Help - am I going mad? I feel like I'm being emotionally abused for being a bad dad

[Cumbria1978]

Hello, yes first post and I'm sure going to be directed to something existing on here... Which is great if so.

It's 4am and I've not slept yet tonight. Not because of our beautiful baby, but the thoughts running through my head of the continual put downs and criticisms I face from my wife.

I'm not sure if she's gaslighting or if I'm genuinely a terrible dad/husband/person, but without going too deep my whole world (personal and professional) is dedicated to serving others before me.

I work relentlessly and want to do my best in every moment I have outside this to meet my 4 month old daughter and wife's needs (have been together 11 years, I'm 39). Why am I getting it so wron

Can anyone share a view, whether telling me they empathise or to man up or otherwise.

Yeah jobs can wait. If she has been with the baby all week a weekend of doing the same is no break at all

Op, your wife must be incredibly sleep deprived if your baby is exclusively breast fed. Do you acknowledge all of her unseen work that goes on when you are sleeping?

There is still a societal attitude that dad's need to sleep because they are 'working' which can be infuriating. As a new mum, no one sees most of the work you do, as their all asleep or at work/doing stuff. There is a massive drive to deny the work that mums do too.

I think you need to think about your wife's wellbeing a bit more, as I'm sure that is the root of her snapping at you. Especially if you are oblivious to the cause.

Ahh op I feel for you.

It sounds like your wife and daughter are very lucky to have you.

Here's my perspective; I'm a first time mum to a 9mo baby girl and I think my partner and I are in a similar situation to yours. He is wonderful but I'm guilty of being overly anxious and a bit naggy 😬

I have found becoming a mother tougher than I ever could have imagined. The birth itself was traumatic and scary, the breastfeeding was painful and difficult to get the hang of, the sleep deprivation felt like actual torture. My body is different now, my hormones are all over the place and I'm constantly concerned with whether I'm doing a good enough job or not. Not to mention I feel I've lost my identity that I had in a good career and have had to come to terms with a whole new role.

I'm with baby all day, I study her constantly. I learn about the things she needs and likes (how she likes to be held, how to get that extra spoon of food in when she's in a grump, how she settles best for a nap). It's hard to relinquish control to someone else when you think you could do a better job (sounds awful sorry but I don't mean it harshly).

The thing is, I think that handing over the reigns is exactly what is required in my situation (and perhaps in yours too?).

1. it gives you a chance to practice caring for your daughter so you can learn from the mistakes you mention (that we all make)

2. it gives your wife chance to have a break so she will hopefully feel less irritable and be less snappy with you

3. when she sees you do a great job without her she will learn to relax and trust that you don't need her to be around constantly

Maybe she's suffering with poor mental health, maybe she's just tired and stressed like me. Likely she needs a good break, trusting that you can be just as good a parent as she can. So send her out for a walk/ bath/ drink with a friend and show her that you are more than capable. I'm sure her anxiety will settle in time.

Thaimoon, thanks so much for taking the time to post your own reflections, and rationale for this, everything you say makes so much sense and I take this all on board. You sound like a great mum

I rtft

You are definitely being emotionally abused.

Despite what several posters have said your wife's behaviour is not normal or excusable and you shouldn't be putting up with it. My wife is not a saint, but she has never and would never treat me like that.

Speak to your health visitor. If you are actually doing things wrong with the baby they'll put you straight in a constructive, neutral way. They will also support your wife if she is not coping. (Using you as an emotional punching bag is not an acceptable coping mechanism)

I'd recommend counselling for the both of you, but it's important that your wife is willing to accept that she has a problem.

@Velvian awful victim blaming.

@pigeonpies, op has a duty to safeguard her (their) children from becoming victims of this situation. That is where her responsibility lies. I think anyone hand wringing about the OP's DH has not had experience of this situation.

Sorry wrong thread.

Didn't realise this one had been resurrected.

@Velvian

Didn't realise this one had been resurrected.

Dadsnet is a slow burn.

Just think of this space as the aga of mumsnet.

@Velvian

Sorry wrong thread.

Sorry you mean Freudian slip.

Actually your advice was absolutely correct until you realised the gender and your entrenched bias took over.

@SkedaddIe, good to know. . In MN time, this is like a year old now.

[quote pigeonpies]@Velvian awful victim blaming. [/quote]
Actually @Velvian isn't the worst on this thread by a long shot.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion set the tone with the first reply.

It was basically a "but what were you wearing"

Pretty much every poster after that continued the victim blaming. Poor OP

So much support on this one for the op DW yet if the roles were reversed the DW would be told she is a victim and should leave him. I do hope things have gotten better for you op and that you and your daughter especially are in a happier place (hopefully with your DW also).

Have you pointed out to your wife that the only way for you to learn to comfort your child is the same way she did - by experience and practice. If she demands you pass the baby to her every time it cries, this can't happen.
Of course it's agony to hear your baby cry and to want to comfort them. But if someone had taken her baby from her when she was learning, she'd never have reached the point she has. Same for all the caring stuff. It's hard to watch the dad get it 'wrong', but if she wants you to get it right, she needs to let you have the practice, and to advise in an encouraging way, not snap at you.

I think most of us mums have been there in the early days, but soon realised that we just have to let the dads get on with it if we want their help.

Have you said to her, look, i know baby is tiny and breastfed, but youve got to allow me to do the things I CAN do.
These are stressful times. Youre a team but sounds like youre bickering at each other a bit and it sounds like shes feeling a bit resentful about something which is coming out as passive aggressive comments.
Can the DIY on the house be outsourced or postponed. Is that what shes asking for?

[quote Iminaglasscaseofemotion]@SkedaddIe, set the tone with "we need more information. Emotionally abused 🙄 give it a rest. Why because the dw pulls the OP up when he is being incompetent, and yes, it is normal for a mother to want to take her child when they are upset and distressed.
Yeah, asking the OP why his wife picks him up on things he's doing wrong, is definitely on par with telling someone it's their own fault they were raped because their skirt was too short. Have a fucking word with yourself.[/quote]
Why are you bringing up someone being raped into this argument? The op clearly has been emotionally abused in this situation and it doesn't sound like he has been incompetent more like his DW is unable to cope for whatever reason and is taking that out on him.

My dp would have said I was emotionally abusive to him when I was struggling with 2 young babies while he was trying to start up his own business working all the hours god sends and I was totally losing the plot and overwhelmed with the load of it all. I felt resentful and unsupported. It became a bit competitive.
The baby is 4 months old. Noones sleeping properly. Her hormones are going to be up and down with post partum and also breastfeeding. This has all sorts of effects on mood and tolerance levels.
Dont let this difficult time period cause more issues than it needs to. You can get through this. You need to have better communication with each other and maybe put off the DIY and discuss with work whether you need to be on call every weekend right now

@SkedaddIe I hope you read my post before it was deleted. You likening someone being raped with someone's wife getting on at him when he does things wrong with the baby. Disgusting.

Yep. Double standards on MN for sure when it comes to men. Can you imagine these responses if it were a woman posting about a man?

OP, I would consider the possibility - if not probability - that your wife is an arse. Freedom this way lies.

Your wife is an arse. Marry me instead. I'd appreciate you.

@fruitloop2021

Your wife is an arse. Marry me instead. I'd appreciate you.

OP I have read the full thread and I do think your position sounds extremely difficult. From my own experience, I was definitely emotional and irrational with my husband in the early days... by which I mean the first 6 weeks, not still going on at 4 months! (He might disagree...)

Here is what really helped me feel more normal, maybe one of these might help?

• far and away the most helpful thing was leaving the baby with my partner for two days a week from 2 months old. I wasn’t breastfeeding so this was easy - in your case, is she expressing? Will baby take a bottle? Then she can have a day to herself and she and you will feel much more confident in your parenting. My husband would definitely say I was a control freak at first... but then I got over myself and we’re both much better parents and a better team for this arrangement.
• can you get out of the house together and do something fun? Eg go to a restaurant for lunch while the baby naps in the pram next to you? Or go to a local mall for a few hours (they tend to have excellent baby changing and feeding facilities). At first this is really tough but it gets easier and personally it’s massively important for my mental health. Then you get some time together too!
• does she want to be home with the baby all day? I am v unusual but I went back to work at 2 months and am going to at 3 months with my second DD. Parenting is too hard, my job is way easier and that way I’m thrilled to see my girls in the evenings and at weekends. Even if this is too extreme, your DD will be 6 months soon. Could she do a couple of morning a week at nursery to give your wife a bit of me time?

But basically I think it’s not you, it’s her, but making her life easier will be better for all of you.

I do t think new mums are particularly rational or fair. I think it's part of the process.

When I had my first, I'd spent 9 months going without caffeine, alcohol, soft cheese etc etc- being extra careful crossing roads! I was so aware of the fragility of the little life I was carrying. I had disgusting sickness, blood tests, painful joints, poor sleep for 9 months, then had to push the little darling out after enduring multiple invasive procedures that they may as well have sold tickets for, and injured my spine in the process.

Add to that hormonal changes and birth injuries... frankly I was highly invested in perfection for this baby that I'd given my all to, and which now depended on my boobs for survival.

Can you see, @Cumbria1978 , that made me somewhat over protective and precious about my husband's attempts to look after him? I mean, we managed. I don't remember throwing a poo filled nappy at him, but I'm sure I had my moments.

I'm not saying it's your fault or that she's blameless. She may in fact be an abusive gaslighting madam! BUT... view her behaviour in the light of what I just said and see whether it makes sense for you.

The only way to cope with that, I'd say, is to ask her to be kind because it's upsetting and ride it out until things are easier.

Oh, and talk to her. 'I was planning to mend the bannister, will you be ok for a couple of hours?' That alone takes such a lot of the pressure off.