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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

how much do i pay my ex for him doing 50% childcare?

52 replies

MaeBee · 26/04/2011 14:39

hi there,
my expartner has finally moved out of the house we share, and is living in a flat in the same co op, just around the corner. we are trying to be amicable though it feels we explode every few days over a new matter we've not managed. i could really do with some advice cos we both feel like we're getting a raw deal and all the emotions are pretty sky high.
we have a 4 yr old son and have always gone 50/50 on childcare. my ex has never worked, and previously the deal was i paid rent and council tax out of my part time wage and he did a bit more housework as i was working 3 days a week.
now, the complication is he says we should split child benefit and split my working tax credit cos i get all my working tax credit due to having a child. i'm an absolute thickwit when it comes to maths, and our working out on the benefit checker 'entitled to' seems to come to different results. this would basically mean i pay him £70 a week for his 50% of childcare.
i'm finding it hard to separate out our raw feelings at breaking up and feeling hard done by and whats fair. this is quite terribly compounded by the fact i was hit by a car the week he was moving out and am on crutches with a really messed up leg. i'm having friends and neighbours come in and help me a little bit every day and it feels like he's not helping enough although i see him every day when we swap over with childcare. however, although he doesn't make sure there's enough food in my house to feed his child, he still has the 'housecard' to buy things for his new house. he wants to go half and half on all new things we have for either house. i would rather just do this separately cos he has more expensive tastes than me, even though i've let him take most of the stuff. i don't have a sofa anymore etc.
sorry, that turned into a whinge. i should probably add our child is managing surprisingly well seeing as this has all happened at once.
anyone been in similar?

OP posts:

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 14:54

Why should you pay him for 'childcare'????

Its his child yes?

He needs to get a job i dont usually say that

Hes taking the piss IMO

Stopthenonsense · 26/04/2011 15:00

I think the child benefit should be split, as it's for the child.

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 16:08

Is he seeing the child as a source of income?

If there are reasons why he cant work then its fair IMO for him to 'do his bit' by looking after the child while you work, but to expect some of the tax credits YOU recieve as the resident working parent is really taking the piss.

It as if you are paying him to spend time with his child

RitaMorgan · 26/04/2011 16:14

Do you get WTC and CTC? The WTC is yours surely, but you could split the child benefit and CTC.

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 16:21

none of the monies you are awarded via hmrc as a working single parent household is for anyone other than you and your child

If you want to share that with your childs father thats your choice but dont let him fool you into thinking any of it is his rightfully

Why doesnt he work and does he have any plans to get a job any time soon?

BooyHoo · 26/04/2011 16:22

sorry but it sounds like this guy is pulling the wool over your eyes!!
why on earth should you pay for half of his furniture in his new home when you have no sofa??

your WTC is yours because you work!!! if he was to work he could make a claim but he doesn't.

you make your claim for everything you are entitled to based on your current situation and he makes a claim for whatever he is entitled to and that is it. whatever he is entitled to he will get and nobody needs to hand over any money if you are both sharing care 50/50.

RitaMorgan · 26/04/2011 16:26

The issue with 50/50 childcare (I think) is that for benefits/tax credits a child can only have 1 primary carer - so even if the ex worked he couldn't claim anything for the child. So to me it does seem fair that child benefit is split, and possibly any CTC - not WTC though, as you work for that not him!

BooyHoo · 26/04/2011 16:34

ah right. yes i agree then WRT the child benefit, if it can't be paid to both parents then it should be split between them.

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 17:20

I disagree, i get your point totally re the fact that it can only be paid to one parent etc but it seems in this instance that this father is doin F all and seems only interested in the income he thinks he should be getting.

If he thinks he should be getting £70 per week i dont see him being satisfied with half of the weekly child ben £10.15

Original poster

MaeBee · 26/04/2011 17:28

hi thanks for the comments,
yeah, there are real issues with the way childcare is seen, in that only one parent is 'allowed' to be the primary carer. me and ex have shared parenting since my son was born, so i do understand he feels as someone doing 50/50 he is entitled to a regular sum.if he was the primary carer in the eyes of the law he would get more money, obviously. partly it's an issue of society not catching up with the idea parents can and do equally share childcare responsibilities.
i guess the problem is working it out mathematically, especially when it seems most people don't do equal co parenting after a split.
i think if i DIDN'T have a kid, i wouldn't get any wtc, cos i don't work enough hours to claim it as a single person. hence he considers that all my wtc is because of having a child therefore he should share half of it. if he was the one who 'on form' was seen as the primary carer i would expect a maintainance from him.
i totally don't want to rip him off, and equally don't want to be ripped off. i think because the splitting up was my initiative he's feeling particularly hurt too, hence the explosions. and i guess everything that makes him feel a little more hurt is feeling massive to him. i do empathise with that.
when i said i don't have a sofa or anything, he feels we should split costs of anything one of us has to buy to make a home. i think i sort of agree, but i'm conscious of wanting more closure in our separation rather than still seem to be sharing stuff, like an income i consider mine!
my child isn't at school yet, but is in september, and my ex is hoping to have got funding to do his phd by then which would change his financial situation again.
i think, probably, i should go to CAB and see what they say. (although i'm kind of housebound with the car injuries.)
thanks again and if anyone knows more about wtc, or anyone who's worked out a 50/50 childcare arrangement do share!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2011 17:34

Child benefit should go to which ever parent the child lives with, so unless the child lives with you 50/50, then he should have none of it (IMO).

So, he is suggesting you pay him for the privileged of spending time with your (as in yours and his) child? What the...?

And this "housecard" is in credit card? That needs cancelling if you ask me.

RitaMorgan · 26/04/2011 17:34

"i think if i DIDN'T have a kid, i wouldn't get any wtc, cos i don't work enough hours to claim it as a single person. hence he considers that all my wtc is because of having a child therefore he should share half of it."

Well if you DIDN'T have a job there would be any wtc for him to lay claim to anyway! Maybe he'd rather you quit your job and you all just make do on benefits?

It's your labour that is earning that wtc, child or not.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/04/2011 17:39

He's trying it on.

"Hence he considers that all my wtc is because of having a child therefore he should share half of it" - NO it's because you have a child and you work. He only fulfils one of those criteria, which is why the govt is not giving him extra money. It is money back from the tax you have paid whilst working, basically (AFAIK) - he hasn't worked, so hasn't paid tax, so can hardly expect what it essentially a refund.

Also WRT buying stuff for your homes - this is bollocks too. You buy what you need, he buys what he needs, you are adults and can decide for yourselves what you need and what you can afford.

PonceyMcPonce · 26/04/2011 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooyHoo · 26/04/2011 17:54

op you have to stop taking the 'blame' for the relationship ending because this is what he is playing on and how he is justifying you forking out for his 'setting up home' costs. he is blaming you for him having to buy new furniture and it isn't on. when a relationship ends. both parties feel hurt. it isn't for you to compensate him for having to move out and buy a bed. a relationship ending isn't the same as a business partnership ending.

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 17:56

Why doesnt he work OP?

Seems he is happy to reap the 'rewards' of being a parent [tax creds etc] but none of the financial responsibility!

Bonsoir · 26/04/2011 17:58

You were never married? Don't pay him anything. He should get a job.

Stopthenonsense · 26/04/2011 18:05

If the parents look after the children equally why shouldn't he have half the child benefit?

Original poster

MaeBee · 26/04/2011 18:20

hey,
i'm totally not arguing about the child benefit, i DO believe he should get something. i think if it was the other way round and i was a woman saying i had to now set up home, and had no money and was it reasonable to ask my ex for cash as he had more money than me people would be more sympathetic.
he DOES do half the work for our son, and i don't think for a minute he's trying to con me, i believe HE believes what he thinks is fair.
he ideally would like to be the main parent in the eyes of the law, and, in truth, there's no reason why i should automatically be seen to be more important just cos i'm female. it's just trying to sort out what's fair and what's not.
i'm happy to give him a fair amount to set up a new home (because it is the place my son will be living in half the time) and for him to have enough money to eat and all that. it's just i want it to be fair to me.
as i said, i work 3 days a week ( i dont want to work more, my son is little and i want to spend time with him!) and therefore my income isn't big either. i feel i should get more money, for working, obviously, but i don't want him to suffer.
booyhoo - i think you're right though, guilt is tied up in this. and this is what i'm trying to unwrangle. i really don't want this to be a slagging off people on benefits (i think we all know there are massive job cuts now so that we can prop up the bankers, ahem, i mean, cos we have to), but i want to find a fair and just way of doing it.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2011 18:25

For me child benefit is a matter of principle. Looking after equally would mean that the child spends182.5 days per year at each parents house. In which case both parents should pay equally for school uniform, extra circular activities, school trips, etc.

tax credits are paid to the person who is the main carer for the child. You are getting tax credits due to hving a child live with you.

If you are paying him for "child care" then you area really paying him maintenance.

Here's an idea. He could get a job, 5 days a week, and earn enough to buy his own sofa.

RitaMorgan · 26/04/2011 18:37

The wtc only becomes an issue if he also gets a job and can't claim because you are already getting them - if that happens then you should split the wtc with him. But as he isn't working he can't claim any wtc anyway, so it's yours.

RitaMorgan · 26/04/2011 18:39

Lynette, I think MaeBee is saying they do look after their ds equally.

amberleaf · 26/04/2011 19:43

But they dont work equally so why should he get any of the working tax credits?

RitaMorgan · 26/04/2011 20:23

I don't think we should, unless he's working too.

Stopthenonsense · 26/04/2011 20:54

What I can see with this is there isn't a main carer.
So the child benefit and child tax credits should be divided.

That money is given by the government for the child.

And the worker should have the working tax credits.

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