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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

URGENT help re child contact please

96 replies

Homely1 · 24/09/2015 11:18

So separated for some time, cannot think, toddler DC and DH who has been useless now sends me letter for DC staying overnight with him every other weekend PLUS contact for a day on the alternative weekend. Seems like a lot. DC has never stayed away or had very much time alone with DH.

Anyone recommend excellent lawyer who does child related issues in London? Very scared. He's using a very eminent firm.

OP posts:
BoboChic · 05/10/2015 15:17

Please relax. Your exH will not be awarded contact every weekend by a court against your wishes. However, he will in all likelihood be granted a full weekend EOW (two nights/two days) plus one night per week.

lookingforlight · 05/10/2015 22:19

So can I ask what is was you proposed back in your letter?

You have to stop worrying so much. I totally agree with Curlysue. Right now you have to look after yourself, eat well and sleep. It is imperative that you do that so you can think straight and most importantly not allow your DC to pick up on your stress.

Original poster
Homely1 · 05/10/2015 23:19

Thank you all...

To build up time

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 06/10/2015 00:28

SurlyCue's advice is excellent. And suggesting building up time so the child is confident in the EOW plus one offered midweek night, and can enjoy it, is a child-focused suggestion that reflects well on you. His suggestion that she should just adapt to what suits him is... less so.

Please don't worry. You don't want to prevent contact, everything you want to happen is reasonable, you aren't doing anything wrong. Your DD needs you to be as calm as possible for her, PP are right.

Original poster
Homely1 · 06/10/2015 14:11

Thank you.

In an initial response, should negative behaviours be highlighted?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 06/10/2015 14:20

I would just counter with your proposals. Its about moving forward ....

Original poster
Homely1 · 06/10/2015 14:24

Advice is that then difficult to mention later

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 06/10/2015 23:46

You need to trust your solicitor. You've been careful in choosing, and now need to believe what they tell you.

I know it's scary, but they have all the facts, and plenty of experience. Flowers

lookingforlight · 07/10/2015 00:41

OP. One question. Do you think the father of your DC would harm your child? Do you think she is at any risk in his care?

Original poster
Homely1 · 07/10/2015 08:05

Thank you.

I don't think at risk in the sense of abuse etc but I think that will not be thought of first. DC needs will not be put first. I think that if DC is upset etc, I would not know. I also think that DH will do with DC what DH is told to but his extended family around him. I do think that DC will be unsettled overnight.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 07/10/2015 10:36

Ok, while these feelings are understandable, i'm afraid this is something you will have to accept. It is hard, i have the same issue with my exp but we have to accept that the DC has a right a relationship with their other parent even if they arent providing the level of care you think they should. You need to adjust your thinking to realise that you are not the "senior" parent. Just because you are the mother does not mean you get to decide how the child is parented by the other parent. His opinions on parenting are just as valid as yours and he could just as easily disagree with things you do. Neither of you has seniority. If he isnt as attentive as you, or leaves a lot of it to his parents well that's up to him. You cant control every aspect of your child's life. There will be things his dad is better than you at doing and things he is worse at. It is frustrating, i know, i have to go through it every time my DC go to their dad's. But he is their parent just as I am and they have a right to see him warts and all. There are no perfect parents. Including you.

Original poster
Homely1 · 07/10/2015 11:33

Thank you...it is about changing the thought process

OP posts:
TooSaasy · 07/10/2015 19:37

Surlycue is spot on with her post. You have to accept that he may not parent the same way. He may be more lax or more strict on very simple things like bedtimes. Or food. Or treats. Or the amount of TV time she gets.

And you have no choice but to let that happen and let it go. My STBXH insists on letting our DC's stay up late to watch rugby/ football matches when he has them. 10pm bedtime when they are at school is just too late. They get dropped back to me overtired and stroppy as a result. I have no choice but to let this slide. You will have to do the same. Because the court is going to give him (quite rightly IMO) overnight access.

She may occasionally come back clingy or unsettled as you say and at this point you have to do something really pivotal. You have to firmly tell her that her dad loves her and that she shouldn't be unsettled. She'll be looking to you for reassurance. If instead of reassuring her, you instead become upset yourself that she is unsettled, then it could become a bit of a vicious circle.

She'll be with her dad. She'll be absolutely fine. And you need to let her know that. Again and again. Hope that helps

Original poster
Homely1 · 07/10/2015 21:08

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Original poster
Homely1 · 08/10/2015 06:57

Would anyone respond to DH letter from solicitor with a personal response rather than solicitor's letter in attempt to tone this down/not let things spiral down further legal
avenues?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 08/10/2015 07:43

No I would keep it on a legal footing....

Bellemere · 08/10/2015 08:06

I have done that in the past.

SurlyCue · 08/10/2015 10:17

No. He isnt interested in toning it down, if he was abusive to you in the marriage then he has no respect for you on a personal level. He has engaged a solicitor, you know what that means? It means he believes a solicitor letter holds weight. If he was to get a personal letter from you he would be laughing up his sleeve at the fact your still had the idea you could appeal to his emotional senses. and he would use it to manipulate you. It is actually in your interests for it to go down the legal road. Solicitors and courts mean legal obligation for him to stick to what is agreed. If you try and sort it between yourselves he will tell you what he knows you want to hear then do whatever the fuck he wants.

Im putting this is capitals so you cant miss it

THIS MAN ABUSED YOU ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO YOUR PERSONAL LEVEL AGAIN OR HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.

Solicitor really is your safest route with an abuser such as you describe. Dont open yourself up to more abuse by him. I really cant say that enough. Dont let him back in.

Original poster
Homely1 · 08/10/2015 17:07

Thank you so much... Thing is, my solicitor said to email. Hence confusion

OP posts:
Original poster
Homely1 · 08/10/2015 17:09

I kind of thought that I should not try to 'appeal' to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Homely1 · 08/10/2015 17:11

.... Because of all the history as you say

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 08/10/2015 17:24

Your solicitor advised to email him saying what? I can guarantee any solicitor with half a brain cell will not be discouraging you to go down the legal route. They'd be talking themselves out of money! They charge for every letter, phonecall etc.

Original poster
Homely1 · 08/10/2015 17:51

Saying something similar to response letter, see if response then follow with lettet

OP posts:
TooSaasy · 08/10/2015 19:33

I'm going to disagree slightly on the not emailing him directly. Unless you have bottomless pits of cash, the solicitors fees build up very very quickly. Also, more and more solicitors are advocating that arrangements regarding children are made outside of court (the family courts are very much pushing this from the little I have read)

OP my one caveat is this. I'm really unclear on the element of abuse with your ex. I by no means am excusing abuse or saying that there are some levels of abuse that are acceptable. No abuse is acceptable. I'm not explaining myself very well, so let me give an example. My STBXH is a bully and manipulative. Emotional games were very evident (in hindsight) in our marriage. Does that make him abusive? Absolutely. But is the degree of abuse so much that I feel scared/ daunted entering a direct dialogue (written or verbal) with him directly? No. I have his number, am wise to his games.

So on the advice of my lawyer, I corresponded with him directly. (Without my lawyer involved). Short term we arrived at a solution that works without the need for legal intervention. For medium to longer term we have now entered mediation. It has saved me a near fortune in lawyers fees.

My mediator has also explained that courts only get involved in child access arrangements if they absolutely have to. Otherwise this area remains a personal area for both parents to sort. Majority of arrangements go this route.

Now listen, this was the advice I received and I made the judgement call based on my situation.
As many other posters have said, the access of Every other weekend for overnight and one night a week is a very typical scenario. I cannot really see what the need for lawyers is in your situation if that is what you are both settling with.

Please tell me if Ive missed something important OP.

Original poster
Homely1 · 08/10/2015 21:13

Thank you so much. I really appreciate every comment. It has really helped me in some way. You have all probably gathered that I am terribly stressed.

In hindsight too, I realise how emotionally abusive DH was and is. I am afraid to have any sort of dialogue with him but that is true of that via the law too! Nonetheless, I must find the courage to and say what is acceptable and not. I am always afraid of his response. He is manipulative, puts on the charm with others, yells at me and does not listen. He always makes me feel that I am wrong.

I fear being jeered at at emailing but also understand the other side of attempting to sort alone. I do not want a stranger picking DC fate as it were. I wish I could think more logically.

OP posts:
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