Should my parents move to be closer to me?

[Stillwearingskinnies]

My father is 80 and my mother 79. Over the last 12 months my father has declined. He struggles to find words, struggles to complete tasks, misunderstands questions when asks, keeps losing things, forgets his pin number. 12 months ago he wrote off a car and has had a couple of bumps in the new car. His golf buddies humour him but he can't really play properly - he gets confused about which direction to play the ball, mistakes a leaf for the ball although its lovely that he can play weekly and his friends help him out.
My mother keeps repeating herself and seems confused on occasion. She is more emotional lately, she had a fall in November and we're not sure why.
My mother minimises the problems and tells little lies to cover up any issues.
I took them to the GP in November and they are now in the system and I'm waiting for their memory assessments which I think will be in Feb.
The community matron came out but at the moment mum is managing well, and on paper all is fine. But I have to help out a lot with the financial side but I live 45 - 60 minutes drive away. I have a part time job and 2 teens.
My parents started looking to move closer to me last year and the plan was to move to a bungalow. They have always been fiercely independent and do not like being told what to do. They are coming round to the idea that they might need help. My mum has a few siblings and 2 of them go round quite often as they are local. But that isn't sustainable.
I suppose the question is should they move closer to me or will that lead to problems? Should they move to a bungalow or should we look at retirement villages? I am desperate for them to be closer but would it only be good for me and not them?
Sorry for all the info. I'm in a bit of a state with everything.
I have LPA for both. They have a 3 bed house with a big garden.
Also aware that dad has to stop driving. Mum hates driving so if he doesn't drive, that takes a lot away from them.

My DF moved to live with us and we would retutn to his when we could to do things he enjoyed (with us there for safety and care). When it became 24/7 and I was exhausted and he was getting regular infections we moved him into a care home.

We actually chose one back in his home town. If we hadnt he would likely have never seen his friends ever again and my brother rarely, because he doesnt drive and is diaabled. Now he see him once a week and his friends pop in. We have to drive to see him but thats OK it was definitely the best compromise.

Just take on two things....

1.Dont pre guess the trajectory - somethings can happen left of field with the minimum of warning (for example, he was a calm, compliant man, and one day stood up, said Im off, and went out the door. We followed him and he went without his stick and despite being a falls and traffic risk, marched down a steep hill and tried to catch a bus) .... that changed ours (and his to some extent) world overnight.

1. Dont underestimate the speed of decline. Not always but I cant believe the speed my father has deteriorated in two years. Like the blink of an eye.

agree about the speed of decline in some people my mum went from th start of dementia to being bedbound incontinent unable to walk and speak in just two years

@Flaked actually he had already resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't be driving again, and had said that he was selling the car. But I thought it wasn't really worth the risk and better to have someone else (an official body) tell him that he mustn't drive. Not just me.

I’m glad you’ve cancelled the Estate Agents @Stillwearingskinnies. You don’t have to argue with your DPs about the move but you also don’t have to facilitate it either.

Well done too for informing the DVLA avd I’m glad that your DF has accepted he can no longer drive.

Does he still have access to the car? My experience is that the story told to you isn’t always what is actually happening, so your DPs might be telling you that he’s no longer driving wheb actually he is. This is why so many MNers with experience recommend removing the car, the keys or a vital piece of the engine like the starter motor.

Also it’s my experience that the Woman, in this case your DM can often put pressure on the Man to continue driving long after they feel safe to do so.

So sorry you are going through this but glad to hear they are thinking proactively. I'll add brace yourself for a potential decline when they move. One of my grandmas lived in a suitable home near family so was able to stay in her space for a long time and the routines and familiarity kept her grounded and safe for a while after other things went.

My other grandma lived in a very unsuitable home so she did have to move and accepted this but struggled. When she was on the different space/ layout/ cupboards differently it was a marked decline.

I dont say this to deter you, as with my grandma sounds like it needs to happen, but just so you are aware. She got frustrated that she couldn't do the things she previously could have and blamed others for forcing the move when she had been behind it. Its a hard time

From your OP you gave the impression he was still very hush a driver and that he and your mum were reliant on him driving.

What will they decline? Stopping driving or moving?

Decline as in deteriorate, not decline as in saying no to something.

Yes, sorry, deteriorate.
@Offstroll sorry, I don't think I was very clear. Basically I have been saying to my Dad for a while that he shouldn't be driving. He was rarely driving, apparently, and over the last few months, he would pop down to the village a couple of times a month. He didn't want to drive any sort of long distance hence I collected them and brought them to my house for Christmas and dropped them home on Boxing Day.
But as I said, I told him he shouldn't be driving AT ALL. And as someone upthread mentioned, I wondered if my mum had tried to get him to drive a bit. I actually couldn't say for sure, as I don't live near them.
So to mitigate the risk, I have now done the DVLA notification as a "concern over a person's fitness to drive".

Unfortunately as long as they have keys or a car they’re likely to drive it at some point. So please make sure you take any keys and sell the car asap. The tragic accident that happened here a few years ago was by a woman who had already been reported - it doesn’t really mean anything unless they’re stopped or something awful happens.

Yes I will take the keys, absolutely. I am seeing them tomorrow.

I appreciate that someone driving with dementia is very serious and accidents may happen, but please can we try and support the OP who is facing a trying time with both her elderly DPs and living a distance away. She has notified the DVLA and she has spoken to her DF about driving.

It’s rather difficult to take away a grown ups car keys until he has actually been diagnosed with dementia. If there were hundreds of fatal accidents each year then there would be a better process in place. I believe over 80s should have some form of reflex test which could easily be done at the opticians when testing sight, rather than placing yet more burden and guilt on adult offspring.

Sorry cross posted @Stillwearingskinnies. It is good that you are taking the keys away, i hope the thread was of some use for you for support and ideas, rather than just being harangued on the driving .

@rookiemere
thank you so much, there has been a bit of an emphasis on the driving thing, but I understand why.
I have had some excellent advice and I am grateful to everyone for it and for sharing their experiences. It can feel overwhelming and sad and terrifying and this forum can (often) be a useful resource. Even if its just to know that other people have been through or are going through the same.

The fact that someone clearly without capacity to be in charge of a vehicle was driving, and that could result in innocent people being killed - does tend to focus posters’ mind on that rather than whether he should sell his home.

I would absolutely look for somewhere that has end of life care provision. This move will see a deterioration, however if they then won’t have to up sticks again to move - that will prolong capacity for as long as possible