Should my parents move to be closer to me?

[Stillwearingskinnies]

My father is 80 and my mother 79. Over the last 12 months my father has declined. He struggles to find words, struggles to complete tasks, misunderstands questions when asks, keeps losing things, forgets his pin number. 12 months ago he wrote off a car and has had a couple of bumps in the new car. His golf buddies humour him but he can't really play properly - he gets confused about which direction to play the ball, mistakes a leaf for the ball although its lovely that he can play weekly and his friends help him out.
My mother keeps repeating herself and seems confused on occasion. She is more emotional lately, she had a fall in November and we're not sure why.
My mother minimises the problems and tells little lies to cover up any issues.
I took them to the GP in November and they are now in the system and I'm waiting for their memory assessments which I think will be in Feb.
The community matron came out but at the moment mum is managing well, and on paper all is fine. But I have to help out a lot with the financial side but I live 45 - 60 minutes drive away. I have a part time job and 2 teens.
My parents started looking to move closer to me last year and the plan was to move to a bungalow. They have always been fiercely independent and do not like being told what to do. They are coming round to the idea that they might need help. My mum has a few siblings and 2 of them go round quite often as they are local. But that isn't sustainable.
I suppose the question is should they move closer to me or will that lead to problems? Should they move to a bungalow or should we look at retirement villages? I am desperate for them to be closer but would it only be good for me and not them?
Sorry for all the info. I'm in a bit of a state with everything.
I have LPA for both. They have a 3 bed house with a big garden.
Also aware that dad has to stop driving. Mum hates driving so if he doesn't drive, that takes a lot away from them.

Your more immediate issue is reporting your father to the DVLA before he kills or injures himself or someone else.

After that, you need to be certain that you are willing to provide the level of care that the two of them will need as they continue to get older and more in need. I’d be looking at supported living personally.

That's what I'm concerned about @Lentilcake
I just wish they were near so I can help more. They want to be closer to me.
I don't know what to do for the best.
They will decline anyway - the GP rightly said from now on, it will not get better. I am finding it tough not being able to see them more frequently.

Are they mentally ready to move? Do they accept that their current home is no longer suitable?

It sounds as if they both gave cognitive decline. Your father more so, to the extent that he really must stop driving.

I agree with pp, at present the best for them is to secure them in their own home - care needs assessments, OT assessment, cleaner, medicine delivery, food deliveries - either from the supermarket or somewhere like Wiltshire Farms

Moving them is probably going to make things spiral and likely to be worse for them.

Re the finances - do you have access to their bank accounts and online banking? Can you manage that remotely?

I wouldn’t move them no. That window has now closed as moving them now will just lead to a rapid decline. In fact most HCPs will advise you that if a person with Dementia moves to expect a steep and sudden decline.

Do definitely stop him driving though. You can report him to the DVLA or just come up with some excuse like taking his car to the garage to get fixed and not taking it back to him.

What support do they have now? Do they have a cleaner, a gardener and a milkman? I’ve found all of these to be helpful as it’s more people to keep an eye on your DPs.

Do they have their food delivered currently too?

Not necessarily. DH and I are similar ages to OP’s parents, with friends who have downsized recently and are happy. One has recently bought a flat in a retirement complex, everyone there is late 60s or older. Independent living without the responsibility of a house and garden, support on hand, and security. And when one partner dies, the survivor won’t be nearly so isolated as if they had remained in a large house.

It can be a weight off the family’s mind too. We are considering a flat in a complex for older people. Our DC are not local, they also have jobs and families, and we don’t want them to feel responsible for our wellbeing.

Honestly I think @Stillwearingskinnies that ship has sailed. The level of disruption from a move is not sustainable at the level of decline your parents are at.

Move them when a care home is needed.

Is there any chance if that happens at two different time lines that one can stay with you temporarily? That isn’t something I would recommend if the care needs are unsustainably high by the way.

In the meantime ficus on setting up care locally, shopping, meal services, care, cleaner, gardener. Invest time in these services to get you through this period.

I’m confused - you work part time and your Dc are teens so what is stopping you from seeing them more often? How often do you see them at the moment? I agree with the fact that them moving house now is a bad idea, particularly for your father. He lives in a house which will be very familiar to him so moving him into a new place will add to his confusion. He has friends supporting him - that would stop possibly. There are siblings that visit your dm, that would stop.
What you could do is ensure any support they may need is sourced where they currently live, take your DFs car keys off him, and get LPAs sorted out asap.
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Medicine delivery as suggested by a PP is also a really good idea. You will need to talk to their pharmacy about arranging this. When I arranged a Dossett box and delivery fkr a relative last year there was a waiting list at their Pharmacy. We had to wait a month in the end for the Dossett box system to start.

Do you have both financial and health LPA for both parents?

Re driving, I have said in no uncertain terms that my dad must stop driving and he has. He mostly stopped, just the occasional trip to the shop but I am sure he hasn't driven for a couple of weeks. I have been saying it for a while and I will contact the dvla to make it "official".
I have suggested deliveries (shopping, meals, prescriptions) and mum likes to have a reason to get out of the house.
I have talked about a cleaner but one minute mum insists she is managing, the next she moans about the size of the house. I know I need to arrange these things. Mum is so reluctant to accept help. But I have also said that even if they were close, I wouldn't and couldn't be their carer.
I know something has to change.
It's a big adjustment for everyone. I think I'm in a permanent state of shock of it all becoming real.

With kindness, you don’t have dementia.

She's got LPAs already.

Driving is top priority, please report to the DVLA and take his keys.

I wouldn't move them now either. Too late and they'll decline further.

Yes I have financial and health LPA.
I see them every week, usually at the weekend. I work mornings and I sometimes leave work at 1.00, shoot down to see them, arrive at 2.00ish, stay for a couple of hours, and go back. But it's a hideous journey and can take an hour and a half in rush hour. I can do it, but not every day.

I am seeing them today, with a long list of things to discuss. I will try and arrange more help for them.
Thank you for all the practical advice. This is a horrible thing to navigate.

If they have dementia a retirement village type place isn’t really the place for them as they are not really care homes, they are places for independent living but maybe with a little help or carers brought in. But as others have said they will deteriorate fast if you move them now and the retirement village wouldn’t suit them. You have missed the window for that. Get help in and the next step unfortunately may be a specialised care home

But presumably you don't have cognitive decline/dementia. It makes a massive difference.

Is your DM capable of understanding that things like a cleaner and food deliveries will help her stay in her home for longer?

She can still pop out of she wants to. Having a cleaner and food and medicine deliveries just makes her life a bit easier.

Could you also ask their GP for an OT assessment for them both.

I’m not able to provide much physical care either but have set things up to try and make my older relatives independent fkr as long as possible.

@Stillwearingskinnies I am just starting to navigate this journey with my DM, my sympathies to you and them.

You will probably face much resistance as my DM doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. I have started slowly with a lady who came in once a week to support her for a few hours. I didn’t call her a carer, my DM saw her more as a cleaner but built up a rapport with her so can extend hours.

Got pill boxes so can monitor medication (I fill them manually as but can get pills delivered in this way for a cost)

Get a monitoring alarm button, although may get resistance to wear.

Meals delivered, again can start slowly.

You also have to be careful not to stop what they can do safely as once stopped very hard for them to be able to do it again. So if they can cook safely you don’t want them to lose that ability but maybe simplify cooking. DM has an airfryer which turns itself off to make things safer.

Look into attendance allowance

Take the car or at least the car keys away urgently. While waiting on DVLA. Everyone faffed around with stopping my grandfather driving - he was not capable physically- but everyone didn’t want to
stop his independence, he’d only use it to nip to the shop. Of course there was a huge ‘accident’ and only then did anyone actually take real action. He came very close to killing a young person and police were involved. It was terrible. I was a teen but I remember this so vividly. The victim was 1 year older than me.

Fortunately not, but we both have ongoing health issues, DH has several life limiting conditions.

Everyone of course is different, my own DM wouldn’t move until she had no option, and in her case it was a care home. Living in appropriate older people’s accommodation has been shown to delay the need for moving into care, and reduces bed blocking in hospitals where patients can’t be discharged due to their home being unsuitable.

@Seymour5I’m glad that your friends are happy but a retirement complex is simply not a suitable place for a couple who both potentially have Dementia.

The time for moving there was years ago when they could have enjoyed the social side and made friends. Most retirement villages, most definitely any decent one, would refuse the OP’s DPs now.

@Stillwearingskinniescan I suggest two books? One is Twilight Shepherd by John Oakestone and the other is Contented Dementia.