Sort your life out

[justgivein]

I told my kids I couldn't buy presents this year and that they were not to buy any for me.I said their mother will get them presents anyway.I told them I only have money for bills and don't want that stress which could cause a seizure,I'm epileptic, of bouncing direct debits.My daughter was understanding but my son said I should do meditation and sort my life out.I said yes good idea but these things won't pay the bills.He said we don't want to have to look after you again.I am self employed and struggle for work in the winter.I could feel my self getting angry because of his reaction but just let it go.He is a very spiritual person.It really made me feel really small and was frustrated I did not know how to react.I wanted to ask this question to the women but a lady answered another thread with the men only hang on the sex forums,I don't I like the gardening forum.

How old are your kids, and did they have to look after you previously?

@MissConductUS

How old are your kids, and did they have to look after you previously?

Daughter 26,sons 22 and 18.I suppose it was more my wife having to drive me to work on her days off she was amazing and kept me working the few days that I could over the year my liscense was taken away.Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up before the oldest was off to work but felt nervous about the stress of it and wanted it said as early as possible.

I'm sorry your son reacted like this, it was very unfair of him. Well done for not reacting to it and keep going with your self care

Well done for not reacting.

And you’re absolutely right that Christmas shouldn’t put you in debt.

But honestly I think it would have been better to do something like a £10 Secret Santa or a very small token gift each rather than literally nothing at all. It must also be very difficult for their mother to hold the burden of paying for Christmas alone (I assume you’re not together?).

I’d still explain that this Christmas was very difficult and that they weren’t to get me anything but I would cut back everything I could if it meant I could get them a little something to open for even for a couple of pounds.

I assume you don’t do anything you could cut back on for a month: drink or smoke or eat takeaways etc?

As an aside, to help with bills: If the winter is quiet for you in terms of work then could you look at other ways to make an income during those times? The ‘£10 a day’ thread has some great ideas. It’s not much but it’s something.

@BobbieT1999

I'm sorry your son reacted like this, it was very unfair of him. Well done for not reacting to it and keep going with your self care

Thanks so much for that.I was thinking should I not make such a big deal about it in my mind.It was tough because we've always had a good relationship, maybe just caught him at the wrong time.

Why not think up something that costs nothing and you can do together and give them handmade vouchers for those things? Presents are about the thought that goes into them, not money.

I'm afraid I agree with your son and admire him for being so blunt. You do need to sort your life out. It's fine not to spend money you don't have, but giving them nothing and feeling sorry for yourself and your poverty is not something you should offload onto your children, even if they are adults.

Why not pass one something of yours to each of them as a token present - something they've always admired or something that fits with their interests? This would prove you have thought about them, that you care about them and want and choose to be generous towards them even during tough times in your life.

@hivemindneeded

I'm afraid I agree with your son and admire him for being so blunt. You do need to sort your life out. It's fine not to spend money you don't have, but giving them nothing and feeling sorry for yourself and your poverty is not something you should offload onto your children, even if they are adults.

Why not pass one something of yours to each of them as a token present - something they've always admired or something that fits with their interests? This would prove you have thought about them, that you care about them and want and choose to be generous towards them even during tough times in your life.

This. You need to plan ahead and put some money aside when you do have work in the summer, even if it's only a few pounds. It's not ok to get them nothing at all for Christmas.

Maybe if self employed work isn't paying enough to cover your bills then look at folding the business and taking a job as an employee.

@SmolCat

Well done for not reacting.

And you’re absolutely right that Christmas shouldn’t put you in debt.

But honestly I think it would have been better to do something like a £10 Secret Santa or a very small token gift each rather than literally nothing at all. It must also be very difficult for their mother to hold the burden of paying for Christmas alone (I assume you’re not together?).

I’d still explain that this Christmas was very difficult and that they weren’t to get me anything but I would cut back everything I could if it meant I could get them a little something to open for even for a couple of pounds.

I assume you don’t do anything you could cut back on for a month: drink or smoke or eat takeaways etc?

As an aside, to help with bills: If the winter is quiet for you in terms of work then could you look at other ways to make an income during those times? The ‘£10 a day’ thread has some great ideas. It’s not much but it’s something.

Thanks .But even say £30 for say the kids and £50 for my wife would put me in trouble. I don't want to borrow from my wife because want to pay my own bills.She earns twice as much as me with overtime bonus so need to pay my own share of the bills.Secret santa a good idea I'll look into that thanks.Been together 34 years,married 30.Im going to tell my wife to send back the coat she let me choose for a present because can't afford something decent for her.I don't drink smoke only have a takeaway when my wife wants one and if my daughter buys one for me.

Thanks for the advice.

It’s a really strange set up if you are married, yet buying the adult children separate gifts each, and you only have a takeaway when your daughter buys you one.

Your son doesn't sound all that spiritual to me. He let his disappointment overrule the need to be kind and supportive to you. I would write it off as a lapse in behavior on his part. Well done to you for not overreacting to it.

Your medical condition is not a personal failing and you are doing the best that you can.

He said we don't want to have to look after you again.
Maybe this Christmas the best thing you can do is to show them they can rely on you. That you’re the adult and the parent.

Work is quiet? More time for you to be an absolute whirlwind round the house. It costs nothing to keep the house extra tidy and clean, to cook the dinner, to run your wife a bath. (Apols if you already do the lions share.)
And more time for you to spend 1:1 with your family. Arrange to spend proper time together, go for a walk etc. Ask them what they need help or support with at the moment and do that.

Maybe he said it wrongly but maybe he's right?
You said you aren't taking the medication. Why not? Get treated , then you'll feel better, be able to work etc

Your ex wife really shouldn't be driving you around

Apologies I read meditation as medication 🤣. However the point stays. Go to the doctor's, get some medication. Mediation is wonderful once you get into it try it!
Say yes to things instead of no. Change your mindset

@BobbieT1999

I'm sorry your son reacted like this, it was very unfair of him. Well done for not reacting to it and keep going with your self care

Thanks for the kind thought.I'm off to make the wife's tea,sort the clothes washing out, wash the dishes better be off now,thanks for opinions

I’m struck by the comment that she earns double what you do but you have to pay “your share”. Is that half, or do you pay less because you earn less?

@SmolCat

He said we don't want to have to look after you again. Maybe this Christmas the best thing you can do is to show them they can rely on you. That you’re the adult and the parent.

Work is quiet? More time for you to be an absolute whirlwind round the house. It costs nothing to keep the house extra tidy and clean, to cook the dinner, to run your wife a bath. (Apols if you already do the lions share.)
And more time for you to spend 1:1 with your family. Arrange to spend proper time together, go for a walk etc. Ask them what they need help or support with at the moment and do that.

Thanks think it was more about them seeing my fits,taking me to hospital at that time. I'm on medication now and haven't had any episodes since then.I will be making Christmas lunch which they all enjoy,that they can rely on.I try my best as a parent but epilepsy did sort of take over because couldn't do alot because couldn't drive.

@MrsMoastyToasty

Maybe if self employed work isn't paying enough to cover your bills then look at folding the business and taking a job as an employee.

No I love my business being my own boss

@BillMasen

I’m struck by the comment that she earns double what you do but you have to pay “your share”. Is that half, or do you pay less because you earn less?

No we pay about equal.The rest goes on holidays , car bills,kids expenses and the like

You might well love it, but if you can't afford to live off it then something has to change. What about working part time, then you can continue with your business?

Did I read correctly you smoke or was that a typo?

@justgivein @hivemindneeded this. Hive, great advice

@purpleboy

You might well love it, but if you can't afford to live off it then something has to change. What about working part time, then you can continue with your business?

Did I read correctly you smoke or was that a typo?

Yeah I'll have to change and advertise more can't go part time need all week during busy periods.No I don't smoke.Thanks have thought about evening work maybe an idea to put money towards tax,accountant bills that I'm always struggling with.

Feel a bit of a dick for posting this now just going to buy some small presents and put some thought into them.

You should give time vouchers

I'll babysit for a night of your choice
I'll cut your grass
I'll paint you xyx

Sorted, no need for cash