have known being a SAHM for 12 years with no emotional support would finish like this I'd have made him do far more and not worried about growing his business for him Angry

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 27/06/2017 11:24

I know. Lots of 'if onlys '. I'd have done things very differently too!!

But onward and upward - what's done is done. Time to create a new normal!

Sorry. I sound mercenary. It took me 2
Breakdowns and a whole load of stress to get to this. Don't be me, make it easier for yourself!

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