Should my parents move to be closer to me?

[Stillwearingskinnies]

My father is 80 and my mother 79. Over the last 12 months my father has declined. He struggles to find words, struggles to complete tasks, misunderstands questions when asks, keeps losing things, forgets his pin number. 12 months ago he wrote off a car and has had a couple of bumps in the new car. His golf buddies humour him but he can't really play properly - he gets confused about which direction to play the ball, mistakes a leaf for the ball although its lovely that he can play weekly and his friends help him out.
My mother keeps repeating herself and seems confused on occasion. She is more emotional lately, she had a fall in November and we're not sure why.
My mother minimises the problems and tells little lies to cover up any issues.
I took them to the GP in November and they are now in the system and I'm waiting for their memory assessments which I think will be in Feb.
The community matron came out but at the moment mum is managing well, and on paper all is fine. But I have to help out a lot with the financial side but I live 45 - 60 minutes drive away. I have a part time job and 2 teens.
My parents started looking to move closer to me last year and the plan was to move to a bungalow. They have always been fiercely independent and do not like being told what to do. They are coming round to the idea that they might need help. My mum has a few siblings and 2 of them go round quite often as they are local. But that isn't sustainable.
I suppose the question is should they move closer to me or will that lead to problems? Should they move to a bungalow or should we look at retirement villages? I am desperate for them to be closer but would it only be good for me and not them?
Sorry for all the info. I'm in a bit of a state with everything.
I have LPA for both. They have a 3 bed house with a big garden.
Also aware that dad has to stop driving. Mum hates driving so if he doesn't drive, that takes a lot away from them.

I think that asking his Golf friends if they can help with taking your DF and brining him back is an excellent piece of advice.

Also agree with looking up the local Carer’s Hub and getting in touch with them.

A companion carer sounds like a really good idea and I’ve seen it mentioned on MN before.

I’ve also seen the “yesterday’s problems” thing mentioned on here recently. I think this is totally where you are now.

A bungalow or retirement flat woukd have befn a great move 10 to 5 years ago. They could have enjoyed their new bone and it would have helped them to stay more independent for longer but that’s a choice they didn’t make, for whatever reason. Now they need support to stay in their home for longer.

Do you know of any Cleaners local to them who are reliable?

And have you requested a Wiltshire Farm Foods brochure yet? Hpw are they coping with preparing food and eating right now?

It may well be best for them to move closer to you and to a bungalow we are in a similar position but it's selling the house and finding a bungalow that needs nothing doing to it all this takes time which is fast running out

I would wait for the diagnosis but moving now might be too little to late - your dad sounds in a bad way and I am surprised you let him drive. And moving away from what he knows and where they have friends might well cause a days deterioration- wait for diagnosis

and be realistic about what amount of care you will be able to give

Huge sympathies first of all this is and will continue to be a very tough situation.

A key thing to be aware of if both parents have dementia is that even if one is not as far down the road as the other (sounds like your DM is not as bad as your DF) the dementia will impact how the less advanced parent copes.

You mention your mum tells little lies, it’s also possible based on my experience that if her short term memory is going then she is forgetting.

Based on my experience the scaffolding you put in place when both parents have dementia needs to be a bit different. Pill dispensers and things sound fine right now but at some point the carer parent is likely to start forgetting things as well and quite possibly also then getting agitated and angry about managing the thing whatever that may be.

The reality is you really cannot rely on an early stage dementia parent to care for the other one. There is also a huge risk that the decline of the more advanced one goes “unnoticed” as the “top shelf books” of things like occasional sundowning or aggression from the more advanced parent get forgotten by the caring parent - the less advanced parent will insist things are fine still and to them they will be as they won’t remember the nightmare of the evening before.

I would strongly recommend putting in place daily support now for things like meds etc. I’m another one who can’t praise Home Instead highly enough if your parents have the money for them. They will keep your parents safe (things like meds, checking for out of date food etc) but there will also be regular eyes on your parents and you will hopefully then be able to plan for the “next steps” when things like increases care or a home are needed.

I’m so sorry that you’re also going through this @pinkypoo8. If you’re thinking of moving your DPs, I’m just wondering of you’ve RTFT?

Have you also found the Elderly Parents section on MN? There are sone quite knowledgeable and supportive MNers in there and it’s usually a little busier than this section

Please contact age uk or citizens advice about applying for attendance allowance for one or both of them. Non means tested, will cover some carer/ cleaner costs.

The details of how to apply for Attendance Allowance are here.

I think if they are in Scotland you’ll need to apply for Pension Age Disability Payment instead.

I am sorry OP, am in similar position myself with elderly DPs an hour away, each with their own unique set of physical and mental challenges. I am an only DC and it’s just horrific because dementia is involved. Thankfully DH has stepped in and is doing a lot of the visiting as I literally cannot cope.

Yes an hour is a lot each way, but as others have said there’s no point in them moving now unless it’s to a care home. I would research what’s available near you and also near them, as chances are it won’t be as neat as them both agreeing to go in at the same time <sigh>. Ultimately it may depend on what’s available rather than what’s nicest and most suitable if the move comes in a rush - which it likely will.

Also if you are visiting a minimum of once a week you are doing enough already. This could go on for a long time, you need to look after yourself and pace yourself for a marathon not a sprint.

And yes the car keys, although I know when I was in that situation it was frustrating that nobody seemed to care about me or the stress I was under and all that mattered was the keys. In my case it was the doctor who told him he couldn’t drive anymore after he got admit ted to hospital with extreme confusion ( sadly they let him out again) and yes it has led to a huge amount of additional work as even setting up a regular online order for them appears complicated beyond reason.

By the way those "little lies" might be confabulation. That's where they don't remember but the subconscious fills in the gaps with something that seems sensible. For example, my mum will always tell you she's had a cheese sandwich if you ask her what she had for lunch even if the used soup bowl is in the sink and the empty tin on the side and she really thinks that is what she ate.

And buy "sensible" it often only seems that way to the subconscious, don't expect it to always be something that is logical.

My DM can be absolutely convinced that she has eaten lunch and can even tell me what she has, but we can then find that the food is still in the fridge or languishing in a cold oven. Or has taken her tablets even though the pill box is full for that day. She can see the evidence but will still insist she has had lunch or taken tablets.

Thank you for all your advice.
I have just returned from seeing my parents and they are determined to move house. They want somewhere smaller with a smaller garden and closer to me. I have talked through all the options available to them and they still want to move. I know that if it goes ahead, I will be the one doing it all.
Dad was chatty and lucid today, until he couldn't remember some words and just kept apologising. Mum was emotional and was so glad I was there. It is heartbreaking to see the change in them.
I have to add, I haven't "let" my father drive. I have told him he needs to stop driving on multiple occasions. He no longer drives at all, apparently, and hasn't for weeks. He hasn't driven to golf for about 2 years as one of the other guys drives. I will inform the DVLA of course, but fortunately he has agreed that he needs to sell the car so I will begin the process.
Anyway, I genuinely hope that we don't find any suitable properties to move to and in 6 months time they might just resign themselves to staying where they are.
I will look into Attendance Allowance and contact AGE UK as well next week. The Home Instead option also looks great.
I set up an Alexa for them today which they're pleased with. I have also bought them some sensor lights.

As I said, Mum wants to be responsible for shopping and prescriptions, as otherwise what would she do?! (her words)

It is an ongoing process. It's hard not to feel sad when my mum says that dad has been such a good man that he doesn't deserve to go like this. Awful.

My mum is 87 and has recently moved into extra care housing closer to me.

It is run by a local housing association and she has a really nice rented 2 bedroom flat in a block with other people in similar situations. It has a nice communal garden, which her flat overlooks, and is close to local shops, the doctor's surgery and hospital.

She is in the process of selling her house. Her husband, my stepdad, died last summer but we had applied for the extra care housing for both of them initially.

A social care assessment was required and they were considered eligible and put on a waiting list and a place came up after about 6 months, although it was very soon after the death so she passed on that offer and another was offered a couple of months later. To be eligible she needed to have relatives in the area, which both myself and my stepbrother are, as well as a need for the housing.

Although she has her own flat with a decent kitchen, bathroom and living room, lunch is provided every day in a dining room and there are communal areas to meet up with other residents and she is enjoying getting to know people.

I think it was a really good decision as there are people around if she needs support, she can pay for hourly care if she needs it in future, has an energency lanyard she wears all the time, yet has the independence of her own flat. She also likes the communal meals, as she was getting lonely on her own in the house after my stepdad died.

I believe this kind of housing exists in other areas, we are in Cambridgeshire and it is run by CHS group. I did a lot of research and this seemed by far the best option for her.

@Stillwearingskinnies please take care of yourself. Your situation is not dissimilar to mine. It took me a few months before I realised that DM was - deliberately or not - sacrificing her 55 year old DDs independence and well being to prop up DF 92 and keep him at home.

Sooner or later it usually comes down to a hard choice - them or you. I would not be spending lot of time or energy on a house move that’s unlikely to happen. Best to keep your energy for the inevitable medical crises.

And yes dementia is awful, what’s worst to me is how it devastates the lives around it and destroys happy family memories. Encourage your DM and DF to get the help and support they need.

You really don’t have to help them to move though @Stillwearingskinnies. Ive recently sold a house for a relative who has moved into care and it’s stressful. Even though it we’ve through smoothly it’s still stressful.

I recognise totally the fact that you feel like it’s all on you and you should be the one sorting all of the move out but it’s really lit in your DPs interests to move and they don’t seem capable of sorting ot our for themselves so just don’t.

It is really sad but yhe next move either of them will make will probably be to a care home

Actually rereading your OP, I would say that a move is a bad idea because currently there is additional family support with your DMs siblings popping in. What I find hardest from an hour away is that many of DPs needs/queries could very quickly be sorted if I was there in person, so in a way having someone else - not you - on the ground relieves some of the pressure on you and gives them a bit of variety. As you say they can’t be expected to do a rota or full on caring, but for the early stages at least that’s not what is needed.

I would kick the house move until after the memory assessments, with the aim that it won’t go ahead. They don’t have agency to do it without you so you do have some agency over this. I would say it’s a cold time of year to look as well. Don’t argue with them, just be very vague and push it into the future until you have more facts.

That is good news. As we are an aging society, its inevitable that there will be more older people living in homes that are too big, and often at a distance from family. Extra Care Housing, as you describe, is a great solution.

housingcare.org/elderly-uk-assisted-living-extra-care-housing

This air fryer idea is genius

Have you done anything yet about his driving @Stillwearingskinnies ? Namely contacted DVLA

It is hard - I've been there with my parents and dad with dementia, and at the time I lived 2.5 to 3 hours away.

I would say though, it's going to be better for them to be in familiar surroundings; I feel that a move would be too much

@Flaked I have submitted the online form on the DVLA website and stated that
I have concerns over a person's fitness to drive. It's done.

@rookiemere @SleafordSods Thank you for your messages and words of advice. I have actually cancelled the meeting with the estate agents tomorrow as I am more and more convinced that moving is not a good idea.

I have spoken to the community matron again today and she had some really good advice re. help that my parents can get via Age UK (the local branch) so I will call them tomorrow. Spoke to Age UK National & they have emailed me lots of info about what they are entitled to financially, support at home & housing options so I have some reading to do.
I will also contact Dementia UK and I am registered as a carer with my GP surgery now, so I can get support from them hopefully.
My mum has been having dizzy spells so she's unable to go shopping. I have made an appointment and I will take her to see the doctor on Friday so I can also take some shopping down with me. She is now open to online shopping so I can set it up for her on Friday.

Small steps but I think we're heading in the right direction. It's bloody exhausting though. I seem to spend an awful lot of time thinking about it and I feel so sad.

Take BOTH sets of car keys off them!

That’s a relief

and your dad aware?

presumably it means he wants to carry on driving? As otherwise you wouldn’t need to report

And the car!