Refusing to wash

[TheRemainsOfTheDayCream]

My aunt absolutely refuses to wash or get dressed. She moved into a residential home a fortnight ago and has only had one shower in that time (persuaded by a close friend). Her carers have been patiently trying to encourage her daily, but she gets agitated and starts calling them names.

I managed to clean her hair using a no-water shampoo cap on my last visit and have left body wipes for her to use, but I doubt she will use them. And it's an expensive way to wash.

Has anyone else had this issue? Any tips?

@TheRemainsOfTheDayCream You sound as if you care for your Aunt very much. Give yourself grace. Caring is hard, especially dementia. It's a difficult illness to understand as the behaviour makes no sense to us. It's a huge learning curve, but you are doing the right things in advocating and asking for advice/help. It's a hard road to be travelling down, I wish you and your Aunt well. 💐

I think you're being wonderful OP, well done for all that you're doing for your Aunt. Dementia is a hard, cruel illness - both for the patient and for the family.

I know a lot of people will say not to "play along with the delusion" but I've found that if done carefully and sensitively, it can keep the patient in a calmer frame of mind. Also just trying to find ways of communicating things does help. Any way that you can find a "hook" in to be able to communicate. Favourite songs/music, favourite fragrances/soaps, movies, books, hobbies etc. What did they do as a career/job? What was happening in the world when they were younger etc? I find that a lot of more elderly people wouldn't have had a daily bath or shower "back in the young days" (many didn't have central heating or the means to easily heat water daily for a bath), but they would have had a strip wash.

I looked after an amazing lady once - a retired hospital Matron. She believed she was still on duty at hospital, as a Matron, so would be constantly on the go. Well, I couldn't tell her that she wasn't a Matron and that she wasn't in hospital (because it was damned obvious that she was in a hospital!). So I worked around it. I addressed her as Matron (out of respect and because by God she had earned that title!), she called me "Nurse" or "Staff". I asked her to "walk with me to make sure the ward and staff were all in order", I gave her pillowcases for folding (and scrap paper to write her notes on). She'd "guard" my (locked and secured!) drug trolley (goes without saying that I kept the keys with me!). When I was writing notes at the desk, I'd invite her to "take tea at Sister's desk, and watch that everyone was behaving themselves". I'd have tea, biscuits, "a jug of cordial" etc ready for her, and we'd sit together whilst I did my paperwork. If I was having a lunch break, I'd take my packed lunch and sit with her whilst she had her own lunch ("Matron, shall we take lunch/luncheon together?"). She stayed calm, safe, happy, fed/hydrated(!) and didn't wander off or exhibit challenging behaviours...I managed to watch and look after her, my other patients and get my jobs done in a safe and timely way.

Thank you @unsync - if you'd said that a few months ago, I wouldn't have known what to say because I didn't see or think about my aunt very often. She lives a long way away from me and we only met occasionally at family get-togethers. But I was the one who discovered her living in appalling conditions a couple of months ago - one of the most upsetting experiences of my life - and my knowledge of health & social care (two children with additional needs) meant I was the obvious person to manage the situation. I do care about her very much now I'm so involved with her care.

Thank you @TicTac80. Yes, it is a terrible disease. I'm watching my aunt's personality slowly disintegrating. She said the other day 'I used to be a person who read books.' Now the books are scattered across her bed like ornaments.

I absolutely agree with playing along with the delusions where that brings comfort and have been doing that with my aunt, except when she has worked out that her delusion is wrong and wants an explanation (e.g. she thinks she is at home, but is still sharp enough to know that the carers suggest she is somewhere else and is upset by her confusion).

I love your story about Matron. You gave her back her dignity and sense of purpose, as well as companionship. Absolutely brilliant!

Although dealing with social care, power of attorney, financial assessments, carers, etc. is demanding and difficult, I actually think the emotional impact is the hardest aspect of this. I'm still struggling to come to terms with seeing my aunt like this - and knowing that it's going to get worse, not better.

Experience with both parents I agree that it is not So simple as a tick box. There must be all sorts of reasons that showering or bathing is rejected. In mums case I think she doesn’t feel safe in the shower despite having a shower stool.

We were criticized for showering daily. Like we were not normal! Mum’s flannel wash used to take a lot longer than a shower.

For aunty I would give her a chance to get to know the carers, and let them do their job. It is easier to deal with my toddler grandchildren.