Maintaining patience

[limetrees32]

Unfortunately myself and partner of over 30 years have never had the best of relationships.
We're just not that fond of eachother .
In our mid 70s now and he's becoming more and more vague ,forgetful and other symptoms that indicate dementia.
I keep reminding myself that he can't help.his behaviour but I'm afraid that I find it very hard not to show impatience.
Any advice ?

Caring for someone with dementia is a hard graft even if you love them with every fibre of your being, so it must be even harder if that love and affection is not there.

That you have stayed in your marriage suggests that leaving is not for you. And in some respects you may have it easier than someone who does care deeply, as you can be a bit more distant from the issues and possible solutions. (OK I know I'm clutching at straws here...)

Get everything you can in place to support your DH and yourself.

Has your DH been to the GP ? - A formal diagnosis isn't usually required to trigger input from social services etc. My Mum got very distressed during her appointments at the memory clinic that she couldn't complete the assessment. Didn't stop her getting input. It social services who drive the care assessment not the GP, so
Request a social services assessment both for your DH and yourself as carer - and take anything and everything they offer and suggest even if you don't think you'll a) need it, b) will like it) - things change
apply for attendance allowance on DH's behalf - and use it for carers coming in to help him, with washing, dressing, sitting with him whilst you go out.
claim the council tax reduction
get family involved - in the early stages it may just be being with your DH whilst you go out for example
encourage your DH to go along to any and all local support groups - Alzheimer's Society, Aged UK - your library / social services will have contact details. You can along to some of the groups too
keep your social contacts going as much as you can - buy in help to do this if you can afford it.This is really important to keep you sane
Check out the Aged UK website for financial information.
Have a weekly plan of things to do, for both you and your DH and try and get out of the house at least once a day - especially important during winter months and if you don't have a garden. I don't mean you have to go out together every time - you can go solo and maybe you spend some of the attendance allowance on a carer to take him out for a couple of hours.

Sounds like this might be a good time to split.

@DPotter that is such a kind ,thoughtful and helpful post .
It means a huge amount that you've accepted the lack of affection without judgement .
Lots of good advice.
Thank you again for taking time to post

And i.understand what you mean ; I won't have to cope with the grief of loosing a deeply loved one .

You're very welcome.

I think people can get good support on this board. The "Elderly Parents" board is also very active and supportive

And may have more up tp date information as mine experiences are now 3-5 years old

It can be a long (ten years or more) road with huge amounts of stress.

Do you want to stay married and support him through it?

I can't leave him.no.
That wouldn't be something I'd feel able to do .

It’s incredibly difficult, not much worse. My DH has Alzheimer’s and I have moments when I want to yell at him, especially if he’s in a morose angry mood. Sometimes I just dash into the kitchen and do a silent scream. Or take a deep breath, and pretend I’m acting a role “Oh darling, are you ok? Shall we have a cup of tea?” When I feel like shrieking “ Shut up, you stupid little man!” The most difficult time of my life, and yours too.

@Clawdy I do dread the years ahead .And yes,I'm already familiar with the role playing .
We have a lovely son who still lives at home and when he's around it's a big help .
I worry for him though .He doesn't know what the future holds .