Sort your life out

[justgivein]

I told my kids I couldn't buy presents this year and that they were not to buy any for me.I said their mother will get them presents anyway.I told them I only have money for bills and don't want that stress which could cause a seizure,I'm epileptic, of bouncing direct debits.My daughter was understanding but my son said I should do meditation and sort my life out.I said yes good idea but these things won't pay the bills.He said we don't want to have to look after you again.I am self employed and struggle for work in the winter.I could feel my self getting angry because of his reaction but just let it go.He is a very spiritual person.It really made me feel really small and was frustrated I did not know how to react.I wanted to ask this question to the women but a lady answered another thread with the men only hang on the sex forums,I don't I like the gardening forum.

Maybe if self employed work isn't paying enough to cover your bills then look at folding the business and taking a job as an employee.

No I love my business being my own boss

You might love it, but you cannot afford to keep doing it

@justgivein

Feel a bit of a dick for posting this now just going to buy some small presents and put some thought into them.

It’s good to vent at least.

@NandorTheRelentless

You should give time vouchers

I'll babysit for a night of your choice
I'll cut your grass
I'll paint you xyx

Sorted, no need for cash

Love this idea going to do this as extra presents on top of the small onesthankyou

@NandorTheRelentless

Maybe if self employed work isn't paying enough to cover your bills then look at folding the business and taking a job as an employee.

No I love my business being my own boss

You might love it, but you cannot afford to keep doing it

Can't believe how many people think I should chuck in my business because I can't get the usual Xmas presents I get every year.

Yeah it is great to vent.I feel like I'm amongst friends that give sound advice.More blokes should post about their problems instead of hanging around on the sex threads

Can't believe how many people think I should chuck in my business because I can't get the usual Xmas presents I get every year.

It's not the usual Christmas presents though, I am self employed and struggle for work in the winter. this doesn't sound like only Christmas presents.

Maybe find some seasonal temp work, and keep your own business just for summer (what is it that you do?)

Your kids are adults, they should have a level of adult comprehension, adaptability and selfless compassion by now. This would be a very different story if they were children.

It is odd that you and your wife give them separate presents, if you're together, rather than joint gifts.

Would it be possible for you to take on seasonal work in winter, like Christmas postal sorting or similar?

The vouchers for activities idea is brilliant. Gifts are all about the thought and everyone welcomes positive attention. I hope your kids appreciate them.

You're very welcome to post an any board here. The pp's comment was a very odd one! Almost everyone who's responded is a woman anyway, as your thread appears in 'active'.

“ BillMasen
I’m struck by the comment that she earns double what you do but you have to pay “your share”. Is that half, or do you pay less because you earn less?
No we pay about equal.The rest goes on holidays , car bills,kids expenses and the like”

Ok so, generally the consensus on here is that the lower earning partner should pay less into the pot. Anything else is unfair, so if you feel similar maybe it’s something you could discuss with your partner? It’s not right if she has cash left over and you can’t get by.

I hope you’re ok. Your posts sound very, flat. I know it’s tough, and your son was out of ordercreacting the way he did. As others have said, still try for smaller token gifts if you can.

And we don’t all hang around the sex board like weirdos, a few of us post all over the place so don’t feel you can’t join in anywhere on this site

@NandorTheRelentless

Can't believe how many people think I should chuck in my business because I can't get the usual Xmas presents I get every year.

It's not the usual Christmas presents though, I am self employed and struggle for work in the winter. this doesn't sound like only Christmas presents.

Maybe find some seasonal temp work, and keep your own business just for summer (what is it that you do?)

Thanks nice idea but not really possible because there are not many part time jobs in winter.I like to be on call for work that arises sometimes with really short notice.I have regular customers and like to say yes to all work offered.If you don't mind rather not say what field I'm in.

I do appreciate all the answers.I have decided to give my daughter my mother's engagement ring which I was going to give to her eventually and the boys watches that I bought but never wore,they're still in original boxes.Thanks to the two ladies for that idea.I'm now up to three gifts each for the kids thanks to Mumsnet,just have to think about the wife's gift now I want it to be special.

We usually get the majority of gifts for kids and family together but I do like to get extra gifts myself .

Totally wrong to highlight the men on sex thread quote it being only one point of view but it was on a question for the men thread.

Bit concerned about opinion to give up my business though alot of businesses do struggle especially at this time.Not really wise to give up so easily. Better really to have a partner enjoying their job being excited to tell your partner than someone in a job they don't like,don't you think.

@BillMasen

“ BillMasen I’m struck by the comment that she earns double what you do but you have to pay “your share”. Is that half, or do you pay less because you earn less? No we pay about equal.The rest goes on holidays , car bills,kids expenses and the like”

Ok so, generally the consensus on here is that the lower earning partner should pay less into the pot. Anything else is unfair, so if you feel similar maybe it’s something you could discuss with your partner? It’s not right if she has cash left over and you can’t get by.

I hope you’re ok. Your posts sound very, flat. I know it’s tough, and your son was out of ordercreacting the way he did. As others have said, still try for smaller token gifts if you can.

And we don’t all hang around the sex board like weirdos, a few of us post all over the place so don’t feel you can’t join in anywhere on this site

Thanks not sure what you mean by being flat though maybe unemotional, guarded.I do have credit cards because bought kids cars,two were written off.My wife does like her holidays alot goes on those too and I love being abroad with the wife and kids.Our cars getting old so the bills getting bigger..but thank god the tax man let's you pay monthly and accounts seem quite flexible too with payment

Apologise rambling on.

Good for you for telling them about the situation you're in. I have every admiration for you. I'm defaulting all over the place to buy gifts for my adult son, his partner, my parents, sister, her family...and have been since June. I'm living off toast and multi packs of crisps. I wish I had your strength to be so honest.

On the business... depends if the family can pay the bills. Business is business, it's not a hobby.

Is this really a viable business, as your sole source of income year-round? Is it enough for the family, in addition to your DW's income? Or is it viable only alongside another income stream from you? Or is it a hobby that you make some money from (so a viable and attractive 'side hustle' but not truly a full-time business)?

Something I got from your post is that the way you contribute equally to bills, despite having very different incomes. That leaves your DW funding all the luxuries, so possibly having more control over them, while you're left with nothing for gifts etc. A more equitable approach is to contribute to bills and essentials proportionately to your income, then also having personal spending money left over. Or throwing everything into a big pot and budgeting form there, allowing each adult equal personal spending.

The approach you're taking is unfair on you, leaves you without spending money and makes you look mean, when actually you're just a lower earner but as part of a family that you presumably contribute to in other ways (pull your weight with housework etc) and as part of an overall approach that the two of you have agreed between you.

Have the two of you really agreed this between you though? Do you pull your weight in other ways?

The DCs' resentment of you, of needing to look after you, might convey that they are brats (who brought them up again?), or that you are resented more generally. Are you perceived as prioritising your enjoyment of a hobby-business above what is needed by your wife and family?

Also, the 'throw money at it' approach to gift-giving you conveyed at the top of the thread, the novelty of the idea of 'vouchers for time-based activities', could be taken to suggest a materialistic family generally, or that you are not used to doing the thinking about meeting your DCs' needs, that is that perhaps you don't pull your weight with housework and the mental load of family life.

I'd be interested to read your wife's pov, as I do wonder if she might portray herself as working full-time, being relied upon as the bread-winner and having to carry the mental load of family life, while you pootle about with a hobby-business and 'help' with a few practical tasks... Quite possibly not but I cannot help but put it out there.

Also, your DCs' are adults. By all means support them through education or training but they can work too - and buy their own cars (or not have one)!

...and, might your DW love the opportunity to pursue a business she enjoys too, if she wasn't obliged to be the family breadwinner? Does she love her job too?

It sounds as though you both enjoy the fruits of her labours. So I don't get the impression you'd be happy with both of you in low-income roles, or that the two of you have different outlooks on lifestyle and spending.

Do you both have equal opportunity to prioritise enjoying your work and your leisure time?

OP, is your epilepsy diagnosis new? Because you do seem to be falling into the mentality of victim, "I have bad health, the bad things happening aren't my fault, I can't work anywhere except in this job because I will be unhappy" and perhaps that is a result of some unrealised mental health issues stemming from realising you have a serious long term medical condition.

Or, your son is insensitive but is also just tired of you being a bit "wet". Sorry, that sounds harsh. But as a PP said, the fact that you'd never even considered other options for gifts, seem comfortable being so reliant on your wife etc is a bit concerning.

Also, lots of people saying you're paying 50/50 for bills but that's not how I read it - I got the sense it's not quite equal for main bills and she then pays significantly one top for luxuries. I think more clarification on what that looks like would be helpful - unfortunately, I've seen this play out too often where the bills that are split equally are rent, gas, electric, council tax but all the other bills are not.... .

And is it the case that your share is based on the assumption that you'll actually work full time and not part time?

I don't meant to be unsympathetic but there is a "woe is me, I can't do anything" to your posts that concerns me and makes me think that perhaps your children are tired of being the ones to look after you.

I’m disgusted by all the people on here shaming someone who is financially not able to buy gifts.

Christmas is so much about spending money and the show of gift giving, that we forget not everyone has money tk spend on endless things.

So OP, your children are adults and should understand that Xmas is not about getting presents.

Maybe your son could go help out at a shelter or feed the homeless and do some charity if he wants to sort his life out. Having your hand out and complaining about getting a gift at Xmas is the exact opposite of the Xmas spirit.

We should have the spirit of giving - be it love and kindness and sharing what we do have, not complaining about getting presents.

Your son sounds like an entitled soiled brat. And he’s an adult, so getting a present from a parent who is financially struggling and honest about that shouldn’t be his priority.

A lesson in goodwill would serve him well. He needs to learn empathy and to learn that spending money and expecting to get gifts is not what Xmas is about. This is what people have made it all about, but it’s the exact opposite of what our goodwill should be focused on during this time of year. Holding ones hand out to get something from anyone .. no that’s not it. If someone gets you something then great. But we should be more prone to giving. And if you have no money with which to give a bought gift, then give kindness and goodwill.

Kindness and goodwill are gifts are to be given for Xmas. All this nonsense about having to buy anything for Xmas is what people choose to make Xmas into.

If you cannot afford to buy presents then do not. Make a card or something small or sing them a song you wrote. Again, your children are adults and should under finances might not always make these purchases possible.

Well it works for us.She loves her job too which is managerial.She leaves at 5.30 gets in at 7.00.l finish my hobby job at 5 so do stuff needs doing round the house.I was diagnosed just before pandemic so had to give up alot of work.I've nearly hit my old wage now.Apologise I come across as pity partying.My kids are daughter in management, my son works with vunerable adults,my youngest at uni ,they are good kids,I love them all.I still think i caught my son at wrong time.Feel free to pull me a apart if you please I really find the reactions really interesting

Apologies can't take all questions on board.I wanted to buy my kids their first cars.Got to get back to my hobby job now

Personally OP I find your sons reaction and the responses on here callous.

There are many people who cannot afford to buy gifts and that’s not what Xmas is about. Unless you make it all about gifts.

My husband and I have bought presents to send to a charity for children where their parents cannot afford to buy Xmas gifts . We are not buying anything for one another because we don’t need anything and we have most if not everything we want. Xmas is not about conspicuous spending. Giving is what Xmas is about. Children of course expect to get gifts, but adults should be understanding and your son should have some empathy for you as his father.

I find the need to tell someone they must buy Xmas presents extremely distasteful. Considering how many people are in the world who are just managing to keep a roof over their heads, and won’t be able to get gifts, this “sort yourself out so you can get me a present” attitude is appalling.

That’s just my opinion and people can do what they want with their money. But I just wish ppl would get back to Xmas being more about being kind to others and spreading that kindness( one good deed triggers another) and helping those less fortunate rather than just running out to buy things.

It’s disappointing to see people shaming someone who is saying their finances are not great.

Sorry mate, but you sound abit selfish and like you need to "man" up a bit.

I've not read it all but got fed up after the first page.

I agree with your son

So what I've taken from this is you earn a pittance doing a job you enjoy when you could quite easily take a job that pays a better wage.
Part of my enjoyment in life is being able to be the parent I want to be, if you couldn't afford to buy your kids Christmas presents because you don't earn enough is one thing, but the reason you don't earn enough is because you "love" being your own boss. Sounds like you need to grow up, your obviously not very good at being your own boss if you can't afford to get your kids anything for christmas.
This isn't about money but about effort, anyone can put more effort in.

I had a parent that was useless and I was forever looking after, I no loger speak to them amd wish I had had a better role model growing up.
Just because your kids are adults doesn't mean they don't still need a dad in their life to do "dad" things and make things right, can imagine it feels pretty shit that dad can't even prioritise sorting them something small and thoughtful out for Xmas.

I'm sorry about your epilepsy but thousands of other people also have serious medical conditions and get on with life without leaning on their children.

@Boatingforthestars

Sorry mate, but you sound abit selfish and like you need to "man" up a bit.

I've not read it all but got fed up after the first page.

I agree with your son

So what I've taken from this is you earn a pittance doing a job you enjoy when you could quite easily take a job that pays a better wage.
Part of my enjoyment in life is being able to be the parent I want to be, if you couldn't afford to buy your kids Christmas presents because you don't earn enough is one thing, but the reason you don't earn enough is because you "love" being your own boss. Sounds like you need to grow up, your obviously not very good at being your own boss if you can't afford to get your kids anything for christmas.
This isn't about money but about effort, anyone can put more effort in.

I had a parent that was useless and I was forever looking after, I no loger speak to them amd wish I had had a better role model growing up.
Just because your kids are adults doesn't mean they don't still need a dad in their life to do "dad" things and make things right, can imagine it feels pretty shit that dad can't even prioritise sorting them something small and thoughtful out for Xmas.

I'm sorry about your epilepsy but thousands of other people also have serious medical conditions and get on with life without leaning on their children.

I'm really glad your here to tell me all that especially considering the thread is boring.I hate the phrase man up for starters what does that even mean?Who looks after your parents now?But you know what really pisses me off the most.

That there's no Grandad's net on here.I be the first to moan away on that.Flicking the back of my ears...playing lego all night cause one of them loves to boss me about.Co-op doubling the price of chocolate that the kids con out of me.Last minute phone calls to pick up the kids and don't get me started about sleeping on the sofa when they want to sleep with their nan.Yes this is retaliating against your really sweet post.I am a better Adam than you are.Look after yourself

Sorry Dad.

@MarshmallowSwede

Personally OP I find your sons reaction and the responses on here callous.

There are many people who cannot afford to buy gifts and that’s not what Xmas is about. Unless you make it all about gifts.

My husband and I have bought presents to send to a charity for children where their parents cannot afford to buy Xmas gifts . We are not buying anything for one another because we don’t need anything and we have most if not everything we want. Xmas is not about conspicuous spending. Giving is what Xmas is about. Children of course expect to get gifts, but adults should be understanding and your son should have some empathy for you as his father.

I find the need to tell someone they must buy Xmas presents extremely distasteful. Considering how many people are in the world who are just managing to keep a roof over their heads, and won’t be able to get gifts, this “sort yourself out so you can get me a present” attitude is appalling.

That’s just my opinion and people can do what they want with their money. But I just wish ppl would get back to Xmas being more about being kind to others and spreading that kindness( one good deed triggers another) and helping those less fortunate rather than just running out to buy things.

It’s disappointing to see people shaming someone who is saying their finances are not great.

Thanks I am working on them .I have recently raised my rates and surprised how many customers are accepting them.

Honestly OP from what you’re saying it does sound like there is an unfair agreement regarding the financial contribution you and your wife each make. In posts across this board the consensus is that the higher earner pays a higher proportion of bills so both partners get a fair amount of disposable income.

I wonder if maybe you are reluctant to change you arrangement because of pride, or an unwillingness to seem to be contributing less? In any case regardless of your gender, if your health and salary mean you are really unable to spare any cash for even a small £5 gift for your kids then for the long term there need to be changes

Apologies Grandads shed .It's on Gransnet that's good to know anyway...but the Grans have monopolised it a bit.