Is it normal for exHs to offer the absolute minimum as a first financial offer?

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

Although my STBEX H had an affair and left when I found out, up until that point I'd have said he was a good father to our 3 DSs. I've just received his financial settlement offer. Maintenance is the bare minimum that the CSA demand. Up until 18 or until they leave education, whichever comes first. In two of our DSs cases, that will be within a month of them starting the upper sixth. So almost a year before they will leave school.

Both my exH and myself are degree educated and I cannot believe that he truly wants to make it difficult for his DSs to get their A levels.

I gave up my career when our DSs were born, by agreement with exH. He continued his career and is pretty well off. I work as a TA in a school, part time so that I can be there for the DC. DS2 is autistic so I can only work school hours if I am to adequately support him. ExH has offered the princely sum of £1 a year spousal maintenance. He earns nearly 10 x as much as I do.

I think I'm asking, is this likely to be what he really wants to do or is this normal for his solicitors to advise him to start with the bare minimum. However badly he behaved over his affair, I did really think he was still a pretty decent guy underneath, but now I'm in tears and feeling he has no compassion at all.

A few good friends, family are far away, unfortunately, and have their own problems. Friends don't have any experience, I seem to be the first one to go through this. Shame, I could have done with someone to share 'his' weekends with. Thank God for MN!

You are a sad example of what so often happens when women give up their careers and become stay at home parents. Why don't you seriously look at your earning power now - if you are a TA could you not retrain as a teacher ? Just because one of your children has a SN does not mean you cannot do it or at least try and problem solve along the way. SN child could go to after school provision too or maybe dad ? Tbh he and you have moved on from each other , things should be divided fairly and he should contribute proportionally toward his kids - but why should he 'keep' you ? If you are able bodied adult you should keep yourself and suck up the past mistake of choosing ( because that is what you did - why didn't you both work part time or he look after SN kid ? ) To be SAHM.

lorcana that's a bit harsh!

The OP made the choice of being a SAHM thinking she had the support of he husband so she could look after THEIR children.

He should contribute proportionately yes but we all know how men often gtry and wriggle out of financial commiments to their kids.

Are you really saying it was my fault I became a SAHM, my exH should have become a SAHD? When I made that decision I was going to be with my H forever. My job with the DC was, if anything, more important than his. I find it amazing that you really think he doesn't 'owe' me anything for our choice for me to give up work to look after our DC. You know nothing about my DS2's abilities. How easy do you think it is to find after school clubs for autistic DC? How easy do you think being a NQT is? It's not 9-3, you know.

I think maybe you have to look at your own life and bitterness before judging me so harshly.

Ellen, I have just read both your threads. It is truely horrible isnt it? I have yet to embark on this although know stbx is sorting out the information at least. Due to the extremely accrimonious nature of my divorce there is no discussions between us at all. I can see that this makes it horrendously expensive but at least it is saving me from some of the emotional grief of being offered a pittance directly by him.

Having read your threads I shall now steel myself for what is about to come. I totally sympathise with you about the Uni thing and my stbx does this I will most certainly cry even though I will be expecting it.

It is all such a waste of time, money and emotional energy that could be more wisely spent by us moving on into a new phase of our lives.

Anniemac, thanks for coming out with the truth in a sympathetic way. Spring, maybe expect the worst, you won't be disappointed, at least.

Oh & having re-read your post, don't dimiss the pension-share portion. I was when I saw how much my DH's pot was.

It is worth hanging on to that, I nearly gave up my claim to it while trying to bargain with my Ex, my lovely solicitor sat me down and told me I was mad to consider it! :)

I get spousal maintenance but that is completely seperate from CSA payments, ex has a protected income of a certain amount but he has to pay me spousal maintenance till my youngest daughter turns 16 or I remarry or die whichever comes first, I also seperately get CSA payments, these have no bearing on the spousal maintenance.

There was no savings or pensions ot consider in my case.

You need to speak with your solicitors. Keep wording of documents very reasonable and amicable but I would not stand for that offer.

lorcana the OP has posted here for support and advice on her specific situation. There are plenty of SAHM-bashing threads elsewhere on MN at the moment, go and pick one of those to spout your vitriol on.

Ellen - I really feel for you. I have no advice, except to speak to your solicitor asap

Annie that is so true, and of course the OW will be in his ear about not giving away 'their' money...

fuzzywuzzy not many exes agree to that, you are very lucky.

I get a set amount for the DD's & nothing for me even though I should do but compared ot some on here who get nothing I am fortunate.

I consider the payments to be for the children & I look after myself.

No apologies necessary, anniemac. It's hard getting my head around my 'reduced circumstances.' But I'm getting there. I will have to go in high, then and play this ridiculous haggling game. I won't be forgetting pension provision, either. Thanks, everyone for your advice and support. Even lorcana, he / she helps me realise what may be on exH's mind.

It's very difficult to deal with the emotions of a beak up - and a betrayal in this case - simultaneously with the financial settlement.

Can you get some counselling to help you with things?

I agree that you need a new financial plan for the future including income for now and a pension for later. Don't rule anything out about changing career/job at this stage. Be strong and look out for your own and your children's future interests. Try not to be coloured in your views and decisions by the rights and wrongs of your ex's actions in the past. It's over now and you are where you are - concentrate on building the future for yourself and your dc. You get to make the decisions on your own going forward and that can be a very good thing.

Bossy ex didn't agree to it, the courts decided for him, I've just been to court to obtain an enforcement order on the judgement which thankfully I got. ex has never ever been reasonable and I never budget accordign to what he should be paying us, anything I get is a surprise to be honest!

Ex H has been reasonable up until now with continuing to fund the joint account. Which is one of the reasons I'm so shocked by this offer, it's half of what he's been paying in so far. Hopefully that means there is plenty of room for negotiation.

Was not 'SAHM bashing' - it is just that a choice made by OP and her ex now has significant repercussions to her now. Others should avoid such a choice imo - as more than 1 in 3 marriages fail so the odds are pretty bad that your source of financial support will be cut off and you will be in same position as OP.
OP som LAs offer financial support/sponsorship to TAs wanting to do PGCE ... Why can't DC with SN be looked after out of school ? Tell ex your plan to retrain and ask him to participate in doing/finding/funding childcare.
My sister was in similar position with 5 young DCs one with SN - she retrained as a lawyer and now earns much more than her ex

If your ex has staying contact you wiLl have that child free
Time to study etc - just sayng instead of feeling you are hard done by and can't be dependent on a man for the rest of your life look on it as a second chance ? Many have done so.

Thank you Lorcana. Your DSis was very lucky to get an after school club staffed with people trained to support those with SN. There is no such club in my LA. My DS is autistic and very, very routine bound. He is supported 1:1 in MS full time. School holidays are difficult for him.

I am 47, can you blame me for not being delighted at the prospect of retraining in a very demanding job such as teaching? Competing in a difficult job market with energetic youngsters less than half my age? As a TA I have a new found respect for teachers.

Yes, in retrospect our choice to have me SAH wasn't very wise, but the 3:1 statistic was never going to apply to me! Also, I wasn't expecting DS2 to have SN. My plans to return to work when the kids started school took a different course. I did return when DS3 was in reception, but I am my DS2's carer as well as his parent

TBH, DS2 struggles with stays with his F. Home life looking after DS leaves little time for study. He is currently holding my hair as I type.

I have seen deals where you get increased maintainance while you retrain / restablish your career (in effect as recompense for what you gave up during the marriage when you thought you were a team and so thought it was ok to forgo your career). Then after x years in which you reestablish yourself, you then have tapered or token spousal maintenance. Your solicitor would be able to advise you as it all depends on your age etc. I think 5 years is quite a common number, and that is what I would negotiate for. You can also make a specific deal in respect of your son with special needs, separate to what is agreed for the other two children. If you are very specific with reasons for what you are wanting and a plan for going forward, it will make your case more convincing, and also make it easier for your solicitor to argue for you. I see nothing wrong morally with him helping you to become independent financially, given you gave up work and your career for your JOINT children.

Some fathers do agree to provide a level of support if the child goes to university. You can only ask - after all they are his children too - and if he chooses not to encourage them into further education, then they will think badly of him. I presume he wants to keep contact! (My friend's father behaved like an arse - his children have written him off as a waste of space.)

Also bear in mind that the OW will not want his income going to his first family. Sad fact of life .......so the offer may also reflect him pleasing her, as well as being a negotiating tool.

Good luck creating your new life - and at least you have 3 lovely DSs out of the marriage.

lorcana, way to go kicking someone when they're down! Ellen was clearly doing what was best for her dc.The best place for a child with autism is with his Mum. And if her H was the higher earner, then it obviously made sense for him to continue working FT. And I don't know what planet you live on but at our school gates there is ONE SAHD and I don't know any fathers who work PT. And childcare for a child with autism is very, very hard to find and very, very expensive.