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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

men, is it wrong to tell your dp that he needs to "tone" up......

24 replies

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 16:41

ok, so basically he asked me if i thought he was fat.

i said no, as he isn't big, but does have a little spare. i tried to tell him as nicely as possible as he kept asking me.

he's now really upset and says he feels like a blob etc, and doesn't want to be a fat dad.

thats upset me, and i'm now wondering if i should have said anything at all, and if there is any way i can encourage him if he wants to do this without sounding like a complete biatch.

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ThatBigGermanPrison · 29/08/2008 16:43

Ohhh dear, I think this is tantamount to pointing out that you have a saggier bag after having a baby.....

I think you're just going to have to blow him. A Lot.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2008 16:45

It's perfectly OK to tell him as long as you do it tactfully and he is quite sure that you are only motivated by love for him ie you think he should lose a few pounds so that he can be healthier and you can have a happier, longer, fitter life together

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 16:51

not had the baby yet, but thanks for the heads up on that one!!!

i did try and do the 'as your GF i dont think you should, it's up to you', but all he keeps saying is, your ex's where slim, my mates BF is slim...... so you get the picture.
the trouble is, he is a naturally broad guy, and i think he would look really odd slim (as slim as he wants to be)

i thought us women were bad! but OMG men

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bubblagirl · 29/08/2008 16:52

i wouldnt say anything really i have said i love you the way you are darling if you want to tone up do it for you but i dont see anythin g wrong

as my belly is awful since having ds and if he said to me i think you need to tone up id be distraught id want him to love me for me as long as my health isnt at risk but id be aware by that point

bossykate · 29/08/2008 16:53

i think stocky men are much more attractive. i always thinking being with a skinny guy would be like hugging a bunch of sticks.

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 16:58

i do love him unconditionally, just as he is, but he keeps going on about it.

he is 6ft2, and weighs 18 stone, plus he is very stocky, but keeps saying there is a difference between stocky and fat. nothing i say is working......and i have now been roped into promisin i will not let him eat more than 1500 calories a day!!!! it's getting worse.

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duomonstermum · 29/08/2008 17:08

well mine is 6'4 and 19st and because he is so broad around the chest (even when he was thinner) his GP has told him to not go below 16ish or he would look terrible. if he's naturally broad then if he lost weight it would look wierd imo. now if someone could tell me how to fatten up DH's legs i would be grateful.... if he does weights he gets all built up on top and then there these skinny legs (which he inherited from his mum). he tried building up his legs but they just went stringy, like a marathon runners legs. if he's adamant that he wants to tone up thats fine but i think to restrict his calorie intake by that much is not good. that calorie intake is what is recomended for a woman of av height and build, not a tall strapping man. i think the recomended intake for an av man is about 2000-2500 but i'm not sure....

ThatBigGermanPrison · 29/08/2008 17:09

He doesn't need a diet unless he's eating absolute shite. He needs to go to the gym, and turn it all into muscle.

1500 calories is about what I eat when on a diet, and I am a 12 stone 5'3" inactive woman!

ThatBigGermanPrison · 29/08/2008 17:10

Tell him how protected he makes you feel, and pinch his arse a bit.

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 17:13

i have tried to tell him that would be really bad health wise to eat so few calories. plus he is adamant his "ideal" weight is 13-14 stone!!!!

im hoping this now becomes a passing phase and he just decides to go gym instead of trying to loose so much weight.

if not i will drag his ass down to the doctors to prove to him he is a healthy size/wiehgt for his height and build.

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Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 17:17

tbh since being PG i have found him irristable!!!

maybe i should just use that to my advantage and keep him locked in the bedroom, he can work out that way lol

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duomonstermum · 29/08/2008 17:34

well according to the dietian that DH should be aiming for 13st something tells me she wasn't accounting for build... he could always call in at his GP and they might be able to give him a more realistic goal. and seeing as muscle weighs more than fat he might end up maintaining the weight but becoming more buff

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 17:40

i have told him this, but apparantly a qualified dietian/medical expert cant be wrong, oh and neither can those bloody BMI maxchines in boots be wrong either!!!!!!!!!

looking forward to the buffing though

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hecate · 29/08/2008 17:40

I think you were supposed to tell him that, no, he didn't need to, he had the body of a Greek god and you fancy him so much it makes you dribble.

Pretty much like when you try something on and ask if your bum looks big in it. Even if it looks like a pair of badgers fighting their way out of a sack, the correct answer is "Of course not, you look fab" followed by a quick grope of said bum and a saucy wink.

1500 calories is too little. A man needs approx 2500 a day. To lose weight sensibly, you need drop 500 calories a day, so he should be aiming for 2000, not 1500. (1800 if he leads a very sedentary lifestyle)

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 17:56

i did tell him that but he kept on demanding "the truth"

trying to talk him round to eating more than 1500, as he'd be ill, and i dont want our baby to not know her daddy, and i dont really fancy being a widower!

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hecate · 29/08/2008 18:00

He wouldn't be healthy that's for sure. If you eat far too little, your body goes into starvation mode. It would be unsustainable anyway, and when he went back to eating more normally, the weight would pile back on and then some more on top and what's more, it would be harder to shift next time - that's the way it goes once you start fecking with your metabolism.

Do you think someone is maybe having a go at him about his weight? Perhaps at work?

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 18:21

not that i know of. it seemed to have started today when we went out with his mate, her sister and her partner, who happens to be very toned and fit looking, but shorter and not so built/broad as my DP, and he is now comparing himself to that.

OP posts:

stickyj · 29/08/2008 18:29

Tell his willy will seem bigger if he loses weight off his belly and then moan a lot during sex, telling him it feels much better That's as and when you can breathe 'cos he's heavy too!. Mind you, typical bloke, says I should get on top then

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 18:40

lol, ture, although these days it's all i can do now im getting bigger and bigger lol

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duomonstermum · 29/08/2008 18:55

bloody BMI has a lot to answer for!!! i remember when i was swimming competitively and had vv low body fat. at 5'2 and just about 55kg i was overweight then again i come from a culture that thinks that a grown woman should be aiming to weigh 42kg, my DS nearly weighs that ffs! something tells me that the figures were being interpreted to suit.....

Original poster

mum2bean · 29/08/2008 19:17

i know! who makes these things up? BMI, "perfect" weight/height ratio, weighing machines in boots, shopping centres....

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morethanjustadad · 05/09/2008 19:45

from a bloke's perspective - if he's saying he doesn't want to be a fat dad, tell him it's up to him to do something about it and stop feeling sorry for himself. Most guys I know get irked when they think their DP is NOT telling them the truth, when they are "saying what they think you want to hear" kind of thing. If he really is upset (as opposed to just narked at himself for losing shape), maybe take the approach of "now you've recognised it, you can do something about it" AND importantly, support and encourage him on any exercise plan or diet he comes up with.

OrmIrian · 05/09/2008 19:57

I think you did OK. Sometimes you have to be honest - if you said it in a loving supportive way he has no real reason to be upset. He knows it's true which is why he's reacting that way.

To lose weight he needs more aerpbic exercise, cut back on the processed carbs and drink less beer and more water. Well that's the theory. DH is trying after giving up fags - he's 6'1 and 14 stone and TBH quite big atm and I do find it a real turn off for which, yes, I do feel guilty. Problem is he's still compensating for the ciggies and I'd rather he was fat than suffering from lung cancer.

Fizzylemonade · 05/09/2008 22:58

BMI is nothing to go off, if he is serious about losing weight he should see his GP to find out what calories he should be consuming.

Hectate is right, your body goes into starvation mode and actually tries to store anything you put inside your body! So to begin with you lose weight but then you either maintain or gain.

My DH is a lovely, strapping bloke of 6'3 and in his absolute prime he was 15 1/2 stone, but he is about 19 stone now and has the build of a rugby player. He has a bit of a tummy on him and a 50" chest! But there is no fat on the rest of his body, his legs, arse (gorgeous arse) and chest are all toned.

If we cut his calorific intake down to 1500 cals he wouldn't be able to walk!!!

I don't think there is any way to ever tell someone that they need to lose weight. No matter how supportive or kind your intentions are.

I recently had a stone of baby weight to lose so joined slimming world and I lost 12lb in 6 weeks. The men have the weight just drop off them! Maybe he could do something like that?

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