Finance & SAHDs

[spiralqueen]

My DH is about to become a SAHD for the foreseeable future. He's happy about it apart from not wanting to have to ask me for cash for spending money. We don't have joint account and he would like to maintain his own account.

I know women in the same boat over the years have had the same issue, but how do you SAHDs feel/do about it?

I'm thinking about setting up a standing order into his account - does this work for other people?

I think you need to have designated 'family money' as well as personal spending money (assuming there is some left over at the end of the month). Could you set up a joint account just for household expenses, and work out a budgt of how much needs to go in there, how much you will transfer to him for spending, and how much you keep in your account?

Why dont you just create a shared bank account in general? I mean you are married so what is the problem? Then no one would feel like this cos you share everything as a family. Or have you decided thats something you deffinately dont want to do?

My DH and I have been the SAHP at different times and because we share everything it didnt make a scrap of difference to either of us.

BrokkenHarted he'd like his own personal account so that he can spend it (not that there would be huge amounts of it) on whatever he pleases without feeling he has to justify it because it's coming out of the main account. Plus he'd like to be able to treat me to things every now and again without it coming out of the communal pot - even though ultimately everything comes out of the one budget IYSWIM.

Yeah i can understand that but in this situation surely it would be better to take money out of a joint bank with his own card to spend on you etc than having to ask for money from you to buy you things. (an example) Anyway i hope he is comfortable with whatever you chose to do

I've been in the situation where I was very much the lower earner, with my ex-wife. No kids involved then, but we had a joint account into which both of our salaries were paid, and which we both used for everything.

There was a definite feeling between us that any money left over in there after bills was more hers than mine - I didn't feel that I could buy her a treat or a surprise as she would find out. I know that it should be that in a relationship everything gets shared, but if you are the one who is not in the position of power (ie the main breadwinner) it can be very demoralising not to feel that you have the independence to choose what you spend money on.

To make a sweeping generalisation, men can't understand why women spend so much on shoes, and women can't understand why men spend so much on football.

The point is that there are times when each of you will want to spend money on something that the other might not entirely agree with. As long as that money is relatively disposable, it makes sense that both of you should have some money that you can call your own.

Now that I have a DS, my DP is a SAHM and, having (finally) qualified I'm able to support the family financially. I've got a standing order to transfer money into DP's account, so that is effectively her 'salary' for the month.

We feel that this is a good compromise, as it allows her to keep her independence.

'position of power'

It is actually all down to pride really. If i have found out i have been bought a treat before hand it still makes me feel just as special.

We ask each other if we can buy x, y, z and as long as we are not running low and the thing is not ridiculous its no problem. (apart from gifts for each other which can be kept secret - or if asked about using responded by a wink and 'never you mind')

I have never understood married people having seperate bank accounts.

you need to just talk to him and tell him not to be so silly (if he gets uncomfortable) that you love him and dont mind sharing your money with him.

It is pride really isnt it?

Maybe i am wrong. anyway i have waffled long enough

Im a SAHD, wife works and we each have an account of our own, and a joint cheque and savings account.

We sat down and looked to see how much money we had coming in and going out each month, then worked out how much we could each have separately, after wifes payday a standing order goes to each of our own accounts. We also have some money go to the savings account so that we have some money for a rainy day/unforseens. Agree that its nice to have our own money which is ours to do with it what we want.

If you can have all the accounts at the same bank, it would make it easier as you can do all your banking online.

DH is a SAHD and we each have our own accounts as well as a joint one. The joint one pays all the standing orders (mortgage, bills etc); DH tends to use his own account to do all the grocery shopping etc.

My DH is similar to yours - he would rather die than ask me for money; instead, I just tend to give him a decent size check every month or 2 which he puts in his account. Also, if possible I try to be around when he opens his bank statement as it gives me the opportunity to say something along the lines of "Need a top up? Hang on, I'll write you a check..."

But yes, a standing order is a good idea (and probably less hassle than my way ) But bear in mind that you may need to monitor it a bit to make sure the money is sufficient for what he needs.

We have

1. a "house account" into which DW's full-time salary and my p/t earnings goes. Expenditure flows out (incl mortgage, bills, petrol, and most of what is spent on DD)

Then the rest goes, by standing order, to

1. a "joint account", for eating out, esp with mutual friends
2. each of our "personal accounts" (the same amount to each).