Visiting dad in care

[user1494670108]

I visit my dad who has fairly advanced dementia most weeks staying for about an hour (often a little less).
I really struggle to know what to chat to him about and we end up sitting in silence. A lot of what I say doesn't get heard or go in - if I talk about the kids or holidays etc, and talking about "home" or his relatives (many of whom are dead) will often upset him. He's no concept of current affairs and then weather doesn't take long.
We have the same conversations every week which is fine but I end up feeling really awkward during the silences - any help anybody please?
I do take the dog which helps but even so I struggle and honestly I go because I should more than because I want to

I remember how hard it was with FIL.

Can you take in photos, or old things, and get him to talk about them?
Depending on age, e.g. memories of the war, or the moon landings, or holidays as a child? FIL was much better on stuff from 50 years ago than yesterday.

Also, he may not mind the silences, and just be happy having your companionship.

How about playing some music, that way he gets to enjoy listening to some of his old favourite tracks and also creates a nicer atmosphere?

There's a charity that does music playlists for dementia people.

My DDad has dementia and whilst he is at home he struggles with conversations. Does (did) your DDad have any hobbies? Could you take along some books / magazines (can be the same) each week and talk through the pictures.
When you talk to your dad are you in a room along without distractions?
Can you take along something that your DC have made? Treats, pictures etc.
I am sure that your DDad appreciates your presence, even if he can't articulate it.

Is he able to have a game of cards or dominoes? Music is a good idea and maybe an audio book to listen to, libraries usually have a great selection to borrow.

I made a photo album which was useful to talk through. It’s hard though. We used to sit outside the home, making a list of things to talk about before we visited.

He probably just enjoys seeing you. You might try visiting for only half an hour.

I read to my mother : Just So stories are good. Or we sing. She really enjoys a good go at Bread of Heaven.

Puzzles might work, this site has some www.unforgettable.org/shop

I keep meaning to get some playdoh to try her out on.

My gran who is 90 and has dementia likes to colour.

My mum is pretty much non verbal, has no interest in photos or anything really, so I feel for you. Last time we visited she had a strop as us being there meant not sitting at her normal table so she walked off to it.
Will he sit in a wheelchair so you can take him outside and throw a ball for the dog while he watches? Mum likes the dogs, and tbh going out anywhere is better than sitting in silence.

talking about things that happened years ago helps, just memories, jobs they used to do, places they used to go etc. My mum is only moderate but she still enjoys this and I learnt loads of things, details just remembers an amazing about

I visit my dad every other day. I know exactly what you mean. Our conversations are usually very one sided. I avoid conversations about home life because it confuses him, he thinks I live in the carehome with him! I also feel guilty that I have a home life away from him and don't like to rub it in! We often watch quizzes on TV together because he always enjoyed them before dementia and I find that it helps to spark conversation. He doesn't remember from one visit to the next what we talked about last time so even though I repeat myself constantly I think he just enjoys the company. I try to be enthusiastic in my chats and sometimes embellish them for entertainment purposes. "You'll never guess what happened in Sainsbury this morning!" or I tell him about DHs long commute to work because of traffic. Also standard grumpy old man conversation, traffic, queues, prices etc.

Is he mobile? Can you walk the dog together?
Does he like tactile things? Hand massage can be soothing, do his nails?
Ask his advice on a problem.
Take something that you need to do, a letter to write to a mutual relative, birthday cards to prep - could he write the addresses maybe, and just talk about it - stream of consciousness kind of thing.
Does he recognise you? Do the carers say he talks about you when you are not there? Did you and he talk a lot before he was ill?

Do you have something like knitting you can take with you? Maybe then lulls in conversation won’t seem so awkward, rather more like companionable silence.

As an OT working with people with dementia I would suggest taking things for him to look at. For example take a box or basket with items that he may be interested in that he can rummage through , things with interesting textures or smells.
Or things such as tools or things related to sports he used to like.
You will need to engage him by saying things about the items and offering them to him to touch and explore.
Or take beanbags and a bin to make a game, or a balloon to bat around.
Or you could try taking tasty titbits to eat .
Or a glossy magazine or book and talk about the pictures with him. Ask him which car, flower he likes best etc
The aim is to engage with him and make a connection rather than trying to have a long conversation.