Father Son Alone Time

[ForTicklishDog]

My partner and I have a 10-month-old son, and we keep arguing about me wanting to spend time alone with him.

My mum is an alcoholic, although she’s currently not drinking. Because of this, my partner doesn’t allow me to take our son out alone in case I take him to see my parents without her there.

I’m told I should be happy that I can have him to myself in the lounge while she’s cooking, but she actively makes sure I can’t do things like take him for a pram walk, just the two of us. Even when she goes to a fitness class, I have to take him to meet her there rather than have him at home with me.
I completely understand there need to be boundaries around my mum, such as never leaving her unsupervised with our son and leaving if there’s any suspicion she’s been drinking. My dad is very responsible and wouldn’t allow my mum to be involved if she’d been drinking.

My partner tells me I’m a brilliant dad and have a great relationship with our son, but uses this to argue that I don’t need father-son bonding time. Her view is that we should do everything as a family of three, and she doesn’t understand why I’d want to do things alone with him.

I find this really hurtful. I’d always imagined being able to take my son for walks, to the park and do everyday things together, and I don’t think wanting that is unreasonable.

Looking ahead, I also struggle to see how this would work if we had another child, or as our commitments change. I don’t feel I should be considered incapable of spending time alone with my own son because my mum is an alcoholic. I have suggested us attending couples counselling but this has been refused due to my partner refusing to have someone tell her to put her son at risk.

Am I being unreasonable, or is it fair to expect some independence as a father while still respecting sensible boundaries around my mum?

Yanbu your partner sounds like she is having severe mental issues but it’s not fair that you are the one dealing with the fall out.
Having to go and stand outside her workout class with the baby because she “won’t let” you stay in the house with the baby is crazy.
Have you spoken to her properly about how he’s not normal or healthy for her to be behaving this way?

She's being ridiculous, assuming you're telling us the whole story and not missing out that you're a crack addict or something. Do you still have a health visitor you could talk to?

I have and she disregards this and brings this back to not wanting to run a risk. I shouldn’t need to have alone time when I have opportunities in the house when I can have this when she needs works in the morning 6AM - 9AM. I try to reference that it is recommended but just shuts it down you don’t have to everything you read.

Are you sure you've told us everything?
It seems a bit odd for her to behave like this.

No definitely not a crack addict. For example we went on holiday last month this was the first time I had the opportunity to walk him in a pram by myself at 9 months. She said that was fine as there was no chance of bumping into your parents. Yes I have an alcoholic mother who hasn’t drank for 2 years at this point but to treat them as a danger is hurtful to not only myself but them as well.

Yes everything is treated as a risk she is of the opinion our child should never go to anyone’s house if they have a pet as you can’t trust pets around children etc

Her behaviour is extremely concerning.
Is she returning to work soon?

They live 5 minutes away but maybe once a week but that is only if my parents come round our house.

I am but she assures me that she is perfectly fine.

She’s returned to work but only morning slots for a few hours.

Is that actually something she should be able to dictate though?
The baby not being in the care of his mother, possibly reasonable, but for the baby to never see her with the father because she’s 2 years sober?

My mum can see her grandson as long as my partner is present I agree there should be some rules around about not being left alone with my mum.