Dad cannot cope with mum

[dement19]

Dad does not cope with mum, cannot accept she has dementia and alzheimers and does not have the patience needed. What can I do? His blood pressure is high and he has tinnitus and now he shouts at me as well as mum

Dementia and Alzheimers are horrible. The person you know and love slowly (or sometimes rapidly) being lost. My grandmother had Alzheimers. I found it almost like a sort of grieving period with the person still present. My grandpa lost himself for a while too. All his hobbies and activities went on hold whilst he went from Alpha male with a careing nurse wife to learning that theres a drawer on a washing machine where you put powder in (and liquid all gets used whilst powder leaves a residue) and food has expiry dates.

When my granny died some years later the emotion was very confusing because I'd grieved for her ill years and almost felt relief for the loss of shell she'd become and for my Grandpa as he was so tired, alongside grief for the person she had been.

Fortunately medication has come on to slow progression and so has society, if you have the fight in you to get support. Your dad will be entitled to a carers assessment by the local council. They will hopefully help with a respite package, usually some negotiation can occur to make this propper respite. He may also be able to get home support workers into help with some of the physical care elements so whilst he is no doubt having to do a lot more domestic tasks some of the dignity elements like helping wash he may be able to get assistance with.

Money makes a big difference. If you/ they can afford to buy in help, use nursing homes/ daycentres for day or holiday stays the time to be a person in your own right helps. If it really is too much now for your dad then would you consider a nursing home?

Does your dad get any respite to be himself and have activity/ hobby time, or is he lost under the weight if this massive life change?

He has no hobbies or interests, just won't sleep and spends as much time as he can on the app we are writing.

We've had a carer assessment and they were due to start on Monday but I don't think she will be discharged then.

He does not want to accept mums illness and he has little to do with it. I do most of the hospital visits, get mum washed and changed etc, he has very little to do with it.

I wirk in a locked Dementia Ward.

I think you should look into getting her into one of them.

Yoyr Dad isn't coping. It will be only a matter time before your Mum ends up neglected, starts having falls, etc. Not wilfully neglected. But you can't expect an elderly person to be caring for an elderly demented person. It is near impissible to do so and still keep your own health.

Demntia sufferers need 24/7 in a locked up place, where they can roam and still be very safe, with carers on hand.

Most of our Dementia sufferers come in not in the best of conditions. Problems with their hygiene, due to being resistive to cares etc, usually nasty skin issues, sores, just general unhealthiness, because despite family thinking they are doing the right thing...... they fail, because they can't see how bad it has gotten.

Do yoyr family and Dad a huge favour and put your Mum into care. You will find after settling in, she'll do very well. Better than out in the big wide scary world.

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes.

If your Mum is constantly spending time in hospital, you really should put her into a Dementia Unit.

The burden will be off everyone's shoulders. Your Dad can visit her anytime without needing to do the hardwork. You can stop worrying.

They are good places to live these days.

Flossy , i find concerning that you think all people with dementia need locking up. That is absolutly not true- and illegal. There are assessments, eligibility and mental capacity/best interest to consider before that happens.

Most people who are in secure placements havent just suddenly got dementia and placed there, there is a whole spectrum of dementia and how it affects people, particularly in the early stages. Its well known that moving people whith dementia can be detrimental and people can and do manage in thier own homes very well with the right level of support.

OP i would recommend contacting ageuk or Alzheimer's society for some support. If a carers assessment is being carried out thats good also an assessment of your mums needs to make sure you all have the right advice and support.

Thanks for your replies, mum isn't too bad (when she doesn't have infections) she just cannot remember where to go to the toilet and this irritates dad.

Dad would not put her into care, we had to fight the doctor to put her in a community hospital last month.

I don't see how it would help, he would still feel guilty, maybe worse and he won't let her go into care either so I am stuck with an akward b*** who is worse than mum to deal with (both in their 60s by the way)

It is NOT illegal to put elderly Dementia sufferers into locked wards, if they are a danger to themselves or others.

We have Residents who are only in the beginning stages to badly affected. Some just need extra watching to others who cannot feed themselves anymore.

Yes, you can have sudden onset Dementia. Not all forms build up over time. Vascular Dementia is a sudden form of Dementia. Caused by a stroke. Fine one moment, have a stroke and survive it not knowing who you are, being violent etc. I also take care of Residents who suffer from this.

It is so very difficult for family members to care for loved ones affected by this. If your Dad is having trouble dealing with your Mum not knowing where the toilet is, he is not going to be able to cope when things like her day/nights blur into one. When she's up half or all the night. When she's wondering and he can barely go to the toilet.

It was just an idea sbout putting your Mum into a home. Mamy families feel guilt. But homes are not like they use to be. Mine is wonderful. They have activities everyday, a lovely garden they are free to wander around etc. It is not like being put in gaol.

If your Dad is unable to handle this now.... or unwilling to, not his fault. It is very difficult to watch a loved one suffer Dementia. Eventually he'll fall ill or SS will have to get involved when it becomes too much and it will then be completely out of his hands.

If your Mum is only in her 60's, it is then early onset dementia. Which is quite hard on carers, because the sufferer is still pretty strong and will fight any attempts at care.

Also remember, having a revolving door of carers visiting your home can be upsetting for the sufferer. In a residential setting, they try to keep the change of carers to a minimum. At least where I work. To help Residents.

I wish you luck.

It isn't illegal Flossy but it's also daft to say it is apprpriate for all people with dementia.

When my granny was in the early stages we made signs for the doors like toilet, kitchen, bedroom. We also labeled cupboards with the obvious in the kitchen like cups and glasses, tea bags, fridge - milk (it was a modern kitchen with the fridge built in which she found very confusing).

Photo books can also help if people recognition becomes a problem. A sort of aid memoir of pictures of people who regularly visit and a little paragraph about who they are and what their relationship to your mum is. My granny was fine with people she'd known 20 years plus but people like the community nurse who'd visit every week she'd not recall.

Music memory is something i'd have loved to explore with her but it was something i've read about subsequently. It seams to be that great relaxation can be had by playing familiar music from her youth.

One for the future is planning where you keep keys and locking the door when you're in. Wondering can be a bit of an issue. Either stepping out with intent to go somewhere and getting locked out and unable to get back in or just going for a walk and being lost. We put name and address labels in coats, cardigans, handbag (she never wondered without her handbag).

As PP says not all homes are bad and some are actually good and offer a better environment than many of us can offer at home. Quietly gathering a little information on whats out and about wouldn't hurt, when you feel ready. If you find a good one and they'd do respite sessions it could open up an option for your dad to use them for respite and slowly move towards the idea, if he ever needs more than the odd day/week down the line it may not be quite as daunting.

Flossy I am similarly alarmed by your posts. Not all people living with dementia need locking up. Not all people who have vascular dementia suddenly become affected to the level you indicate.
Many people can live well with dementia, outside of a locked-in environment. Many people who's dementia has progressed can remain living independently, with appropriate support. Many people who live with dementia do need the type for 24/7 care that your place of employment provides.

And there's a whole range of levels of the affects of dementia in between.
Dementia is the opposite of a black and white diagnosis. Each person living with dementia is an individual with individual needs.

Flossy it IS illegal if done without thier consent and/without a legal process recorded- i attend court regularly to make these desicions.
If social services are involved it will not become out of families hands, i am again concerned about the information you are giving on here. I get the impression you work with people of very high level needs and dont realise the years before a person gets to that point. I would suggest you spend time in the community working or volunteering with people living with dementia in thier own homes to get a better understanding.

Sorry to derail.