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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is it normal for exHs to offer the absolute minimum as a first financial offer?

91 replies

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 12/02/2012 08:26

Although my STBEX H had an affair and left when I found out, up until that point I'd have said he was a good father to our 3 DSs. I've just received his financial settlement offer. Maintenance is the bare minimum that the CSA demand. Up until 18 or until they leave education, whichever comes first. In two of our DSs cases, that will be within a month of them starting the upper sixth. So almost a year before they will leave school.

Both my exH and myself are degree educated and I cannot believe that he truly wants to make it difficult for his DSs to get their A levels.

I gave up my career when our DSs were born, by agreement with exH. He continued his career and is pretty well off. I work as a TA in a school, part time so that I can be there for the DC. DS2 is autistic so I can only work school hours if I am to adequately support him. ExH has offered the princely sum of £1 a year spousal maintenance. He earns nearly 10 x as much as I do.

I think I'm asking, is this likely to be what he really wants to do or is this normal for his solicitors to advise him to start with the bare minimum. However badly he behaved over his affair, I did really think he was still a pretty decent guy underneath, but now I'm in tears and feeling he has no compassion at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 12/02/2012 12:52

I'll be talking to my solicitor soon and I'll update if appropriate. STBex H does know my nickname.

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 12/02/2012 12:56

Thank chipmonkey. I think lorcana's advice was pretty general stuff and she/he hadn't thought hard about my particular situation. Though, TBF, the decision to be a SAHM isn't very good for me ATM, but it was the right thing at the time and the best thing for my DC. I don't regret it.

OP posts:
lorcana · 12/02/2012 23:07

EllenJane my sister was also 47 - she persuaded a small private school ( non academic ) to take 5 year old DS with SN and that included all wrap around care. Other DCs all went to local primary with breakfast and after school clubs. Her SN child didn't particularly love being with his dad but it was ok enough - he had them every other weekend and on alternate weeks on wednesday night. She didn't care about other law trainees being half her age so why should you - she was snapped up for atraining contract and lots of them didn't get one. She only paid £800 a term ( half fees ) for SN child and they had him 8-6.30 every weekday. Point is she was determined and just problem solved her way along - her SN child just had to adapt and he did - she realised she had been wrapping him in cotton wool and using him and his sisters as an excuse. In the end he was her biggest motivating factor. Don't throw the towel in before you've begun - and do you REALLY need sympathy ...

ASByatt · 12/02/2012 23:19

lorcana from your sample size of 1 it's great that you've exptrapolated this to solve all of OP's issues for her.

lorcana · 12/02/2012 23:41

No I haven't - but what's the matter with giving AN example of someone who didn't sit around boo hooing and trying to freeload off someone who doesn't want to be with her anymore.

gettingeasier · 13/02/2012 09:32

Lorcana that last post is unpleasant

OP I remember the first phone conversation xh and I had about sorting out a deal ( we agreed to try and reach an agreement between ourselves) and he came out with some nasty remarks about me not having worked for years etc and it felt like a body blow because of the total lack of respect of all that I had put into our family. I completely understand how shocked and winded you would feel by his offer because at this stage it sounds like you still have emotion tied up in this iyswim. In my case after the first few weeks I hardened up , someone posted on here something like "Marriage is about romance and divorce is pure business". This struck a chord with me and allowed me to distance myself from his jibes and attempts to reduce what he wanted to pay in maintenance.

We ended up doing what a poster upthread said in that he is paying me good spousal maintenance for 3 years as that was deemed sufficient time for me to retrain or get a decent job and after that it reduces considerably.

The reality so far is I have found a FT job earning NMW and I do wonder in this market how easy it will be to improve on that at 46 years old with 15 years as a SAHM. I too thought I would be married forever and it was always a joint decision as xh is a high earner. Occasionally I have thought do I regret my choice now things have changed but actually I am still soooo grateful I had my time with my DC.

I am 2 years on from him leaving for his OW and have moved house etc etc. Once you have got through all that kind of stuff you will be able to think more about your career and your long term future - retraining etc. In the meantime dont be hard on yourself for feeling so upset at your xhs attitude and know that there are parts of the divorce stuff which recognise SAHM contribution - hopefully you will hear all this from your solicitor.

I really feel for you and reading this thread has made me grateful all that is behind me, it will be for you to so hang in there

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 13/02/2012 10:03

Thank you, gettingeasier. I like your nickname. Smile I am beginning to realise that the £1 a year spousal maintenance is actually him leaving the door open for negotiation and that he's missed out/failed to declare some of his assets, so more room for negotiation. Seeing the solicitor on Friday and feeling more hopeful. Coming to terms with the fact I'll have to try to get more hours at work, but still don't want a demanding job!

Definitely had a wobble this weekend, but I'm in a better position than many, I suppose. Beginning to feel a bit jealous of the OW for the first time. She's going to have my nice, secure, middle class life, now and I'm going to be struggling for money. Still wouldn't swap with her, though. I'm well rid of ex H and I still have the moral high ground, despite what lorcana would like to think! Grin

OP posts:
lorcana · 13/02/2012 10:07

You don't want a demanding job...... That says it all.

Bossybritches22 · 13/02/2012 10:22

lorcana can I say bluntly just fuck right off if you have nothing constructive to offer?

Whatever your bitter & twisted thoughts on the matter it is hardly a life style choice the OP is making here but an attempt to sort out the pile of shite she has been left with because her "D"H couldn't keep it in his trousers!

It is unfair to come on here making barbed comments that have no point other than kick a woman while she is down.

lorcana · 13/02/2012 10:43

That's right blame it all on the man and encourage the OP into the martyred woman role - that will really help. I have offered advice but just because it doesn't absolve the OP of all responsability for past, present and future the you hurl abuse at me. OP please don't adopt 'injjured party' role despite the massive encouragement you are gettinh here. Women can and do stand on their own feet financially but you WILL have to work hard in a demanding job if you want to make a success of it. Ignore all the naysayer who probably think your best option is milking one man dry and the finding another so you can have comfortable middle class SAHM existence. Just don't do it.

ASByatt · 13/02/2012 10:56

lorcana - what, so the OP should think that it's her fault that her DH shat on their family/relationaship, then????? Are you trying to be deliberately unpleasant?

OP has had her world turned upside down by the person who she should have been able to place the most trust in. You (lorcana) seem to be obsessing about her getting into a demanding work situation asap - your sister managed it, well bully for her, but everyone's situation is different so please stop presuming to tell her what to do (this is how your posts are coming over to me).

FWIW I know that a child with ASD would not be able to find suitable after school clubs etc where I live - that's not an excuse, it's a fact, rightly or wrongly.

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 13/02/2012 11:41

Ha ha ha, lorcana, you are actually quite funny. As I said before, look at your own life and think why you are so bitter. My 'D' H had a 6 month affair and only left me once I found out about it. You aren't upsetting me at all, you are so obviously bitter and twisted that even though some of your points may be interesting, your tone and language manage to make sure no-one takes you seriously.

FWIW, I would never have had an affair or left my H, marriage should be for keeps, I would have tried to have worked through any problems. My STBEX H never once complained that he was unhappy, he never gave me a chance, he just embarked on an affair with a work colleague who had just left her 3rd H. I feel no guilt whatsoever. My STBEX is a dick. Sorry if you feel shat upon by your relationship issues. Can you understand that I feel that, too?

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 13/02/2012 11:43

lorcana, did your sister's dc have autism?

lorcana · 13/02/2012 11:45

It is partly her fault through choosing to be dependent on a man when 30%+ marriages fail ( and more second marriages so she needs to avoid that pitfall again ) - so instead of encouraging her to assume a victim's role ( also we only know what OP tells us and is necessarily only one side of the relationship story - just saying , but hey ). Whereas a lot of these posts are basically saying 'take the fucker to the cleaners ' , the usual demonising men trick. OP needs to know she has options - not everyone who posts on here HAS to give the 'poor poor you ' approach - why can't I give a different perspective it's a public forum ? She needs to wake up and smell the coffee or are we just allowed to hand round the tissues and blub with her ??

lorcana · 13/02/2012 11:48

No not autism. He has DS. He is demanding and has communication problems and has had two open heart surgeries as well as ALL treatment - so tes it has been hard. Why are we competing with disabilities ?

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 13/02/2012 11:49

So calling me a liar, now? You are a delightful man, you know.

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 13/02/2012 11:50

No, not going to pay disability top trumps. My DS is challenging but delightful.

OP posts:
lorcana · 13/02/2012 11:51

It is partly her fault through choosing to be dependent on a man when 30%+ marriages fail ( and more second marriages so she needs to avoid that pitfall again ) - so instead of encouraging her to assume a victim's role ( also we only know what OP tells us and is necessarily only one side of the relationship story - just saying , but hey ). Whereas a lot of these posts are basically saying 'take the fucker to the cleaners ' , the usual demonising men trick. OP needs to know she has options - not everyone who posts on here HAS to give the 'poor poor you ' approach - why can't I give a different perspective it's a public forum ? She needs to wake up and smell the coffee or are we just allowed to hand round the tissues and blub with her ??

chipmonkey · 13/02/2012 12:00

Not at all playing top trumps. BUT rightly or wrongly, some disablities are catered better for. Over the years, in the nurseries my children have attended, there have been several children with down syndrome. There was also in one nursery a child with severe cerebral palsy. With autism, it's much more difficult, due to the nature of the condition. You will get a school place but wrap around care is hard to come by.

lorcana · 13/02/2012 12:10

That's opinion - my DN is very demanding behaviourally - the small private school has really helPed because of small nurturing familiar environment - OP could try something similar ... An idea that isn't in the ' can't do anything --i'm doomed ' camp.

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 13/02/2012 12:19

My DS is doing well in state MS with full time 1:1. Why on earth would I move him from somewhere he is doing well and is happy to a private school? Just for my convenience? Sorry, mate, but his needs come before mine.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 13/02/2012 12:20

But it's not easy. Perhaps your sister was also incredibly lucky. That kind of childcare is rare.
And.. I am probably the "sensible" sort according to your opinion. I have always worked fulltime and at the back of my head have always been nervous of quitting my job, partly in case dh did a bunk.
But he has never done a bunk and after 24 years he probably won't and I am fairly certain that my kids, two of whom have mild SN could have done with me more at home and would possibly be doing better in school than they are doing. So at least Ellen doesn't have that guilt.
And if one person has sacrificed their career for the family, it's only right that the person whose career was uninterrupted should compensate financially. If she had gone out to work, his career would probably have suffered.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2012 12:24

Lorcana, did you mean to come across as rude, judgemental and superior?

Bossybritches22 · 13/02/2012 12:27

FFS It is partly her fault through choosing to be dependent on a man when 30%+ marriages fail

What a sad and bitter dickhead you really are lorcana if you go into a marriage with that attitude it would become a self fulfilling prophecy!

We are trying to support the OP in making choices at a difficult time in her life (throught NO fault of her own ) given the situation that has been dumped on her.

And FWIW I would be saying EXACTLY the same to the OP if she had been dumped by her female partner. This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with a loving partner being treated shabbily without a chance to work on an unhappy marriage .

Just ignore him OP he'll go and spread his virtriol somewhere else.

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 13/02/2012 12:30

I think, in his words, someone he doesn't want to be with is boo hooing and 'freeloading' off him! Grin Just reading between the lines, perhaps I'm wrong...

OP posts: