Feeling lost

[Hppw]

Last night she left me. Third time in two years. Honestly I probably saw it coming but I'm still just as much a mess as the first time. My head knows the score, patterns repeat and it's clearly not working. First it was my fault, then it was both of us, now she says its just her. Love but no romance. I can't go no contact due to kids. I know I'll survive but right now I dont know what or who I am without her. Cliche but true.

I feel a fool for trying so hard for so long and ending up back in the same position. I wish I could stop feeling the way I do about her while simultaneously never wanting to.

Where do I even go from here?

How long have you been together? Don't feel a fool, you love her and that's an attachment at a fundamental biological level, your brain is literally feeling so massively threatened by the break of this attachment you don't know what to do or where to turn. That's perfectly normal and understandable.

You've tried has its sounds like because you have kids and a life that you don't want to just give up, again perfectly normal to not want to just abandon all of this and to keep trying.

Is there any hint at anyone else involved? It sounds like your wife's coping skills are to avoid things/abandon/escape and yours is to lean in and try and solve things. Unfortunately you end up taking a heavy load.

For now, concentrate on getting through small chunks of time. Work on yourself, your self regulation skills, lean into any friends family or anyone else you are able to speak to. If you don't have this then there are various charities or mental health hubs you can walk into and always the Samaritans to offload to when things get too much in your head. Try and keep a routine, your brain needs this to start to find a new sense of safety. You need to decide what you are happy to put up with, what you actually want for your life, some counselling/psychotherapy would probably be massively beneficial if you can access it by any means.

It's tough but you absolutely can get through it.

I'm sorry OP, you sound so lost

Take one day at a time, concentrate on keeping the children happy and feeling safe, think of practical things to do regarding a new home for you, and when you will have the children over etc. And if you feel you are slipping then speak to your GP. Sometimes using antidepressants for a short while can be extremely helpful, or signposted to therapy.

Thankyou both for your words. I'm struggling to reply properly right now with the weight of everything but I truly appreciate you taking the time

First it was my fault, then it was both of us, now she says its just her.

What was your fault? Did you feel differently about her over time and admitted it, or did something happen?

It sounds like whatever happened that first time, the relationship has never really recovered from it, so maybe you both need a proper break from each other now to understand how you both feel. You don't need to go no contact, but perhaps you need to put in some boundaries about contact outside of the kids.

It's easy to agree to get back together when you both feel so lost without each other, but it doesn't mean it is solution to whatever problems you are having.