Letter to the OW

[Whata]

What would you like to write in a letter to the OW?

My Ex is 2 yrs down the line since I found out, OW has not left her DP, and the threat of her becoming my DCs step, stops me actually opening my mouth and saying what I actually want to say?

If you lurk in the step forum, you will find no one ever admits to being the original OW and the step children are all brought up badly and not in the perfect, correct way the new woman would, they are not part of the new family and really only tolerated?

So for those of you are in the same position as me, what would you say /do, if you were given ten minutes in a room with the OW?

There's a 'letter to the OW' in yesterday's Guardian Family section
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/01/letter-to-the-other-woman
Is this what you want to say?!

I wouldn't waste my time and energy on such an excuse of a woman. She wouldn't care anyway even if she did bother to read the letter.

Rather than do it, perhaps here is a good place to let it all out? Yup I've lurked on step-parenting thread and sometimes what to throw tantrums cos some of them can be so self-righteous.
Think doing the confrontation only bonds the relationship more strongly. But would be lovely and cathartic to hear some virtual thoughts.

Whilst I like the letter I'm with Scape Goat in that I won't waste my time on such a piece of filth.

The fact that people choose to be with partners that aren't free shows that they've got no moral fibre.
They're hardly likely to recognise themselves in writing.

As far as I'm concerned xh's ow will never be my DD's step-parent, she's an inappropriate adult and is not fit to parent my child.

Writing the letter would give her the self satisfaction of knowing she'd won. She may have gotten the man - but she's not beaten you. She'll learn the hard way and the long way - when she's old and wrinkled, he's letting her down this time and no-one else will have her, but you've moved on young and youthful enough to find life and love all over again.

That's when the letter would be worth writing. But not now - when you'd be opening your soul to the one person who wouldn't give a shit.

erm, not all posters posting in step parenting bitch about their SDC's mums or say they do a shit job. where did you get idea from? have you been in the step parenting topic at all?

"If you lurk in the step forum, you will find no one ever admits to being the original OW and the step children are all brought up badly and not in the perfect, correct way the new woman would, they are not part of the new family and really only tolerated?"

or maybe the ladies in Step-parenting werent the OW. Maybe some of the children were bought up badly. Maybe the DSCs are part of the family, in fact maybe the DSCs are loved and cherished and treated wonderfully.

Or maybe the OP just wanted another £25 for her article.

and that letter in the guardian is a fecking joke. no blame at all in that letter given to the person that actually made the legal and emotional commitment to his wife!! no, blame the single person who had made no promise to anyone.

Yes frequently frequent the step mother forum!!

There is rarely a thread where the EX is not slated for something. Few people say the EX is OK, the sanctimonious twaddle about how their discipline is better etc, bad habits, need for money etc etc etc. I acccept some EXs are unreasonable as are some New OWs.

The SDCs invariably have issues, yes they are children - they are actually the only people in the whole sorry state of affairs who have needs beyond their control, everyone else in the mess has wants that they are invariably indulging at the expense of a child and whilst they are entitled to a life aswell, someone explain that to a 4 yr old who is confronted with a cold standoffish woman who resents them being there, resents their existence, resents the money spent on them, resents that they remind them of the ex, resents the time new DP spends with them and not with the new more important family and you wonder why they play up.

My views on my EXH infidelity are mine and only open for discussion with him. My view on the little lying two face back stabbing sanctimonious little whore who has already wrecked two marriages and is now wrecking a third after worming her way in as a friend are fairly explicit. I will not resort to violence because that will ruin my and DCS life even further, but if she got beaten up, I would stand and watch, if she got arrested, it would make me even happier and if she died then there seriously would be justice in this world because no one deserves to be treated like this trumped little whore treats both men and women. I will maintain a good relationship with my EXH because that is the best for my DCs but she can preferably fester in a gonorrhoea HIV Hep C flooded hell, where she is picked up by men has her life destroyed and then they move on to the next victim.

The comment about waiting till later is very good, I sit and wait for my moment, whilst I bite my tongue and smile as she picks up my DCs and goes and plays happy families and acts like she has won.

Since I wrote my last post I've emotionally accepted that xh is actually worse than ow.
She was single he was not. Admittedly she knows us so wasn't under any illusions.
For me the realisation of this has actually calmed the waters.
I had been clinging on to some mad idea that xh had been coerced; 28 years of loving and defending don't just go away; I now know that he was an active part in all of this and whilst that truth was hard to swallow it's done me a lot of good.

I am able to see ow in a better light and have a 'let them get on with it' view now.
I can't change the past, I can't stop their relationship but I can change how I am with it.
I choose to accept it and to free myself from the burden of torturing myself with thoughts of them together.
This also breaks the remaining 'couple' bond with xh and has enabled me to view him as co-parent rather than cheating h.

It isn't painful to see him here with DD anymore.
He's just being her Dad.

ChildofIsis, I am glad you are feeling more settled. Letting it go has got to be better for you than letting it all fester and screw you up inside. You can walk away from the sorry mess with your head held high, and you can get on with your life without that horrid buring resentment eating you up inside. Your DD will see the woman you are and strive to be like you

Whata - everything I said above....but in reverse

What a load of sexist old BS.

I gave myself 5 minutes in a room alone with the OW. That was 6 months ago and I still dont regret it. I didnt plan it, it happened but I said everything I wanted to say. It came out like a script. I didnt slate her, I told her a lot about him though that he wouldnt want her to know and she wouldnt want to hear. I imagine he told her I lied but I really dont care what goes on between them. Everything I said was the truth. It was a great way of detaching. The truth hurts. I dont hold with hiding away unless it is what you really want to do. It gave me my fight back. Bollocks about staying away and keeping your dignity if thats not what you want its not dignified.

All I'd say to the OW in my dim and distant past is that I hope she is having a better life with my Ex than I did. That I hope he does not belittle her, and sulk with every small thing that he does not agree with.

But I know he does so I'm glad she now suffers instead of me. Karma!!

err... I am a step parent but was NOT the OW. I adore my dss. but tbh was not mad keen on his mum.

HOWEVER, now I am divorcing my complete shit of a husband I massively admire my DSS mum for both putting up with and leaving my dh and finding love and happiness again with he fab dh. Good on her and I hope it happens to me too

"If you lurk in the step forum, you will find no one ever admits to being the original OW and the step children are all brought up badly and not in the perfect, correct way the new woman would, they are not part of the new family and really only tolerated?"

I'm not quite sure what you mean, but there are very many very devoted stepmothers who have great relationships with their SDCs who are very much part of their family. Don't project wickedness on SMs please

Whata I wonder if you might find some counselling helpful?

If you lurk in the step forum, you will find no one ever admits to being the original OW

Funny, if you lurk on the relationships board you'll find no one ever admits there was anything wrong with their marriage until bitch/whore/innappropriate adult came along.

Actually, I think what makes 'da sisterhood' look most pathetic is when one sister blames another sister for the actions of a man.

Whata, though that's what loads of first wives do - they pour all blame on the other woman. The person who is breaching marriage vows is the husbabnd. However the first wife often still loves the husband so it's convenient to blame the one who didn't break marriage vows, the less evil of the two.

Then you have the issue of who really broke up the marriage - it might seem like the adultery but it might be a raft of other things from no or poor sex to one of you got very fat or you were both nasty to each other to all kinds of things.

I am not by the way a first wife or an other woman.

wilko

yes, as someone in a marriage that is not going so well i can tell you that no matter how much I'd hate the OW I would not, with my rational mind, think it is her fault.
I think the letter in the guardian is distastful and horrid personally. She talks about her husband as her property. Not a good premise imho. My husband is not my property, he is his own property and if we will not be together in the nearest or farthest future is because he something thinks I am his.

it is not the OW's responsibility, it is that of whom made the pact.

My Xh left for his married mistress...in the motorhome we just bought. Needless to say, the OW and I didn't get along at all... My daugther was 6 wks old at the time. For 2 yrs I dealt with this women. Then my Xh split.

His 1st wife was waiting! lolol... Then I had to deal with her... Now she was "raising" my 2 children with her "husband". She gloated at every exchange. "Now you know how it feels b@#$%!" Well....2 yrs later that didn't last either.

My Xh now split up his married neighbours... Kids just say they are "just friends" ... *rolls eyes... (yet have told me how they kids, sleep together etc..)

Whatever... his life...as much as I love him and always will.... he will never change...

As to a letter? Nope...

As for the motorhome... I did get it BACK! (my gparents co-signed for it)... However it was covered in cow sh#@... I just gutted it and made it MINE...