Father in care home inappropriate comments

[nahnahnahnahnahnah]

My dad has always been misogynistic, has always been open in his thoughts that women are only useful for two things (you can guess those), has always passed inappropriate comments on women (cleaning out his things I found letters from work tribunals over the years where he’d been in trouble/suspended for this).

He kept himself in check until dementia set in.

He is 87 now with vascular dementia, went into a home self funded a year ago.

He’s making the young female staff upset with lewd and really shocking comments and requests. Really awful things.

The home have been understanding saying that dementia changes people. He’s not been changed, this is him, he just can’t keep his mouth shut anymore. They haven’t made a huge issue, it just came up when we were going over his care plan.

He has caused me so much stress over my life. So much embarrassment, so much heart ache. The last two years since he got ill are killing me. It’s just me. all other family dead.

Honestly, I feel like revoking the POA, telling the children he died and waking away.

He's ruining my life.

I had to make a formal complaint about something at the home. it’s caused me so much stress and you can’t fight them. Socail care, the cqc and the home they all collude together. You can never, ever win against them.

I wish he would die.

If its vascular how advanced is it?

Maybe you do need to step away a bit.
How often are you there at the moment? How much are you doing. Is there aspects you can stop?

Your post seems to give two separate issues, one of your father's behaviour and the other about issues with the CQC and the home.

Are the two related or are there other things going on with the CQC that are adding to the stress of the situation?

No it’s not related and it’s being dealt with.

I’m just trying to tell anyone reading about the stress he’s caused. It’s in relenting, he’s caused me stress in one way or another my whole life. I’m 43 and I want a life without him causing me stress.

I do jack shit. He’s in a home so I don’t have to do anything for him.

I visit maybe once a week and buy him clothes and biscuits.

It is okay to step away.

He is in a safe place, being looked after. You can step away.

No idea.

He was only diagnosed because he was staying with me and I called an ambulance when he was trying to climb out the window.

His Gp said he was fine even though he was taking about the old man tapped in his walls (his reflection in the mirror) and other things.

The hospital said he was fine.

I had to refuse to leave until the did tests. They did scans and said he had vascular dementia.

Then he went into a home for respite and never came out as finally people saw the behaviours I was taking about.

He's off with the fairies most of the time, confused and talking shit, or staring ahead in silence. He mostly thinks he’s still at work.

He won’t join in any activities at the home but he’s always been like that. He’s always been miserable and full of disdain for anyone having fun.

I only see him once a week for an hour or so.

But I am the only family. I’ve had to deal with everything.

Reduce your visits?

But honestly care home staff are used to people with dementia making inappropriate comments.

I know I sound so negative but I’ve got my own problems and I don’t need him causing me more.

The home has a lot of failings, as most do (I’ve worked in a lot, wouldn’t board my dog in most of them), but I’ve just dropped it now because it’s a rigged system and I don’t have the energy to fight something I won’t win.

I’ve reduced them as much as I can without him getting angry.

He’s sharp as a tack on some things still, he keeps notes of when I have visited and times down to the exact second (really).

He makes my life hell on the next visit if I’ve left it a few weeks.

Yes, but it’s not so much that it’s a lifetime of this shit from him carrying on.

He used to make comments to my school teachers and embarrass the hell out of me.

I was waiting for it to kick in again.

Personally I would try and see it as what it's like when you have children. If they misbehave it feels 100x worse because it's your child, but we don't usually pay much attention if it's someone else's child doing it.
The staff will be so used to it, even if it's the worst behaviour they've ever experienced that title has to go to someone! And I don't mean to sound unkind, but they won't have to deal with it forever. Probably it goes over their heads and they go home after a shift and forget about it all.

Be kind to yourself, step away, maybe let them know you'll be limiting your visits. But don't keep putting yourself through the stress. It will only make you ill.

Read your last comment too- if he complains you haven't visited, maybe just give a breezy excuse and move on to something else? And if he kicks off, go home. You don't have to put up with bad behaviour, you really don't.

I would take visits down to the absolute bare minimum, surely your only obligation from a duty of care perspective is to ensure the home are keeping him safe, clean and well fed?

Both my parents have / had some form of demean I've been through the same ringer, I know that feeling of wanting to Jack it all in

I wouldn't worry about this behaviour if I were you. It doesn't reflect on you at all, and the care home will unfortunately be used to it. When my mother had vascular dementia she would become quite shockingly nasty and rude, even to me and my siblings. Although she wasn't as bad as your father, her innate racism certainly came out and she was particularly nasty to carers from ethnic minorities. I felt absolutely mortified about it and apologised for her repeatedly, but they just laughed it off. I must say I really felt that they were massively underpaid for what they have to cope with.

For what it's worth, she died two years after entering the care home which apparently is bang on the average.

As soon as he starts complaining, tell him that if he doesn't stop you're walking out. And be prepared to do it. You just don't have to put up with it.

When my mother was horrible to me when she had dementia, I pointed out to her that she would never have put up with that behaviour from us and I wasn't going to put up with it from her. It seemed to get through to her and at least made her modify the way she behaved..

I really feel for you, OP, your dad sounds really hard to be around. Is he on any medication?

I had a family member, though not related by blood, who developed dementia and became inappropriate in a very difficult way. In his early life this man had been rather wild and enjoyed a scrap, but he tamed himself and was a very good friend for many years. The dementia hit, all that went away and the comments started, then the aggression and finally violence. Eventually he was sectioned and put on anti-psychotic medication which calmed him down but didn't stop him from head butting a couple of people in the care home. He lasted eight years in that state and I have to admit it was a blessing when he finally died.

My grandmother had vascular dementia and it turned her into an awful spiteful person. Her personality changed dramatically.
It got to the point where I couldn't visit her anymore as it was too distressing to see her. My mum still saw her though, as she felt too bad. Then covid came along and we couldn't see her (thank you covid!). All of the stress and heartache that she put my mum through ended up killing my mum who died far too young just a couple of months after my grandmother.

Cut the visits down, for your mental health.

no medication.

My dad is very healthy. His GP told me I was so lucky, he will live years more, you’d think he was in his 60s!

I wanted to punch her. If he lives another 8 years, I’m not sure I will.

What is it that you’re ‘fighting’? You do know that you have no obligation to visit him don’t you?

His mother developed dementia at 78. She “lived” to 104.

His aunt was the same, in a home staring at the ceiling for over a decade.

What’s the point of a healthy body when your mind has gone.

Significant safeguarding failings over an incident, failure to keep records and update care plans among a while host of things. I don’t want to go into it.

Sadly this part of vascular dementia. All sorts of nasty, or inappropriate, comments come out - even from people who were NEVER like that before. Vascular dementia changes the brain and slowly destroys it.

My dad is five years in. Non verbal, unable to walk, mostly unresponsive, incontinent, has to be fed, hasn't recognised me for three years. He was always a very calm, polite man. I was 18 before I heard him swear. Since he started to decline he's been aggressive, rude, offensive, violent - as well as upset, happy, sad, confused. Now he's none of them.

This disease is brutal for anyone who comes in contact with it. I hear you OP.