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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

URGENT help re child contact please

96 replies

Homely1 · 24/09/2015 11:18

So separated for some time, cannot think, toddler DC and DH who has been useless now sends me letter for DC staying overnight with him every other weekend PLUS contact for a day on the alternative weekend. Seems like a lot. DC has never stayed away or had very much time alone with DH.

Anyone recommend excellent lawyer who does child related issues in London? Very scared. He's using a very eminent firm.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 08/10/2015 21:21

Not all solicitors are money driven. A good one may recommend you try to keep things amicable because legal action is toxic for children, and a solicitor inevitably only hears their client's version of events - and in actual fact, this may be excellent advice, strategically.

If you send a polite letter, off your own bat, offering your child-centred, reasonable proposals, and he rejects them because he's ME, ME, ME, he then has to justify that later, when he explains why he forced you to get a solicitor involved.

And I think, once again, you need to remember that none of us here know much about your situation. Your solicitor, hopefully, knows all about your situation. Asking a random group of unqualified people to advise you on the legal - as opposed to the emotional - aspects of your child arrangements is worrying me a bit because you are going to stress yourself out unbelievably. None of us know what your solicitor's thinking is or what facts they have to work with. Honestly, if you are wondering why they are suggesting this route, ask them.

If you don't feel you can trust him or her, consider moving elsewhere. But personally, I would be more inclined to trust someone who is trying to get a client to resolve things quietly and amicably if possible - and perhaps creating a nice paper trail indicating their ex's lack of reasonableness, en route.

sleeponeday · 08/10/2015 21:25

Sorry, started typing before putting kids to bed and didn't refresh before posting. Rookie MN error! But yes, agree good advice.

sleeponeday · 08/10/2015 21:26

I fear being jeered at at emailing but also understand the other side of attempting to sort alone.

A polite, reasonable email trying to focus on your DD's best interests is going to make you look a loving and concerned parent. A jeery, nasty response will simply demonstrate what you have to deal with, and will make your case for you. And if the response is positive and constructive, you will have saved yourself endless stress and many, many thousands of pounds.

TooSaasy · 08/10/2015 21:28

Homely.

Listen. When my situation started and things started to calm down a little (everything for the first 10 days went through lawyers), I asked my lawyer what the legal ramifications were of my entering a dialogue with him directly (I.e would it compromise my legal position in anyway).

This was the answer I received. You really don't have to watch what you say to him that much (my lawyer knew there would obviously be no threats etc etc). If we end up in court, this direct dialogue is just viewed as 'noise' and is irrelevant to the judge. However if I was able to work out a situation directly without having to go to court this would save both a lot of time, energy and money on my side. And longer term impact to children (if a CAFCAS officer gets involved). It's not a pleasant situation from all accounts.

Please please don't be so stressed. If you don't want to enter a dialogue with him then don't. It didn't bother me tbh. If he would have been a twat then I would have reverted to lawyers.

Are you sleeping/ eating etc?

Homely1 · 08/10/2015 22:14

Thank you so much for the sound, fair advice.

To be honest, I ache, cannot sleep
properly and feel miserable, anxious and stressed. I keep on thinking and thinking.

OP posts:
Fuckitfay · 08/10/2015 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooSaasy · 09/10/2015 07:53

Homely.

When I had my first emergency meeting with the lawyers. I couldnt eat. Could just about stomach tea. The lawyer said to me that the most important thing I had to do was look after myself. Because through out this process I needed to be able to think as clearly as possible. She said that even if I had to go to the GP and get some short term help with sleeping aids etc that I should.

I took her advice on board. And even though I didn't need the GP, I made sure I looked after myself and ate well (even if I didn't feel like it). I also made sure I have a support network around me. What RL support do you have around you?

I'm really trying to understand why you are stressing so much. Your ex just seems to be asking for access that is pretty standard. What else is going through your mind? What are you scared about?

Homely1 · 09/10/2015 09:52

Thank you so much. I'm worried re DC age and being away (DC can be clingy, calls for me overnight etc), not knowing what DC is up to, not being nurtured in the same way as priorities are different. DC needs not being put first and being displayed as a bit of a monkey, by that I mean, people using DC as a talking point ('oh look DC can do X, y, z) but not putting DC first. Also, DC being 'parented' by extended family who do not care in the same way as me. All of these people bad- mouthing me to DC too as they are like that. All DH correspondence to me has been about his rights and rights of family members over DC. Also, the household not being adapted to DC ie dangerous bits and pieces not being moved (there are instances of pint blank refusal to remove dangerous objects previously). No importance of a child and routine, being paraded around at all hours.

I do have support around... I'm also really grateful for your messages as it's helpful to hear the experience of others

OP posts:
TooSaasy · 09/10/2015 18:55

Oh dear Homely, you are getting yourself twisted into knots. I don't really know what else to say to you apart from reiterating what I said earlier on in the thread.

All of these fears, you simply have to put them out of your mind and stop putting yourself through the wringer. Your ex is going to get the access he has asked for. And you have to trust that he has the best interests of his DC in the forefront of his mind.

Listen, if there's one thing becoming a parent has taught me, it's that there is no right or wrong way to parent children. Some parents (like me) put my DC's into a routine from when they were babies. Cousins of mine had their young un's up late at family gatherings frequently. Both sets of children are fine. No lasting scars. Extended family can also be phenomenal in helping to raise balanced children. My DC's are incredibly close to cousins, aunts and uncles etc. I myself was raised with an extended family and even now I have such a special bond with my cousins.

The point I am trying to make is that all the negatives you have can also be a huge positive. There are so many posts on mnet about absent fathers who don't want to see their DC's and that is heartrending. Your ex wants to be involved. You have to start trying to turn your fears into positives for your own sanity.

I need to ask one question, and it's been in my mind for a while. Are you scared of losing control over your DC? What I mean by that is, are you scared that she may start to form a strong bond with your ex and his family?

Because again, that is only a positive thing that will help shape her confidence. She'll always know who her mum is. No one can replace you. You do know that don't you?

Homely1 · 09/10/2015 19:39

Thank you so much TooSassy. I really appreciate your time. I am in knots, I'm scared to contact him in any way. Could I really go without having a full weekend with DC?

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 09/10/2015 20:11

Homely, I know it's really, really hard. I truly do. But there is a lot of evidence that children grow up happier and more successful on a range of markers if they have a positive relationship with both parents. It's hard and very sad that he and his family won't provide the sort of parenting kids ideally deserve, but it is, still, better by far that she knows where she comes from, and what her roots are, with that side of her family. Her father and his family do sound hard work and selfish, but they are also her family, and she needs to have a sense of them and her place in their lives to feel confident about who she is.

I suppose the answer is: you will manage a full weekend away from her because you love her, and good and regular contact with her father is what she needs, if she is to grow up a happy, stable person.

Second all the advice on trying to eat, and sleep, and be kind to yourself over the weeks and months ahead. It's very hard and stressful, I know. But in time, you may even find that the odd day to catch up with friends child-free, or even with housework, or some sleep, may be a positive. She's so very tiny still - as time goes on the intensity of the bond does start to lessen. Not the love, just the way they are almost part of you - the loosening of the apron strings slowly happens and they do get more and more independent.

Meanwhile, hang on in there and try to remember that she will be fine, and so will you. And this will be over, and a happy new life lies beyond this arrangement-making phase.

TooSaasy · 09/10/2015 20:23

Superb advice from sleeponeday

I'm the wrong person to ask about weekend away from DC's.

I've taken mini breaks with friends since Dc's were toddlers. And am not going to lie, having a weekend free to have a lie in, read the papers, shop, have brunch, hit the gym. It's not all bad.

Seriously though. Fill the weekends with something nice, something for you. What is it you enjoy? Or what have you wanted to do/ learn?

Homely1 · 09/10/2015 21:12

It is very heart warming hearing of all your experiences. My DC is everything. I'm too aficionados to even message him. How could DC not have a weekend with me to bond?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 09/10/2015 23:30

I am not meaning to be harsh but from that huge post that someone took the time to write you took the one point that you will have to forego a weekend. I am sorry but you really well and should want to. It's hard when I wave my boys off, they rough and tumble with their dad, he feeds them dominos and they watch crap but they adore him and vice versa. I mum and he dads.... I do think you are getting in a state a bit and need to step back. He is and should be allowed a relationship as should his family....

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 00:34

wannabe i initially read her comment as you did, however on second thoughts i think she means her husbands request to have day contact on her weekend would mean she wouldnt ever have a full weekend with her child.

TendonQueen · 10/10/2015 01:11

Yes, I read it as meaning she worried she would never get a whole weekend with the kids based on his proposal. I would respond, or get a solicitor to, saying the amount of contact is ok but the alternate weeks should be midweek not weekends to allow you both to have equal quality weekend time with kids. That is the norm and would surely be hard to argue with.

Homely1 · 10/10/2015 07:47

Yes that is what I was meaning... That on the second weekend, he wants a day too so there is no full weekend with me.

I am sorry if I came across as just taking away one point. I have not. I have taken in everything that all posters have taken the time to write. This is the reason for my thank yous for sharing. Everyone's experience does help. I am in a bit of a state as mentioned so hearing how others have managed/ had had to put up with too helps in a way, as well as the caring advice to take a step back and look after me too. I am grateful for everyone's time.... Just scared that some judge may accept what he wants (ie no full weekend with me) and the other parenting stuff (which I have to suck up). I am probably not coming across right!

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 10/10/2015 07:52

I am sorry.... It is difficult I know . There are many things I disagree with or have issues with and its exacerbated what you don't have an amicable relationship with your ex. It does get easier though and for what it's worth I don't think he would get every weekend.

Homely1 · 11/10/2015 22:32

Thank you...

OP posts:
TooSassy · 13/10/2015 21:40

Homely

How you getting on?

Richywalters12 · 13/10/2015 22:54

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