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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

how much do i pay my ex for him doing 50% childcare?

52 replies

MaeBee · 26/04/2011 14:39

hi there,
my expartner has finally moved out of the house we share, and is living in a flat in the same co op, just around the corner. we are trying to be amicable though it feels we explode every few days over a new matter we've not managed. i could really do with some advice cos we both feel like we're getting a raw deal and all the emotions are pretty sky high.
we have a 4 yr old son and have always gone 50/50 on childcare. my ex has never worked, and previously the deal was i paid rent and council tax out of my part time wage and he did a bit more housework as i was working 3 days a week.
now, the complication is he says we should split child benefit and split my working tax credit cos i get all my working tax credit due to having a child. i'm an absolute thickwit when it comes to maths, and our working out on the benefit checker 'entitled to' seems to come to different results. this would basically mean i pay him £70 a week for his 50% of childcare.
i'm finding it hard to separate out our raw feelings at breaking up and feeling hard done by and whats fair. this is quite terribly compounded by the fact i was hit by a car the week he was moving out and am on crutches with a really messed up leg. i'm having friends and neighbours come in and help me a little bit every day and it feels like he's not helping enough although i see him every day when we swap over with childcare. however, although he doesn't make sure there's enough food in my house to feed his child, he still has the 'housecard' to buy things for his new house. he wants to go half and half on all new things we have for either house. i would rather just do this separately cos he has more expensive tastes than me, even though i've let him take most of the stuff. i don't have a sofa anymore etc.
sorry, that turned into a whinge. i should probably add our child is managing surprisingly well seeing as this has all happened at once.
anyone been in similar?

OP posts:

amberleaf · 27/04/2011 10:37

I think whats important to remember here is that this isnt necessarily a question of what is morally right, its about the legalities of the issue and it would seem the OPs ex is trying to imply he has a legal right to a share of the monies.

He does NOT at all

Stopthenonsense · 27/04/2011 15:06

Well if it's legal not moral.

NRPs should never pay more than 15/20/25%

if there's a court order days should never be swapped.

Because it's legal and not moral.

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 16:45

MAEBEE tax credits are for working people or couples where one person is working. He is not entitled to any of this if he is not working.

I think if you share the child care 50/50 then 'morally' you should give him half of the child benefit IMO as it is a non means tested benefit for a family with children and you share the costs of the child.

saying that, if you work and he doesnt, presumably you will be buying the child everything it needs... so you possibly deserve the whole CB.

droopypoppies · 27/04/2011 16:56

I'm still a little confused. When you say the childcare is 50/50, what does that mean?

Is your DS registered at your home or your XP's home for doctors/dentists/nursery?
Where does your DS spend the night? How many nights a week does he spend the night with you/your XP?

Who has decided whether you or your XP is the main childcarer?

It is very difficult to give an opinion without this information.

Original poster

MaeBee · 27/04/2011 17:11

droopypopppies,
my son spends exactly half and half with either of us. at the moment it's every other night at mine, and every other night at my exes. although we're going to have to swap that round a bit when i'm back at work.
me and my xp both decided we were the main shared childcarer.
my ds is registered at my home for doctors and kindergarten etc., but that's cos until a month ago both me AND my ex were living here.
it's not about legal issues, it is about the ethics of it, and doing right by my ex as the father of my child, not just my child. we haven't gone to court, we're still struggling to stay amicable. i hope soon we'll reach proper friends stage. as is, we're still managing some meals together as a family and a bit of hanging out all together.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 27/04/2011 17:44

OK, now I understand. So to give him half of CB seems reasonable. I would keep all other money, and be the one to to buy clothes, etc, but then I'm a control freak. I would give him some extra money for expenses such as food so he can feed your child while he is at your house, or for bus fares if he wants to take him somewhere, etc.

droopypoppies · 27/04/2011 17:51

Is there any reason why your XP can't get a job?

amberleaf · 27/04/2011 18:12

Why cant/wont your EX get a job?!

Original poster

MaeBee · 27/04/2011 18:13

droopy, he is hoping to get funding for some stuff in september, but even if he's working i guess the same issue applies: only one of us can claim as a parent and therefore get the (finanacial) benefits of a parent BUT we share responsibility, so how best to do it fairly?

i think maybe i have a different attitude to parenting or gender maybe than some others on this thread. so, we BOTH want to be considered legally the resident parent in lieu of the fact only one of us is allowed to be. however, i currently am. therefore i get the money for it and, i think, the extra rights. but this isn't a true arrangement, it's just the only one the legal system recognises.

as i said before, i think if it was the other way genderwise people would be more sympathetic to him and less to me! i think, is it not, quite common that when a couple with kids split up the wife gets some maintenance from the man? i think even when they don't have kids she gets some maintenance! (now, that DOES seem crazy to me!) also, we do have a child who's not yet of schoolage, therefore it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that one of us hasn't had a job yet. i'd rather he had worked and i got to stay at home, but there you go!

i think we would both want to buy my son things, i don't think i have the right to say only i should do the buying of things for him. again, if i was a man saying i wouldn't give my exwife money for a child cos i could just buy the child stuff when it was needed, i think that would be seen as a bit tight.

now i sound like i'm totally defending him, and, to be honest, he's not in my good books at the moment!

so, maybe if i ask like this it's easier? is anyone out there getting maintenance from their ex toward their kids upkeep? how much? (then i can just half it maybe)

stopthenonsense said something about NRP's paying 15/20%? maybe i should figure it like that?

OP posts:

droopypoppies · 27/04/2011 18:29

I get nothing from my XP for our DD, same as many many parents.

The CSA say the minimum should be 15% for one child. (I am told this is 15% of basic pay, not including any WTC/CTC/CB you may be receiving.)

Of course if you are splitting 50/50 child care, then instead of buying him furniture, you could split the CB/CTC 50/50 too, and give him 7.5% of your basic pay on top of that. It's up to you what you do with the WTC.

Incidentally, is it possible your XP can get a temp job between now and september?

droopypoppies · 27/04/2011 18:34

Another possibility is for you to keep the CTC/WTC/CB, and provide your DS with everything whilst he is with XP.
I'd include food, juice, clothes, toiletries, toothbrush, anything he needs tbh.
You could also pay your XP 7.5% of your basic pay on top of that.

This way, looking after your DS will be of no expense to your XP, and any extra he pays in electric/gas/water while your DS is with him can be covered by the 7.5% of your basic wage?

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 18:38

The nrp pays 15% for one child and 20% for two. It is of their net income after tax/pensions. It doesnt take in to account Tax credits and bens but maybe for your purpose you could do this.
It takes 1/7th off for any days regularly with the nrp. And yes, it is true that even if care is 50/50 the person who claims the CB gets the maintenance in all situations (I agree this si madness!)

So I suppose you could total up all your incoming money after tax (tax credits/wages/etc) and give your ex 20% of it... reduced buy 3.5/7ths

ChristinedePizan · 27/04/2011 18:40

I think it's fair enough that he gets 1/2 the CB but why have you let him take most of the stuff?? I don't get that.

And this is nothing to do with the fact that he's a man, it just seems bloody odd

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 18:41

I think it is better to give him a set amount to manage rather than just providing everything for the kids there.

Unless it got to a point where you didn't feel he was meeting their needs with the moneya nd spending it on himself... but it sounds like he's a decent chap in terms of child care so I doubt that would happen.

he does need to get a job though. And that isn't a gender thing. Everyone who works, should. Particularly if they have children to feed. I'm not that comfortable with you receiving tax credits to help raise your childrena while you work and the money being given to a man who doesnt seem to want to support his children financially.

I don't agree with a lot of the benefits proceedures but Ithey are what they are and taking them in to your won hands and giving your ex money he isn't entitled to is a bit

Why can't he work again?

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 18:42

sorry "everyone who can work should"

RitaMorgan · 27/04/2011 18:53

Maebee - I don't think wives get maintenance anymore. Children get maintenance from the non-resident parent, but I'd say in your case you are both the resident parent. Maybe you should both give 15% of your income to each other

I do agree with you that as only one person can get the WTC even if both of you work, then if both of you do work you should split it. But as you are the only one working at the moment then you don't need to - why not cross that bridge when you come to it.

As things stand, does your ex have enough money to feed and clothe your ds while he has him? Does he have a bed for him, toys, cups and plates etc? If the basics are covered then you don't owe him spending money out of your wages.

timetomove · 27/04/2011 19:00

I think a good starting point is that anything you get because you have a child and which he in turn is prevented from claiming should be shared. So CB falls in this category.

Re tax credits, to the extent you get them because you have a child and he is prevented from getting them becuase you get them (e.g. anything that he could claim based on his situation if he were the primary carer), i think that shoudl be shared. If he could not get them anyway (eg. becuase he does not work and so could not claim tax credits in any event, and the amount of benefits he can claim is no different), then I think the startign point should be that he should not get the entire 50%. So maybe work out how much extra he would get if he was primary carer and see how that compares to how mcuh extra you are currently getting becuase you are primary carer and split the difference somewhere.

I agree he should try to get a job though, at least on the days you do not work.

timetomove · 27/04/2011 19:06

Maybe Rita has it - Work out 15% of his income (benefits presumably) - call this X.
Work out 15% of your income - call this Y.

Give him 50% of the difference between X and Y (i.e. treat him as entitled to half of 15% of your income and you as entitled to half of 15% of his income, and settle up the difference)

Original poster

MaeBee · 27/04/2011 21:15

ha, thanks for that, this is helpful. it makes it seem more manageable even if it's the sort of maths that just terrifies me! i don't know why i'm so competent at everything except counting....!
(disclaimer: by 'everything' i reserve the right not to mean everything quite literally...)

OP posts:

STIDW · 29/04/2011 13:54

YOu can agree between yourselves what you want but your ex-partner is responsible for parenting not child minding. He would be entitled to a discount to cover some of the costs of children staying with him overnight if he worked and paid child support.

On the other hand, if he doesn't work and you do he might be deemed the parent with care for Child Benefit and child support purposes. Then Working Families Tax Credit would be lost reducing the money overall so it's worth finding a compromise that works for everyone.

DooinMeCleanin · 29/04/2011 14:11

The thing is you don't get CTC and CB as payment for looking after your own child. They are meant for helping towards the costs of raising a child i.e food, clothing, activities etc.

If your ex gets half of this money is going to split costs of clothes, school uniforms, scholl trips, football class etc? No, thought not.

You should pay him a set amount per week towards feeding your ds if he genuinely has him 50% of the time. The rest is your o help pay towards the above.

moondog · 29/04/2011 14:17

I still don't understand why he doesn't work and why you only 'choose' to wrok three days a week.

Very nice too.

RitaMorgan · 29/04/2011 14:22

Presumably she chooses to work 3 days a week for the same reason many of us do - so we get to see our children and have a life outside work.

moondog · 29/04/2011 17:23

Hmmm, yes, funded by other people.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 29/04/2011 17:30

He needs to get a job.

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