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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

shared care

12 replies

makeminemango · 30/05/2013 08:43

I am in the midst of a divorce, currently trying to work it out via meditation. The background is that we are still living under the same roof of our 2 bed London flat and its far from amicable. I petitioned on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He has suggested a 50:50 shared care arrangement with our DS 5 and DD 3. I run my own business with home as my office to allow for flexible hours, and have worked part time 3 or 4 days a week since the kids were born. In contrast, he works long hours typically out of the house for 12 hours each day. I know that he can start with shared care and that the kids need to see him too but I don't know how this can be practical? I am scared and freaking out as he is very persuasive, controlling and would lie if he had to. Any advice and /or hand holding appreciated!

OP posts:

Mosman · 30/05/2013 10:12

I would bloody let him have it tbh. You know he'll be asking you to save his ass with childcare and then you can invoice him accordingly.
But that comes from seeing friends cling to the kids following a break up and in the long run it does them no good at all they continue to damage their career opportunities that would normally be about to improve with the children's ages.

jenny99 · 30/05/2013 18:51

mine has suggested this week one week on, one week off :(
I've been a sahm for 15 years. He leaves at 6am and gets home at 9pm. He says he will be home for 4pm now when he has them.

It is a punch in the stomach that all the years I've wanted to have more time with him, he wouldn't, and now he will for the kids.
I want what is best for the kids. So shared as much as possible really is best, but I don't see how a week on/week off can work - and the thought of not seeing them for a week is devastating. I want to divorce him, not the kids.

ladymuckbeth · 30/05/2013 22:29

I don't agree that a week on, week off, is best for the kids. Says who? Not if that's not what they've been used to. This is about them, not the feelings of the husband. Frankly to think that anyone would want to spend their lives living out of a suitcase is unbelievable.

Original poster

makeminemango · 30/05/2013 22:29

Jenny99 I really feel for you. I would feel sick without my kids every other week. But I've been told that I can't fight it, it's the laws starting point, and that I will just have to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong for him. It just feels like the kids are getting missed in all of this. But keep your cool, I've also been warned not to show your distress within the legal arena as it can go against you. Hang in there.

OP posts:

ladymuckbeth · 30/05/2013 22:46

This is NOT what I have been told in a situation where one person has been the primary carer. The courts are very motivated to keep to the status quo for the children. This is NOT about the father getting what he wants but what is right for the children.

jenny99 · 30/05/2013 22:58

makeminemango what arrangements has yours proposed?

Trouble for me is, my husband has told my children that all he has ever done is work long hours to provide for them and that now he wants to spend more time with them. They feel sad for him.

To them, to have as much time with him as possible is fair. Even to me, it seems fair. They are his too.

I don't think week on/week off can work but there must be some other arrangement where he still sees them an awful lot of the time.

Whichever way I look at it he wins.

I am around them 100% of the time they arent at school currently during the week. I will now only have 50%. Whereas he goes from seeing them something like 20% of their time midweek, to 50%). Yes, it is good for them essentially. But it makes me so sad.

What do you mean when you say don't show distress within legal arena? So if he is calm and says week on week off I shouldn't show my distress at not seeing them for a week when I have been a sahm with them their entire lives whilst he was at work?

He is used to not seeing them. I am not :(

Mosman · 31/05/2013 00:51

Basically no body cares about your distress. I'd try and come up with something like every other weekend and an over night during the week. That's enough to start with and see how he gets on, you want to keep this out of court if possible so suggest that as an initial trial period.

Mosman · 31/05/2013 00:54

We are going to do three days with me one week and then four days the next, making sure we always both get one weekend day each.
We are also going to try and keep the family home and for us to move around but the kids stay in one place.

ladymuckbeth · 31/05/2013 07:19

There's a world of difference between EOW plus a midweek night and spending one week on, one week off with each parent.

jenny - you have my sympathies. When we separated, my (previously high earning, workaholic) husband said that he wanted 50:50 shared residency, despite having been quite a hands off parent. He is adamant this is what's best for the children. I'm afraid to say that I think in our case this is as much about his ego as it is anything else.

Whilst I think it's hugely important the DC have a full and involved life with him, I also think (from personal experience for a start - my 13 yr old brother did alternative weeks with my divorcing parents and it destroyed him... he felt like a permanent peacekeeper. He put on tons of weight and stopped going out; his friends never knew where he was) it is NOT good for children to be permanently shifting between two bases. Would you as an adult want to do it, and see it as a workable solution? No, me neither.

Just because this is what your H has suggested, doesn't mean you have to accept it as what is best. And whilst the court isn't interested in wailing wives who think wailing is a good substitute for a sensible argument which focuses on the children, I don't think you should feel frightened of your feelings coming through. We're none of us robots and this is high emotion stuff!

Original poster

makeminemango · 31/05/2013 09:08

Jenny99- we have not got around to talking of actual days yet. He had just asked for the kids 3 days a week. We are at the lovely stage of wrangling over the house where he has stated that I'm a tenant with only 10% interest in the house as opposed to joint ownership. The house will probably sell. I think the idea of having a trial of one base for the kids, then one night/day during the week, plus every other weekend could work. It's just hard to negotiate with such a controlling, deluded man.

OP posts:

jenny99 · 31/05/2013 10:10

My solicitor says she thinks we will end up with EOW and either 1 or 2 nights a week with 'stbxh' depending on whose weekend it is. It is just so hard and at the moment the kids see me as the bad one. I have wanted to move for about 10 yrs so he is adamant he is staying put. It isn't the size of the house it is the location. I would like to be nearer school. He doesn't do the school runs. Never has, so it doesn't bother him. He is staying there so for the kids although I will be hopefully within a short cycle distance of school, it isn't 'home'. It's hard.
It is comforting yet unfortunate to know others are feeling similarly to me...

STIDW · 31/05/2013 19:49

But I've been told that I can't fight it, it's the laws starting point,

Who ever said that is mistaken. The government is introducing measures in 2014 to ensure that where possible parents work together on shared parenting. However that doesn't mean an equal (50:50) division of time.

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