what/where first?

[candybarfallingstar]

I have finally decided dh and I need to part, mainly so the children are saved from our rows.

I don't know what to do first - have 2 dcs of 4 and 2. From past discussions I know dh will not leave the marital home, even temporarily. Frankly, if I have the kids with me, he can keep it.

I am a sahm, little access to money right now. He's intimated in the past he wd want custody of the kids on grounds of my ongoing depression (I'm fully engaged with available treatment). He works long hours in the city.

What do I do first? My own parents are in another country and dh is back at school in jan. I have no friends here with room for all of us.

There has been violence in the past.

find a solicitor ASAP, squirrel the money away somehow. you absolutely need to do things the right way to avoid probs later on.

go to the CAB or look on line at their website. open a bank account in your name if you dont have one already. is there anyone in RL you can confide in? if so do. good luck.

Candybar, most solicitors offer a free half hour consultation, that should give you a starting point. Do you receive Child Benefit? If it is not paid into your bank account but a joint one, see about getting it changed.

As above, also check out local family mediation companies and talk to one or two of them asap.

The initial phases of breakup are a time of unreasonable madness and emotions can override common sense. Try to stay calm and take a long term perspective.

Bear in mind the money you currently have between you is not going to stretch to provide two separate households of your current standard of living.

Also accept that you are going to have to discuss and negotiate everything with xdh whatever your or his feelings are (which is where the mediators come in).

Gather together as much financial information as you can get your hands on.

AFAIK (I am not a solicitor etc) the start point is this. The children's needs are paramount (but these needs must be reasonable and you both have responsibilities to the children). You are entitled to 50% of all the marital assets, which is everything you own and he owns, it doesn't matter whose name it's in. This includes equity in the house, pensions, whatever. Your xdh has no responsibility to provide you personally with an income once you are separated - as a sahm now this is effectively what he is doing. Child maintenance is worked out on the basis of what time they spend with who x net income (check out CSA website for details). If this split doesn't leave enough for the children to have a reasonable lifestyle then adjustments will have to be negotiated.

Good luck.