Is it normal for exHs to offer the absolute minimum as a first financial offer?

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

Although my STBEX H had an affair and left when I found out, up until that point I'd have said he was a good father to our 3 DSs. I've just received his financial settlement offer. Maintenance is the bare minimum that the CSA demand. Up until 18 or until they leave education, whichever comes first. In two of our DSs cases, that will be within a month of them starting the upper sixth. So almost a year before they will leave school.

Both my exH and myself are degree educated and I cannot believe that he truly wants to make it difficult for his DSs to get their A levels.

I gave up my career when our DSs were born, by agreement with exH. He continued his career and is pretty well off. I work as a TA in a school, part time so that I can be there for the DC. DS2 is autistic so I can only work school hours if I am to adequately support him. ExH has offered the princely sum of £1 a year spousal maintenance. He earns nearly 10 x as much as I do.

I think I'm asking, is this likely to be what he really wants to do or is this normal for his solicitors to advise him to start with the bare minimum. However badly he behaved over his affair, I did really think he was still a pretty decent guy underneath, but now I'm in tears and feeling he has no compassion at all.

Chip - why are you guilty you have modelled to your DC a valuable role. I don't believe this 'sacrifice' thing its bollocks really. There is NO evidence that SAHM is better for kids SN or otherwise.
EllenJane - I wasn't suggesting you doo exactly what my sister did just have a creative/positive mind set. Your DS will not benefit from your current attitude.

Ellen I suspect you are right!

Anyway sorry to hijack I will ignore and let the sensible discussion carry on.

How are you feeling today anyway?

lorcana - what, the attitude of wanting to put a vulnerable child first? - A child with a condition that makes change very distressing and exceptionally difficult to cope with?

Your lack of compassion is astounding.

(Sorry OP, don't mean to tread on toes wrt your DC with SN, but am at lorcana)

SN children are not beings from out of space with totally differing needs to other DC .... Her SN child will benefit from his mother being financially and emotionally independent.

I'm following this with amusement. It would be interesting to hear what lorcana's sister thinks of his rantings, if she had seen them.

Anyway, I'm feeling much more positive today. It helps to get it down in writing and nearly all responses are helpful. I need to see other points of view. I've spoken to my solicitor and he feels there's room for negotiation. Am seeing him Friday.

My mother is ill ATM, so worrying about her is giving me some perspective.

Ok lorcana I get it. Your grasp of the value of money is so much more detailed than your understanding of ASD.

I'm out of here - OP, good luck with everything. Good idea to hang on to your sense of humour! Hope your mum is better soon.

Sorry to hear about your Mums illness, never rains eh?

Glad you are feeling more positive, there'll be good days & bad days so don't worry if you have to have a real rant now & then!

A good SOH is vital,and you will have it tested on many occasions, not least on here with plonkers posting rubbish in many ways.

Good luck at the solicitors on Friday.

Evidence, shmedivence. Knowing my sons as I do, I feel that ds1 in particular, who has issues with auditory processing and finds a classroom setting difficult, I know that one-on-one attention at homework time would have been better. I do hope I am raising my boys not to freeload off women for childcare and housework and then do a bunk.

Well said chipmonkey

Chipmonkey, come and visit the SN children board, it's my second home! Watch out for dolfrog!

Mum has been admitted to hospital. Really has been a crap few days. STBEX H has actually offered to have the boys so I can visit. Looks like she's had a TIA, (mini stroke warning thingy.) She's 50 miles away from me but my sister is nearby. Stable at the moment, on a drip and feeling a bit better. Bit off topic.

Don't worry about off-topic, if you need to, post!

Hope your mum recovers soon, theycan do wonders with TIA's these days if caught in time which it sounds like they have.

At least Ex has stood up to the plate for this, go if it would ease your mind?

I'm going tomorrow evening and ex H will have the boys overnight. My sister is there ATM. Hate asking for 'favours' but I'd do the same for him, of course.

Yes i think a truce can be called in these situations

Ellen, my current second home is Bereavement as my little dd died in October.. SN's could be my third home. .

Sorry to hear about your Mum, you have an awful lot on your plate at the moment.

Oh, chip, I'm sorry. I hope you find MN as good a source of support as I do.

Mum's been admitted and had a CT and a chest X-ray and is on a drip. My sister says she's brighter than she's been for a week.

Hi op, I was in a similar position to you, with similar sn needs going on, and ended up keeping the house, car, decent spousal maintenance and generous child maintenance. I've got a full time job and get working tax credit on top as its not affected by maintenance.

Financially, things are fine but bloody hell, it's hard going and the dc's and I are exhausted by the end of the week. Me working has had such an impact on them that I'm reducing my hours in a few weeks. I consider myself incredibly lucky that I'm able to, and have this choice because of the settlement I got.

Negotiate the best possible settlement at this stage. I got the best lawyer I could find, on recommendation. My ex earns a six figure salary but I supported him by doing absolutely everything at home and for the children for several years. I now earn half of my pre-Dc earnings and maintenance is vital.

Hope things go well for you, if I can help, please pm me.