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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex taking daughter on holiday

26 replies

skye33 · 22/05/2016 22:10

My ex has told me he is taking our 4 year old on holiday abroad for a week which I agreed to but he won't tell me exact details. I don't feel it is unreasonable to want him to tell me where they are going but he says that telling me the dates he wants to take away is all I need to know. Anyone have any experience of this ? We are only recently seperated and not on good terms.

OP posts:
Oliviaerinpope · 22/05/2016 22:13

I wouldn't be comfortable with this. Do you hold the passport at the moment?

Original poster
skye33 · 22/05/2016 22:46

Definitely feel uncomfortable not knowing. Yes I have her passport currently. Am reluctant to hand over to him unless he gives me the details of holiday but he seems to think there is no need for him to.

OP posts:
Oliviaerinpope · 22/05/2016 22:56

I wouldn't share the passport without knowing where, specific resorts, flights and which airlines have been booked. In the meantime, I'd be going to court for a residence (child arrangement) order to arrange these details formally for next time. Good luck Flowers

Ratbagcatbag · 22/05/2016 23:00

I wouldn't hand over the passport under those circumstances.

Hell, my DSS was 17 when we went to Disney land at Xmas and I still texted his mum hotel info, euro tunnel times and once there the room number too. DSS communicates with his mum daily when we're away but I know she'd want to know that info and DSS wouldn't engage brain before hand. She's equally always given us the info before they go away too.

CommonBurdock · 22/05/2016 23:12

No he's being a controlling arse. He doesn't have the right to take DC out of country without your permission. Ask him how he'd feel if boot was on other foot. Ask your solicitor for advice if he carries on like this and don't give out passport.

lifeisunjust · 23/05/2016 07:38

Take out for a moment your relationship with the person taking your child on holidays.

If your child was going on a school trip, would the school tell you where they are going and staying?
If your child was going out even for the day with a friend, would your friend tell you where they were going?

Really it is a matter of safety to know where your child is!!!! It might be different with a teenager who can communicate, but with a 4 year old, absolutely no. All you need to know is which country and where staying, nothing else.

I'd be aghast if anyone here would say that it is unreasonable to know where a 4 year old is.

MrsBertBibby · 23/05/2016 10:56

It's perfectly normal for full travel and accommodation details to be required. Stick to your guns, and keep the passport safe.

Micah · 23/05/2016 11:01

Would you give all thise details to him if you took your dd away?

If so, yanbu expecting him to reciprocate.

Dh's ex refuses to tell us. The first we know that they're even going away is when she cancels contact the week before. Apparently dh has no need for the details. So there are people out there who do think it's reasonable. As she has the passports nothing he can do to stop her.

willconcern · 23/05/2016 11:04

Hmmm. My ex takes our DCs away, and I don't always know where they're going. I'll know which country. I don't tell him where we're going either.

But then, I trust him entirely to look after them properly, he would answer his mobile if I rang it, and he would ring me if there was any issue with the kids.

It's not unreasonable of you to want to know where he's taking your DD, but I think the real question is do you trust him.

Ludways · 23/05/2016 12:24

I'd never take dsd away without telling her mum all the details and she's 17. It's just the done thing IMO. He's being an arse, don't give him her passport until he says.

Ludways · 23/05/2016 12:26

Oh and if she goes away with her mum, we don't expect full details. Mum is resident parent, I think that makes it different.

Original poster
skye33 · 23/05/2016 18:21

I would definitely let him know where I was taking her on holiday and what hotel in case of any emergency. Even as the non resident parent I think he would have a right to know. It is a control thing with him 100% I trust him with her and his parents are going too so that is not the issue more that I just don't like not knowing where she is at her age. Also it is the first holiday abroad she ll go on with out me as we only been seperated 4 months so it's a new situation for all of us. Do I need to give written consent ??

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/05/2016 22:31

You don't need to give written consent, but I'd also want to know the location. You aren't being unreasonable, but he is.

It's not like you're going to stalk them on holiday. Could you ask his parents?

Minime85 · 26/05/2016 06:41

I think you should be told the details too just out of courtesy, why is he holding the information back? For whose interests? My ex and I don't say if we are going somewhere in this country but we do know if we are taking kids away abroad and give each other full flight details and hotel details.

The father doesn't need persimission from you but my understanding is a woman needs permission from the dad.

Micah · 26/05/2016 10:55

I think you should be told the details too just out of courtesy, why is he holding the information back? For whose interests?

I would have said this, however the "wedding abroad" reminded me that I have told family holiday plans before, and they have decided it would be nice to have a "family holiday" and booked also.

The father doesn't need persimission from you but my understanding is a woman needs permission from the dad

No. Anyone taking a child out of the country needs permission from any other party with parental responsibility. So while he probably won't have any issue at the airport, if he is stopped he needs to prove you have given permission. A letter is easiest. Sex/father/mother doesn't come into it- that would be sex discrimination in a major way.

StormyBlue · 26/05/2016 11:10

I read that whether you get stopped or not depends on the country and how suspicious you look. So if you have a different surname or look very different (such as if you have a child of a different race with you) you should take precautions incase you are stopped. Countries with strict border controls or where child trafficking/kidnap is a big issue will also be more likely to question people travelling with children.

Minime85 · 26/05/2016 15:37

I'm sorry Micah I was just offering advice and didn't realise it would be picked apart. That is very sad that a holiday was booked when you already had one booked.

It is such a shame adults can't work together for the benefit of the children, which is what should be at the forefront of people's minds. It should be what op is aiming for.

And I had only heard as I said about it legally being the man who can travel without permission. I'm not a lawyer or legal expert and never claimed to be. I know that I took a letter from ex and then he had one from me too.

adviceneededmums · 22/06/2016 23:23

I was never asked for a letter, however I was stopped for about 15 minutes as I couldn't prove my son was my son(due to surnames)! They said I needed to travel with a birth certificate next time.

My ex does this all the time. I don't even know where he lives. It's just a way to control you.

donners312 · 23/06/2016 14:29

I've just been to court because of this - basically you have to give permission to the other person and yes written permission is best.

It would be seen by court to be reasonable to have holiday details and you would probably have to have agreed some sort of contact details like skype while your daughter is away.

But you can't really refuse permission unless you were strongly suspicious that your husband was going to take her away for good eg if he was arabic and going to an arabic country and had made threats he wouldn't bring her back.

Good Luck!

lifeisunjust · 25/06/2016 09:24

donners312 that really is only true under certain conditions, otherwise it is not true. I find what you have written quite misleading and not helpful at all.

donners312 · 25/06/2016 18:28

Oh dear lifeisunjust in what way do you think I was unhelpful or misleading? Not my intention at all!

lifeisunjust · 25/06/2016 18:34

In your case you had to get permission but in other people's cases they do not need permission to go on holiday out of the UK, so you shouldn't say

basically you have to give permission to the other person and yes written permission is best

because for other it simply will be untrue and it will leave them worried.

donners312 · 25/06/2016 18:42

Oh OK not trying to make anyone worry!

you do have to have the other parents permission in theory but my solicitor told me no judge will agree that a parent cannot take their child on holiday.

In the OP case she probably would have to agree that her ex partner took their daughter on holiday.

However he would be expected to tell her where it was to, and how she could contact her daughter and when while they were away etc.

I wasn't trying to worry or mislead anyone - I had this exact situation myself and it went to court. My husband had to give me permission to take the children on holiday and now I have a court order so that i don't have to ask his permission again. But i do let him know where we are going and how he can contact them (that is not court ordered). just common sense.

lifeisunjust · 25/06/2016 18:46

I'm sorry but the "theory" of asking the other parent for permission is simply not true. It depends on a number of factors.

donners312 · 25/06/2016 19:05

OK well the OP can ask her solicitor if it is true or not. I don't want to argue with you at all. I had to go to court to get a court order to take my children on holiday because you need the other parents permission but maybe there are variable factors that I am an unaware of.

Hopefully the OP can sort it out without it getting that far and for sure her ex has to give her information about where he is taking her daughter and how she can contact her.

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