Mediation advice needed

[onehundrethnamechange]

My exh has requested through his solicitor we attend mediation for various parenting issues and disagreements over our DC

Should I or do I have to agree to use the mediators his solicitors have suggested? I have been advised to not agree to this but I am happy to agree to mediation through someone of my choice & have informed his solicitor of this in a letter however the mediator contacted me today & I don't know what to do?

Does it really matter what mediators we use? They're all run separately from solicitors aren't they?
Any advice really appreciated

Do you have a solicitor?

I had a free half an hour with one but that was before I received letter re mediation. A solicitor friend of friend who deals in family law said I have nothing to worry about and I don't or shouldn't have to agree to mediation. They're away at the moment though so I can't contact her for further advice, that's why I thought I'd post here?

ime if you have any grounds to claim legal aid you will have to agree to mediation as without it you cannot get you legal aid certificate (I may be wrong but this is what I was told by the mediation team).

they are completely neutral and will sort out what is fair to you both o. terms of financial settlements and will help facilitate discussions around your dc.

I would tell the mediation firm that you will not be doing anything until you have sought your own legal advice.

I'm not entitled to legal aid, have already looked into that online.

We divorced 6 years ago but having issues over parenting now our dc are teenagers. He wants me to follow his rules in my house despite me not agreeing to them and feeling my dd would suffer more by his extreme control (ie no social media, no walking to school, no going out with friends, no sleepovers, no Internet unless supervised. She's 13 in 2 months. And because I told him i couldnt agree to this has gone for the mediation. (Although at same time telling my dd he won't let this go & will spend thousands in court if necessary to get what he wants)

I left him because he was controlling, mentally & financially abusive as well as being a pathological liar. He's still tried to control me through the kids since divorce (calling all the shots re maintenance, contact times, rules, discipline etc) & I just can't take it any more. It's affecting me & our dc in a massive way. I really think the mediation is just going through the motions as he wants to go for full custody. He told me he would do this if I had gone against his wishes with regards to dd & if had ignored his rules in past. Now I've done that over this summer I think that's what he's lining up to do.

in which case refuse everything. in the majority of split families their are different rules om each house and generally speaking the kids cope fine. in your position I would not agree to his rules either. very domineering and restrictive for a girl who is growing into a young lady.

just say No! tell the mediation firm that you will not agree to anything until you have consulted your own legal team and then ignore. no court in the land would force you to i pose his rules!

Thank you

I think it's all kind of what I know and feel I should do anyway, it's just shaking off the fear that he will try anything possible to get his own way. Have never been able to stand up to him although am finally growing a pair & saying enough is enough.

He was the same with our ds at similar age but kind of let things go in the end. Has openly admitted to dd it's because she's a girl he's being more over protective

She's really beginning to dislike him & going to his now. He knows this but doesn't care if she hates him as he's convinced he's right & totally acting in her best interests. Whereas I am obvs the worlds worst mother & don't give a shit!

Mediation is not recommended if there is an unbalanced power dynamic, or a history of abuse.

Ring the mediators and explain why you won't be seeing them together as there is past history of abuse.
There might be a chance of shuttle mediation, (where one mediator sees him, and one you, and you don't meet.). This way you present your needs without being blindsided. It is useful for negotiation, as mediators won't accept ant shit from him.

Mediation is very strict, and has good agreed outcomes. I would advise you have shuttle mediation from mediators experienced in abuse situations.

Contact women's aid for advice, and for recommendations for their mediators. They've seen it all.

Your dd has a voice too, and should be included in the mediation process. That way her statements will be available to a court should it all come to that.

I know that if any mediation goes ahead I would request shuttle mediation. I cannot bear to think about sitting in a room with him & listening to him undermine me and belittle me in the way he has done during previous meetings to sort things ourselves. To be honest I don't even think we'd get past the initial stage as I don't think it will be deemed suitable for us.

Am I entitled though to say i will only agree if it can be mediators of my choosing rather than ones his solicitors are recommending?

Venus - that's why in some ways I'm quite keen for mediation to go ahead, because off dd's wishes.

We've had meetings to discuss reducing contact & he was very unwilling to agree, even though dd was sat there in tears saying it was what she wanted. We eventually agreed to reducing it by a few nights each month but he sat there and told her her reasons where pathetic (issues over stepmum & derogatory comments about me, plus sibling issues & just generally wanting to spend more time at mine as our relationship is better at the moment)