Parents refusing help

[Greenfingers37]

Hello, I’m at my wits’ end.
My mum who is 81 is in serious cognitive decline and has been for about 5 years. She doesn’t have a diagnosis because she refuses to go to the doctor and she goes berserk if anyone mentions it. To be honest, we don’t any more because it’s just too upsetting for her and for anyone who might be in the room at the time.
She’s probably too far gone for any medication now anyway.
She also has a problem with her knee which is seriously affecting her mobility and she won’t wear glasses despite being very short sighted.
My Dad is 85 and in very good health, physically and cognitively.
The issue is the condition of their house. It is cluttered, messy and dirty and I can’t even begin to describe the state of the bathroom….😩. They can’t keep on top of the washing and now both look unkempt and scruffy.
This was never them in the past and it’s so sad to see.
I have plenty of time on my hands and really want to help with the housework, ironing etc but my Mum maintains that she can do it herself when she clearly can’t. Whenever I offer, she gets really stroppy with me and we end up falling out. My Dad would accept the help but he daren’t say it because she just goes mad at him too!
I’m at a complete loss at how to change things. They would probably be entitled to all sorts of benefits but wouldn’t dream of claiming anything and just won’t accept any kind of help with anything.
Does anyone have any experience of anything like this? I’m so down about it.

Could you try and contact their local GP and just say that you have concerns about their wellbeing?
I know someone who did this and the GP was concerned enough to do a house visit as she had not heard from this particular elderly couple in a long time.
Unfortunately though, the issues will have to be something more serious than just a messy house. Lots of people live in mess and it's not seem as a reason for intervention unless it's extreme and putting them in danger.
If you can persuade either a GP or a social worker that they are placing themselves in harms way you are more likely to get a response Your local Age Concern might be able to give some advice too.

Thank you for your advice.
I spoke to the GP a couple of years ago, mainly to do with my Mum’s deteriorating cognitive health. We had also suffered a very sudden and tragic loss of a young family member at the time which just added to things.
He wrote to her asking her to come in for a well woman check but she ignored it.
I do wonder whether I’m more concerned about the state of the house than they are. I couldn’t live like that but it’s clearly not an issue for them. I can’t go to the toilet whilst there.
However, as dirty as the house is, it’s probably not affecting their health.

What happens if you just do it rather than offer?

Go to the loo, start scrubbing.

Make them a cuppa, do the ironing or clear some surfaces. Or clear floorspace so it's safe to move about.

Don't negotiate, present it as a done deal.

Agree to contact the GP about the medical concerns.

I’ve tried this. She gets very angry.

If your Dad took her out for lunch and you went in and did some cleaning while she wasnt there, might that help? Just be gone before she gets home

I’ve suggested this to my Dad. He told me not to as he’d get it in the neck.

Honestly, I'd just crack on and piss her off. I suspect the bitching would reduce over time and might pave the way for some acceptance of carers in due course.

In all seriousness, so what if she gets angry? Especially when you know she's not 100% functioning cognitively. At some point you may have to make bigger decisions around care in the home or moving into permanent care and those battles will be all the harder....

I had a similar issue with my grandparents. My grandmother had dementia (undiagnosed because she refused to see the doctor). My grandfather was very elderly and frail. She would not accept help and things fell apart in terms of 'housework'.

I used to go round for lunch them wait until she was in her armchair watching TV or nodding off in the afternoon, and then do what needed doing with without her noticing.

I only did stuff which was a health risk, like removing ancient out of date food from the fridge. I would count the bathroom as a possible health risk from what you've said. If your grandmother does notice and gets angry, she gets angry. There is a point where you have to stop suggesting, and step in and do it.

Do it anyway. Her anger is not worse than the situation she is living in. You have said she is in cognitive decline, you are not -you can deal with her anger and so can your father.
Best wishes with this difficult situation.

I’m so sorry, that sounds incredibly upsetting to watch. I wouldn’t keep trying to argue with your mum about whether she needs help, because it sounds like that just makes her feel threatened. I’d start quietly documenting the real situation: the bathroom, washing, clothes, mobility, missed appointments, food, hygiene and how much your dad is covering.
I saw RightCareHome explain this well around care needs assessments: describe the reality professionals don’t see, not the version where everyone says they are “fine”. It may help you prepare what to say if you contact Adult Social Care: https://www.rightcarehome.co.uk/blog/care-needs-assessment-uk-how-to-prepare

This is so helpful! Thank you!

I really appreciate what you’re saying but my Dad actively tells me not to offer help or do anything whilst there. He has to live with her, I don’t and she would make his life even more of a misery than it is now. It’s so difficult as I don’t want to upset either of them.
But you’re right-the time will have to come when I just do it anyway.

If you can bear with it for now this situation will self resolve, unfortunately very likely through some sort of crisis. I'm guessing she will be most resistant to a falls alarm? Get one for both of them however hale your dad is unless you are 100% confident you can rely on DM to call for help if he needs it.

It's not just the condition of the house though. You say your parents are both unkempt and your father sounds afraid of your mother's reactions.

Something to ask your father - and I'm sure this wont be an easy thing to ask him! - is what happens when your mother gets angry or "goes berserk"? Does she shout, cry, swear, say hurtful things, throw things, hit him? What does it mean that he would "get it in the neck"?

Whatever it is, your mother is also stopping your father from getting the care that he needs and making his life a misery. I guess you are used to think of your father being "in charge" and able to make decisions for both of them but it doesn't really sound as if that's the case any more.

Hi Op looking the situation about refusing help and an untidy house. I think that all you can in the circumstances is to let them get on with it however bad it looks and wait for them to call you for help. Otherwise it will stress you even further.

The old saying you can take a horse to water and it won't drink may sum up your situation!

Good luck OP.

Sooner or later someone is going to have to get the rubber gloves on and do it, anger or not op. Personally I’d do it asap before one of them gets sick (either yourself or get someone in) because of it. I’m not saying this to upset you op, but she could be like this for years. And she’ll potentially only get worse.