Delusion and text messages causing stress

[saresym123]

I was just wondering how other people deal with the text messages - my dad has mild to moderate dementia and he bombards my husband and I with these texts about various delusions. I think he thinks he's going to our wedding (we were married 12 years ago - he was there). He also thinks the bank owes him lots of money and that he has won the lottery. I try to respond calmly and consistently. My mother (they are 20 years divorced) thinks that he is doing this to manipulate me but she doesn't understand the disease. When I see him, I go along with the delusion and try and redirect him. It's just really tough, with a stressful job and life to get these all the time - it makes my adrenaline spike constantly and I don't know if I am handling it correctly.

What type of dementia has your dad got and how old is he? And how long has he had the disease.see of you can get him checked for UTI and anything else that could be increasing confusion.
He's got great literacy skills despite his disease progression! At this stage it's not such a positive though for you

Can you begin to reply less frequently and maybe thumbs up. A friend is a nurse and she mutes her phone on shift because this stuff is too overwhelming to manage on top of dealing with patients.

Her siblings get the messages then and they just thumbs up unless they get something worrying.

They've done all the tests and all normal. Yes, it's quite wild how well he can still write - he wrote a letter to the home complaining about various things and I popped into the manager's office the other day and she had it on her desk - she was like - it's just so wonderful a letter - even though he's complaining! He was a novelist previously so thank you for saying that - you're right - it is a comfort

Is there a way you could use his written language skills amd redirect his attention in another way? Could he annotate or write about photographs , or could he be encouraged to write poetry instead of messaging?

Thank you - yes, he has all this. I know it's harsh of me and I know it's a disease but could there be something in him that likes the response?

That sounds really draining, especially when you're already juggling work and everyday life. I think you're doing the right thing by staying calm and not arguing with him about the delusions. But you don't have to respond to every message straight away. It's okay to mute notifications or set specific times to reply so you're not constantly on edge. You're allowed to protect your own peace while still being there for your dad.

So from what you have said, he is in a care home? So you know he's safe and being looked after.

I agree they are beautifully written messages. It is interesting how some skills remain for quite a long time. Even when my mother's dementia was moderate-advanced, she could still read magazine articles (I'm sure she instantly forgot what she read). Fortunately she forgot how to use a phone very early on!

Unfortunately a person with dementia can tend to get a bee in their bonnet, with your dad it's texting, and while they still have the ability to carry out that task they do it relentlessly.

I would try simply not replying. So mute his messages, and read them all in one go in the evening and send one reply then. And mute again till next day. Your husband would need to do the same.

You can see there is no 'point' in replying because he does not take in the answer, it does not reassure or comfort him, and he stays resolutely in the groove of limo/tie or whatever is preoccupying him.

Thank you for your kind message. I will consider this for sure

Really do @saresym123 I know in my friends case he is texting and calling 10-20 times per hour and they are dealing with lots of medical and other practical issues as well. They have learned to engage less because it is the only choice that keeps him out of a nursing home where he is adamant he does not want to go.

@catofglory thank you for that message - that is really lovely for you to speak of his writing. He was a novelist, so he would love to hear that too. Thank you for your advice. It's tough love but might be best for my mental health I feel

As pp said, it sounds like he's in a care home so presumably safe and has someone around to help if he gets too distressed. In which case if he's been checked for UTIs etc I think all you can do is protect yourself by muting his messages and just checking in once a day or so. I would have a word with the care home though to see how he's been behaving. If the delusions are causing him distress you could speak to his doctors about whether there is any medication that could help.
My DM had some very frightening delusions due to her dementia but was prescribed Memantine which for now has really calmed things down. Obviously it's only suitable for patients with the 'right' kind of dementia but for DM it's made a huge difference.