Anyone dealing with Vindictive Ex's

[KnackeredOne]

..or is this a stupid question.

I've witnessed my sister going through the most awful things with her ex partner and father of her DS.

The things this man has got up to is just immoral. And when social services have got involved because of the effect on the little boy, they just don't seem bothered.

CAFFCASS have been no better really.

Nobody wants to listen. Most importantly no-one wants to listen the the little boy, who is quite articulate despite only being 3 years old. His mood changes when he knows he has to go to his dad for the day or the weekend. He begs not to go.

WHAT can we do? There is something not right going on in that house.

Not particularly helpful, but I understand your situation.

My DSis went through similar - CAFFCASS awful and unsupportive, when she went to court to discuss access (she was very reluctant for anything unsupervised as he was abusive to her and in front of them) her barrister told her he thought the judge was prejudiced against her and was favouring abusive ex-BIL.

This despite the fact that he shows DN all solicitor's letters, tells her 'When you are X years old [always her next birthday] you can choose who you live with' and refuses permission for her to attend counselling, despite the fact she has alopecia and has requested counselling herself.

This is just some of it. Sometimes there is no justice.

Oh, and they stay there every other weekend and have done for more than a year.

Urghhh....why do they do it?

Yes we've done the whole court thing...in fact whenever she says NO, he threatens court action, for the silliest of things...threatens more access esp overnight, ignoring the fact that the little bboy suffers real stress in the buid-up to being collected by his Dad - grabs his bbelly in pain, whimpers in the corner whilst doing his puzzles - i just cry, he's so alone!!

These men should be warned off for wasting court time, there are some real cases of children in danger they should be addressing, not idiots hellbent on bullying partners who are getting on with their lives, and in the process messing with the childrens heads.

Yes - I'm going through it atm. He is not even in the country but telephone calls abroad are unfortunately cheap nowadays - he is stirring things up at school (the head teacher was never exactly sincere towards me), SS, GP, you name it. Dcs and I are the victims of his DV but you would never know it. Unfortunately, I am quite shy whereas he was always the one putting on the friendly show in the neighbourhood (typical pschyo trait, I guess).

It is really hard and unfair. The school quizzing me about what I get up to in MY spare time when DCs are at school... I know it is because he has been spinning his usual toxic rubbish about the fact that I dont have many friends or my family is x,y,z or that I am not action-woman introducing DS to a new extreme sport evry week ..even though he barely made it out of bed during daylight hours for years. It should not be allowed (indeed, there are legal ways of blocking it) but the main problem is that there are gullible, suspicious people out there who actually think it is worth listening to him and if I were to protest, it would look as though I have something to hide).

I am proud of myself for having maintained a dignified silence even when I was in a good position to dish out the dirt on him. He does manage to contradict himself too..I'm just sitting back hoping that his hatred will eventually extinguish.

sympathise petersham - think ex behaves in similar pattern - it is hard when someone else is working to an agenda and we are just reacting to their mostly bizarre behaviour/allegations. Amazed how many women are taken in by empty charm and bs. Cafcas remarkably open to bs also - seems to me that worst behaving party gets away with inflicting maximum damage and pain all round, esp to dcs, and parties in authority fail to recognise/acknowledge the emotional manipulation involved. children have disclosed awful behaviour bordering on abuse to me but no one seems to care and Im forced into access arrangements (way above norm) because of exh charm and manipulation/spin. As for legal ways of blocking it, defamation etc seem hard to prove and another expensive legal trip.

Yes this is happening to a friend of mine too. It's a disgrace the way the Family Courts have become a weapon for abusive and vengeful ex's.

This is an excellent source of information and support:

www.maypole.org.uk/

A brilliant report on this subject was released recently, to very little fanfare...

It was covered in a this Guardian piece, but there was little coverage elsewhere:
www.guardian.co.uk/law/2012/nov/05/family-courts-domestic-violence-victims

The full report, Picking Up the Pieces is absolutely heartbreaking. Why is DV dismissed as "irrelevant" in contact proceedings in the Family Courts, when two women a week are murdered by partners or ex-partners?
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs/Policy/Picking_Up_the_Pieces_Report_final.pdf

I'm going to email my MP with a copy of the report and ask what he intends to do to ensure the recommendations in this report are actioned.

Can I urge you to do the same!

Here's a helpful analysis of the report by Marilyn Stowe (her off the telly):
www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2012/11/09/courts-not-following-law-in-domestic-violence-contact-cases-group-claims/

Especially this:

As for the motivations of estranged partners seeking contact, a massive 79 per cent of the solicitors and barristers surveyed thought that power and control was a primary motivator for abusive partners seeking contact with their estranged families. Such professionals are exposed to families riven by domestic violence on a regular basis, so they are in a good position to make such judgements.

Don't bother reading the comments on her blog unless you want to get seriously depressed.