How do you escape from the masturbation police?

[SpareWheel]

It's getting very difficult these days to find a spare moment for a hand shandy. DW and DCs always running in and out of the bathroom, always someone shouting at me to do something (change nappy, get teddy down, want a wee-wee, story etc.) when I'm in the loo. It leads to arguments with DW when I'm in bed, too tired for a shag but want a couple of minutes to shake one off and just go to sleep. Doing it at work is a no-go (something happened to a colleague which I would never want to happen to me).

How do you chaps find time/space for it?

Joke:
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.

Oh dear, the lack of practicality that is the hallmark of the modern man. Get a shed ffs. Fill the front half of it with broken household equipment and insect life, behind which you stash your comfy chair, spare kitchen roll and stash of smut.

no he isnt embarrassed about it at all
he seems really pleased with himself

Work story is that said individual took a couple of porn mags into the disabled loo, got himself locked in (handle/lock fell off on the inside) and while he rescued and concealed most of them, he left one behind.

It resulted in a variant of "Oh Dear What a Calamity" being circulated around the office.

oh how funny

i work at the an airport with lots of guys my dh amongst them and one guy used to wank at work and put porn on in the crew room.

supposedly one gy had a wank in the locker room.... yuk

madamez - the shed option is all very well for you rural, well-heeled types, but us urban blokes have a life where we are many human beings per square metre. No privacy at all in a flat with other humans above, below and either side.

I could get an allotment I suppose, but becoming semi-agricultural for the occasional wrist-flick seems a bit excessive...

I am very much hoping you said individual had disability. This is mumsnet. If you use a disabled loo/parking space etc when you don't have a disability we will lynch you.

PS Hahahahahahaha and eeeeewwwwww.

Is a pornphone a variant on the i-phone with a wipe-clean cover?

is this one of those things that is easier if ur a woman then ..it does take longer tho doesn't it

its not just men you know who battle for the time for one off the wrist!!!!!!! although we dont have no masturbation police in this house, just a 2.5 year old with a very active sex radar - its like she "knows" and must prevent futher procreation in order to maintain her position as pack leader!!!!

Whatever you decide to do, don't think that waking up at 3am and doing it whilst DW is sleeping next to you will be good. I have woken up many a time to my bed shaking like something out of bedknobs and broomsticks, thinking I'm about to go flying through the window only to realsie DP is having a tug.

oh VS!!

do you go back to sleep? lol

Sparewheel: hey, why not get an allotment? Vegetables mostly just grow once you've planted them, so you will get extra gold stars from your DW and most of her friends for being such an organic family friendly superhero caring modern guy. Just bung the seeds in the ground, sit in allotment shed, wank self stupid and either you will end up with nice cheap veg to eat or you can blame it all on a plague of slugs or a jealous old man in a smelly mac who nicked the lot...

Depends how long it takes him, I can just lay there and pretend to be asleep for a minute or two but if he goes on too long I'll say something.
It's when he has finished and just goes back to sleep it gets to me, I just wonder where he wiped his hand.

oh gross poor you! i bet you spend the night avoinding wet patches!

IF DW is normally supportive of your self fulfillment needs, then tell her you need 5 mins alone in the shower.
I do this happily.

pmp!!!!..

Hah! My dh sweats blind he never does it

I'm the one looking for a private 5 minutes in this house

Hah! My dh sweats blind he never does it

I'm the one looking for a private 5 minutes in this house

I wish my biggest dilemma at this time of year was when I could sneak a quick Thomas the tank in!

Twice! I must be desperate

And that's swears blind btw

When in the day are you most inclined for such action? You could either have a look at your morning routine: one of you say gets the dcs up and dressed whilst the other gets ready, and then the other takes over with breakfast, giving the first one some time. That way each of you gets half an hour or so to themselves: so long as you are shaved and dressed by the end what you do is up to you.

If the evenings are better, then hand your dw a glass of wine and take it upon yourself to read the bedtime stories. Once over and lights are out you can stop off in the bathroom or your bedroom before heading back to your now very chilled out dw.

Maidamess - I had always thought you ladies could go for ages without feeling the need for a Thomas (or Sherman for that matter).

BTW, have you seen Ernest the Engine? A serious contender for an alternative Thomas the Tank Engine.

i reckon once you do make time then you just do it more often lol

I have had 2 x-GFs who swore they had never done it ever and another one who didn't even know how to!! Incredible - something so much fun, harmless, which gives you exercise, makes you feel good and is free! How could you not do it?

BTW I think there is something in "sweating blind" though, at least so my parents told me.

Ernest becomes a search engine.