Father in care home inappropriate comments

[nahnahnahnahnahnah]

My dad has always been misogynistic, has always been open in his thoughts that women are only useful for two things (you can guess those), has always passed inappropriate comments on women (cleaning out his things I found letters from work tribunals over the years where he’d been in trouble/suspended for this).

He kept himself in check until dementia set in.

He is 87 now with vascular dementia, went into a home self funded a year ago.

He’s making the young female staff upset with lewd and really shocking comments and requests. Really awful things.

The home have been understanding saying that dementia changes people. He’s not been changed, this is him, he just can’t keep his mouth shut anymore. They haven’t made a huge issue, it just came up when we were going over his care plan.

He has caused me so much stress over my life. So much embarrassment, so much heart ache. The last two years since he got ill are killing me. It’s just me. all other family dead.

Honestly, I feel like revoking the POA, telling the children he died and waking away.

How he was in the past sounds very difficult. I can imagine the stress it's caused you over the years.
However, please be reassured that making lewd comments and requests is actually extremely common amongst senile old men. I remember I did a work placement at an old people's home when I was still at school. Before they even let me meet the old people they took me in to the office and warned me that the old people had no filter and would make sexual requests of me. I was very innocent and quite taken aback when one old boy asked me for a blow job!
The staff there will have dealt with it many times. You sound mortified but honestly they've heard it all before.
Please remember you're not responsible for what he says and does. Even he isn't now! It's the disease.

Stop visiting as often. The care your father is receiving is self funded. Let them do their job. You owe him nothing. Protect your own mental health and take comfort in the fact you have made sure he is being taken care of.

I think you need some help making a shift in perspective, honestly. You keep saying you hate him - and who could blame you - but you also keep dodging away from the fact that the person with all the power in this situation is you and you have freely made the choice to inflict more of his bullshit on yourself. You say he's your only link to the past but you've revealed pretty clearly that that past was miserable. You say you have no one else but you have a husband and several children. That's a lot, more than many people have.

It's OK to grieve that he's not the dad you wanted, that you never got the family life you deserved when you were younger. But keeping going to see your dad isn't helping you. You seem very stuck. I would suggest trying to have a few sessions with a therapist if you can and talk about what you want for your life now. If you want friends - you can make them. Spend time doing that instead of going to see your father. Or if you choose to keep going, make peace with the fact that you're doing it of your own free will