Father in care home inappropriate comments

[nahnahnahnahnahnah]

My dad has always been misogynistic, has always been open in his thoughts that women are only useful for two things (you can guess those), has always passed inappropriate comments on women (cleaning out his things I found letters from work tribunals over the years where he’d been in trouble/suspended for this).

He kept himself in check until dementia set in.

He is 87 now with vascular dementia, went into a home self funded a year ago.

He’s making the young female staff upset with lewd and really shocking comments and requests. Really awful things.

The home have been understanding saying that dementia changes people. He’s not been changed, this is him, he just can’t keep his mouth shut anymore. They haven’t made a huge issue, it just came up when we were going over his care plan.

He has caused me so much stress over my life. So much embarrassment, so much heart ache. The last two years since he got ill are killing me. It’s just me. all other family dead.

Honestly, I feel like revoking the POA, telling the children he died and waking away.

I think you have to think about how much you are ‘letting’ this damage you.

He is in a place of (relative) safety. You owe him nothing. You may have POA but you can choose to exercise that in a very minimal way - pay care home fees electronically, make medical decisions that the care home or GP require you to when they contact you. If the care in the home is dramatically unsafe, call the care regulator / inspection body and complain, rather than taking it up personally.

And that is it. You don’t gave to visit. You certainly don’t gave to stay in the room if he is rude to you. You can agree with the staff that his behaviour is disgusting, and not ‘own’ the shame of it at all. You seem more affected by it than you ‘need’ to be.

i get that he’s vulnerable and you feel ethically bound to support him.
however you don’t have to take his behaviour towards you. If he has capacity to retain the dates (and times!!) of your visits he has capacity to remember that you will not visit if he is abusive towards you. So tell him you will cut the visit short. Or tell him it is all too much and you will visit only every 2/3 weeks. Yes you’ll get his frustration and disappointment when you are there but then you can get on with your own life for a bit longer before the next.
coukd he pay for a befriender to visit? Mind you they won’t last if he’s as you describe.

So difficult for you. Keeping records of your visits and upsetting you (as well as the care staff). He is abusive. What still ties you to him? I don't think anyone would blame you if you cut out the visits completely.

If he lives another 8 years, I’m not sure I will.

Sadly, I know what you mean. I hope you're all released from this soon.

Well then I’d limit the visits to once a month and if he kicks off just leave.

Dementia is horrific and draining enough when you love and respect the person - if you have very little relationship with them in the first place then be selfish and put your mental health first.

It sounds like you have done more than enough looking after him before he went in the home. He’s safe and being looked after.

Look after yourself.

I'm confused too, from what you're saying if have picked up right he's physically healthy and isn't affected by dementia yet? Sorry if this is wrong!

Yes this. You do need to step back for your own mental health.
I work in a Dementia nursing home. Believe me we've heard it all. We get sworn at and our bums tapped as we go past. I get kissed on top of my head by a tall man regularly. I don't take offence. We do ask them to stop and they do for a few minutes or if lucky a day. But we know what we are dealing with.
They have your phone number and will call if you are needed for anything. Drop a week each month then drop to a monthly visit and ask them to call if he needs anything.

God no, friends annoy him. He’s never had any. I can’t tell you what a miserable bastard he’s always been.

Is it worth asking if they could consider putting him on anti-depressants or similar? It's distinctly possible that at least some of his behaviour results from depression and frustration at his situation and anti-depressants might help.

This.

If your feeling is that your dad has caused you unhappiness your whole life - then maybe now is the time to step back as he is being cared for .

Sadly the impact of vascular dementia is that it can change the personalities of really lovely people into making inappropriate comments and also into thinking that their family members haven't visited - even if they have dropped into see them every day .

No, the dementia effects him.

But doctors marvel about how healthy his body is. You’d think he was in his 60s from tests, heart, lungs etc. He’s very strong. Not a frail old man like most are at 87.

When I used to take him to appointments they would always double check his age - he looks like he’s in his 60s physically too.

He is on anti depressants, sorry.

Because he kept saying he wanted to kill himself.

But he’s been threatening suicide to keep me in line since I was a child. He’s not depressed he’s manipulative.

And to answer why I keep seeing him.

Because I have no one else. My mum died when I was a child. I have no siblings. I have no friends (i was bullied all the way through school, so don’t have any old friends, didn’t do uni, always been a sAHM or worked nights usually on my own in small units, moved around a lot as an adult).

My in laws hate me (I am the wrong colour for them) and while I am married, that causes friction with my husband.

So my dad is all I’ve got.

I’ve got children ranging from a baby to an adult, but no one to lean on.

Visiting once a week is actually a huge burden when you don't like the person you're visiting. You don't need to maintain a relationship with him if you don't want to. He's safe (or as safe as you can get him) and cared for. It's ok to walk away. It's also upto you whether you want to be POA or not. You can't change your mind about that if you give it up though, so perhaps walk away on a personal level but maintain POA to start with, see how that goes and give up POA later if you find you can't deal with that either. If the staff are telling you things he's said or done that has upset them, tell them not to tell you about it. You're not there for them to offload onto and you can't do anything about his behaviour. I'd tell them he's always thought this way and now has lost the filter of what not to say due to dementia. Knowing he really is awful might make them feel better about their own emotions and not feel as if they're hating on a person with dementia who can't help it.

Can you explain this? It's difficult to understand when you are saying that dealing with him is killing you and you can't cope if he lives much longer.

But your father isn't someone to lean on either, is he? He is yet another person who is leaning on you.

I’m not saying he is.

But he’s my only link to the past. it’s complicated.

He’s my only link to the past.

But like many people with a family member witt dementia, everything about it is hard.

You want it to be over for everyone. The person to as it’s a living hell for them.

Get some counselling and stop going to see him.

But if he died, as you're hoping, he won't be there as a link to the past will he? So if you'd prefer him dead why do you keep visiting so regularly? It's hurting you isn't it? Is it that him dying will get rid of the guilt you think you'd feel (or know you'd feel) if you don't visit?

My mum had Alzheimer's. Luckily for me she was a lovely mum. But, after four years of battling for her, endless late night phone calls when she thought it was morning and A&E visits from falls etc., whilst trying to look after our young DS whilst DH worked away I felt exhausted when she went into a home. I also visited every week without fail. Then one day I realised that I was revolving everything around her, DS, DH, work and nothing around me. My GP said 'if something happens to you, your family will feel it. You need to give yourself a break before you break'. So I cut down to every other week. Mum didn't notice the difference.

If you did the same and your dad pulled the 'beating his chest' routine then tell him you'll cut back further unless he behaves. He can't contact you. He can't make your life hell unless you sit there and take it. Don't. Walk away. You have control now. Make it work for you. Because you either keep that link to the past on your terms or you wait for him to die and the link is gone forever. He can't hurt you now because you can walk away and he can't.

@nahnahnahnahnahnah

If it was me I'd phone the home once a week and visit once a month

Don't put yourself thru it anymore you don't have to do this. He won't remember whether your there or not but this is clearly distressing you and life is too short ❤️

My dad will be the same. I have no words of wisdom but sending you a hug. I get it x

He's allowed to feel whatever he feels so don't try to prevent him feeling angry, it's not your job to manage his emotions.

You don't have to listen to him if he's taking his anger out on you. He's literally controlling your life with emotional abuse, from his room in a care home. You don't have to tolerate it. You can walk away every time he's rude to/about you or says something nasty to someone or makes a barbed comment. You don't have to put up with any of it. If that means your visit lasts 10 seconds, it's on him. If he wants a longer visit he has to be respectful. It's ok for you to put your own needs first.

It's ok to consider your wants too. If you don't want to visit a person you don't like or get along with, that's fine and you don't have to, even if he does happen to be your father. You're tied to him by a lifetime of mental abuse and the effect that's had on you. What you need to realise is you can cut those ties any time you like. You don't need to live like this. He doesn't have to give you your freedom, you've already got it, all you need to do is own it.

Dementia or not, your are describing a man who has been abusive to you, and continues to be abusive. I get that you want a link to the past. But you need to come to a decision about whether that link is worth the abuse. If not, cut down your visits.