elderly dad

[The80sweregreat]

I cant do links, but have written a few times on here about my dad who is now 96 and lives alone.
Since i last wrote about him, we now have a formal diagnoses of ' moderate mixed dementia, Alzheimers' ( sp?)
we are going to have an extra carer come in now in the mornings as the last few weeks he has been getting up later and later - eating breakfast around 10am which was unheard of even a few weeks ago. He has had loads more UTi's as well and currently on two a day antibiotics - he was taking one a day as a preventative but that has stopped as not good for his kidney readings.
This course finishes this week and i just know he will get another one - he was terrible on last week. completely manic, shutting all the curtains up as the voices told him too - really hard to calm down.
being so bad in the mornings now and not getting a proper conversation out of him - its so hard and my brother is still very anti a care place for him - despite leaving the door open a few times in the mornings and having trouble getting out of the bath ( he forgot to put his board across) and generally just being completely forgetful. He even called the police as he was convinced there was a 'riot' going on the other week. they just reasurred him. then left him to it, didnt even tell us, a neighbour got in contact with us about that.

Has anyone got power of attorney for him. His GP needs to do a capacity assessment, you can ask social services to do a home assessment. He sounds very unsafe and vulnerable at home. Why is your brother so against a carehome when it may be the best and safest option.

Is it the financial side of care homes, that doesn't sit well with your brother ?
Your DF is very vulnerable, at his age his safety is paramount.
I agree with everything @retirednow says.

Dad is self funding - has enough savings for about a year or so. No other assests at all. Its not the cost, its the fact he cant bring himself to think about doing it i think. He ( brother) knows someone in a decent place but they hate it and he keeps saying that dad will hate it too. We have poa in place for financial and health. I know my dad will be a nightmare to move but i cant see any other way forwards- my life is on hold as every week theres a problem ( none of us live near him either, its an hour drive for me) and the docs just blame him for not drinking enough water and do not seem to take these infections seriously ( i dont think they do ) there must be an underlying reason he gets one every two weeks! Anyone had this at all? I feel like the only one at times.

He really doesn't sound safe at all, I would call his GP and the adult safeguarding team, he is 96 for goodness sake. Of course he may not drink enough, always get to the loo on time or be able to wash properly. I would arrange to meet his GP and insist they do an assessment. Preferably at a time when you can be there.

His had all this. The social worker has said we need to think anout a placement. The GP is aware of the situation. We 've been going round in circles since early last summer. I want him to go into a home and feel bad for thinking this. Guilt. My family think more carers is the way to go. We need to agree and it seems we cant. I am so fed up i feel as if i dont want to carry on sometimes. I know my family mean well but trying to care remotely like this isnt working either. They think we can 'soldier on' - iwent over last week with a terrible cold as it was my turn to do things. I didnt sign up for this! ( i know i sound self pitying )

there may not be an underlying issue with the infections, it may just be that like the GP says he isn't getting enough fluids and that he is elderly and prone to infection.

One possibility to consider is asking if social services will look at a short term care placement (3 - 4 weeks) with a view to assessing his needs and getting his infections under control. It might be that after being looked after for a few weeks you get a better idea of how he is functioning if he is eating and drinking properly, in which case you can start to look at him possibly returning home with a care package, or if this is now his new normal and more long term options need to be considered.

If he only has cash savings and no other assets its unlikely he will have to fund much of his care for very long, and social services/ NHS may fund instead.

Ask your brother if he thinks your dad is happy now. It's pretty miserable being ill and dehydrated all the time with voices and delusions. Yes he's not going to be his old self just because of a care home but it does not sound at all reasonable to stick with this. You might have to be the 'bad guy' because someone has to make a grown up decision here. Hatgirl's post makes complete sense.

He does eat okay, not huge amounts but enough. Even respite care isnt seen as ' any good' - both my bro and sil are so anti moving him.
He goes on about not wanting to move - he will not go willingly i know. He gets so upset and the voices tell him we're trying to move him!
He doesnt mind the carer he has and is happy to pay for another one.
I just dont think its enough.
Its making me so down. I feel that this could carry on for years snd years! I feel guilty if i go a few days and dont see him.

Who actually has poa. I agree that a short term respite might be the way forward, if he doesnt qualify for social services fiunding then he could pay for it, probably about 1k a week but a residential home would be a bit cheaper. You sound like you need a break, it's very hard being a carer.

I feel my life isnt my own. Im his daughter - i dont really want to be a carer but its what ive become! ( i onow i sound so selfish) i do it all but its never enough. I can just see a big black hole and months and months of this 'soldiering on' - his always been difficult and now his even worse. He wont give an inch. He has never made it easy for any of us. We all have poa.
Sorty, its turned into a rant. I just want to run away. Mo support at hime either, dh thinks im too soft.

It won't carry on for years and years.

Given his age and ill health there will eventually be a 'crisis' - he will fall, or get very ill at home with an infection, or will have a mental health episode and will be transferred to hospital. It may not be the first time he ends up in hospital, it may take a couple of admissions, but eventually it will be suggested that he doesn't go home. Your brother may disagree, and if you both hold POA for health jointly and it is felt your dad doesn't have mental capacity this will mean that there will need to be a Best Interests Meeting to determine what happens. If he isn't fit to go home with a package of care then the decision will be made to transfer him to a care home instead.

I'm sure you and the social worker are probably on the same wavelength and want to prevent this crisis from happening in the first place, but ultimately you aren't the only players in the situation currently so unfortunately you may just have to let it deteriorate to the point of no return to end up with a solution.

Do you think your dad is still happy at home and just isn't aware he is struggling or are there any signs he is actually unhappy and possibly frightened by stuff that isn't real?

Just offering you a handhold OP, it's a very difficult time, a lot of us have been where you are now, and can identify with you.Dont feel guilty, you can't do anymore than your best. It's extremely hard trying to monitor someone from afar. I hope you manage to find somewhere suitable for your Father soon. Reach out, there's lots of help out there.🌺

I am so sorry OP

Can you act individually under the POA?

When we were considering a care home for my DF (in hospital suffering from cancer/dementia) and my DM was feeling guilty as she thought she should be looking after him as his wife, a lovely nurse said whilst he is at home you are more his carer than anything else, once he is in a home the people looking after him will be his carers and you can go back to being his wife. Unfortunately he died before he could be moved.

Could you try and persuade your DB that you would have much more quality time with your DF if he was in a home, and hopefully he would have a better quality of life if he was being monitored more closely to ensure he was hydrated enough etc

Hi everyone, thank you for the support. not something i get much of at home really and i dont have anybody to discuss it with.
My family mean well, they are lovely people and do so much for my dad, but this seems to be a sticking point for them.
MY dad doesnt help as he is always going on about not wanting to move and then gets upset about it.
I guess we will have to wait for the critical time to happen. i feel bad for feeling bad about it all - i dont cope with him that well when he is bad ( usually when he has a UTI) and he ends up shouting at me all the time. He has never been good at listening to a woman ! anyway, thanks again everyone.

You need to look after yourself.

As is commonly said on here only give what you can emotionally/financially/ physically afford to give to the situation. If your brother wants to be the one to keep him at home as long as possible then he should be the one taking on the majority of that emotional and practical burden to make that happen. Support as much as you are happy to do, but don't enable an unsafe situation to continue longer than it naturally would do at your own emotional expense.

The guilt you feel oozes out of your posts and that's no way to live the last few years of your dads life. Step back, try and accept the situation for what it is - largely out of your control until the family at large are forced into making a decision.

There isn't always a solution you can influence and accepting that can help get a bit of emotional freedom back rather thinking you should be able to solve the problem somehow.

Are you the main point of contact for the social worker/carers etc by any chance?