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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Loneliness after divorce...

19 replies

theendishere · 19/07/2013 13:10

After a long stressful divorce (during which me ex and I lived in the same house for 1.5 years - hell), I finally moved into my own place a couple of months ago. The lonelinless is hell. I see friends but they're all married so most of their weekends are spent doing family things. I have a 7 year old son who livs with me most of the time, so my opportunites to go out are limited by that too.
I've tried dating sites and met a few nice(ish) people but no one ive wanted to see more than a couple of times.
I'm suffering lots of aches and pains which my doctor has said it probably stress and a delayed reation to how awful the last year and a half has been. She has advised me to avoid stress, focuss on doing nice things for me and for my son, etc. Added to this my mother has terminal cancer and I therefore feel I can'f plan to do things like going away in case anything happens to her.
I'm finding life pretty difficult atm. Even the hot weather rubs salt in the wound as everyone seems to out on more trips out with their partners, etc

OP posts:

GherkinsAreAce · 19/07/2013 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

theendishere · 19/07/2013 13:18

Thanks :)

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 19/07/2013 13:27

Anyone else been through this or similar?

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itwillgetbettersoon · 20/07/2013 08:14

I understand completely what you are saying. I went out with a group of friends last night, all married apart from me. It was a lovely night but I did realise that I need to do more to kick start my social life again. My STBXH and I had a reay good social life with a great group of married couples. These married couples are not really there for me now and it does make me feel very lonely.

I have two children under 12 who live with me all the time so my opportunities and money are limited too.

I'm in my late 40s to so need to think about what I want from this next phase of life. I'm thinking of having golf lessons with my children so that perhaps I have a hobby in a few years time when my children do their own thing. X

Microwavemeal41 · 21/07/2013 12:44

Hiya theendishere
Youre not on your own. I too have recently moved into my own place after separating from my partner after 8 years. We have 2 children together aged 3 and 1 that he is refusing to see so they are with me all the time. I'm not working so finding things to do every day is hard. Alot of the time we spend the day in pyjamas. Ive not got many people I can ask to babysit and tbh I dont like to ask for help. Ive contemplated getting back together with my xp just because being on my own 24/7 with the kids is so lonely x

Original poster

theendishere · 21/07/2013 22:26

Thanks for both your replies. The loneliness is horrible isn't it. It affects life on every level - a sunny day and no adult to chat to, child's achievement at school - no one to share it with, something funny happens - no one to tell, not feeling well, no one to look after you,or even just make you a drink, the list goes on....

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FramboiseCoulis · 26/07/2013 10:32

Hi
I completely sympathise with you and as of today, am in the same boat. I actually start living in my apartment today which I now find myself half dreading, half looking forward to. My DD comes back from holiday with her dad on Sunday. I have done everything possible to make it welcoming and homely as it's a big move for her, from a lovely house with garden, to a tiny flat on a main road. The last two weeks have been fraught with loneliness for me too while i've been trying to sort all this out. and now I realise this is the foreseeable. Like other posters, I need to kick-start my life, get myself moving and do things. But everywhere I look are couples, families, people having fun. God this is turning into a miserable post, I'm sorry! Just wanted you to know tht you are not alone and i'm sure things will get better. We just have to give it time.x

Original poster

theendishere · 27/07/2013 18:51

Thanks FC. It's hard isn't it. I'm the same - gone from a big detached house, to a small flat and no garden. feel guily for depriving ds of a garden especially in this weather

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Cristiane · 27/07/2013 18:57

Hello. You are not alone. I have my DDs all the time too, they are only 7 and 4 though, so different for me

I think the golf sounds good

How are your children after the separation?

Cristiane · 27/07/2013 18:58

God sorry I got confused with another poster

LegoLegoEverywhere · 27/07/2013 20:22

I'm recently seperated after a year living with H knowing he was cheating on me. He's currently playing happy families with his mistress (who left her kids and h). I don't get much time for me as he doesn't have dcs overnight yet he's had them today and I've missed them terribly!

Mine wasn't the supportive type so I wouldnt get tea/drinks made for me but I do miss chatting about the small stuff. Actually I think I used to chat and he ignored me!

I have no regrets about splitting with him but I think I'm still adjusting and processing how bad things were. I'm not ready for a new relationship, I just need to get used to my situation.

Does this stage pass?

Joy5 · 28/07/2013 20:29

I'm in the same situation, felt i had a happy social life when i was married, but now i've been single for so long, realised my social life was mostly coffee/lunch sort of things. I'm in my late 40s too, its hard trying to build a new social life when everyone else seems to be in a relationship.

Ex is also playing happy families with his new partner, hurts twice as much as our eldest son died nearly five years ago. Feels like he left a grieving family to go and live with a new family with no grief or two younger sons who are still struggling with the fact their brother died.

Impressed you've tried dating sites theendishere, not been brave enough to try them yet. Think i'm too scared to try in case i'm let down, and have absolutely no idea of how to date or see anyone else.

Like legologoeverywhere i'd like to know too, does this stage pass?

FramboiseCoulis · 28/07/2013 22:16

God I hope this stage does pass. I also miss the little things, having someone to share my day with.

friendlymum67 · 28/07/2013 22:22

Empathise with all of you on this thread - I have been 'moaning' on another thread that I started, regarding similar feelings. I've been on my own 9 years and cope pretty well most of the time, but at the moment struggling.

for all us single/lone parents x

Original poster

theendishere · 28/07/2013 22:27

So sorry to hear about your situation Joy.
I find I feel happier when with happy positive people who understand or at least try to understand what I've been through. I've certainly found out who my true friends are going through this...
Added to my divorce, my mother (who i have a slightly uncomfortable relationship with)also doesn't have long left to live and awful as it sounds, talking and spending time with her drags me further down. She clearly has no nderstanding of what I've been through - the assumption seems to be that all is fine now as i'm no longer with my ex

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Original poster

theendishere · 28/07/2013 22:28

Thanks friendlymum :)
I wish I could find a single parents social group or support group but can't find anything locally

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Couragedoesntroar · 05/08/2013 19:21

It does pass, honestly. I thought it would never pass and I felt my life was over. But two years down the line and I am so grateful to start to feel the future unfold. It's uncertain but I feel a joy that I have a second chance at life. The bleakness of being alone and single parent after separation is profound. Take it one step at a time, put one foot in front of another and there will be better times.

Icangetthruthis · 21/08/2013 18:17

I got some great insight from a friend who has been through this. She said after a few months of depression and wanting to hide in a dark room, she realized 2 things:
1- she was missing things about her ex that he didn't actually do for her-in other words, we put on rose-colored glasses about our marraige when the loneliness kicks in.
and 2 - that just because you are "alone" now, often we have actually been more lonely while we were still married

Those have helped me a lot. It is still so hard but concentrate on the little (and big) annoyances that we no longer have to deal with! Just living for ourselves, though scary, will become easier & better every day.

MOSagain · 25/08/2013 12:40

It does get easier. I went through this over 10 years ago and sadly about to go through it again.

There is a period at first when it is really hard and you will feel scared and lonely but this will pass. Lean on your friends and family for support.

I've lived with the knowledge of my 'D'Hs adultery for over a year now and can't do it anymore and am just counting the weeks until he moves out (we agreed once kids back at school). It will be hard but I long for my space and peace with no shouting. It will be hard on the kids but we will all be happier in the longterm

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