Help - am I going mad? I feel like I'm being emotionally abused for being a bad dad

[Cumbria1978]

Hello, yes first post and I'm sure going to be directed to something existing on here... Which is great if so.

It's 4am and I've not slept yet tonight. Not because of our beautiful baby, but the thoughts running through my head of the continual put downs and criticisms I face from my wife.

I'm not sure if she's gaslighting or if I'm genuinely a terrible dad/husband/person, but without going too deep my whole world (personal and professional) is dedicated to serving others before me.

I work relentlessly and want to do my best in every moment I have outside this to meet my 4 month old daughter and wife's needs (have been together 11 years, I'm 39). Why am I getting it so wron

Can anyone share a view, whether telling me they empathise or to man up or otherwise.

Sorry, detail of my experience is relentless put downs about any thing I try to do... Wrong cuddle, don't talk like that, need to hand her over after one minute of crying, haven't reached out to other dad's about how they help with feeding don't want to spend time with baby (during work hours), don't share parenting, don't put nappies on well, get water in her eye when bathing... That's from tonight anyway

OK. First, try to get some sleep. You care about what you're doing, and about your family. This means you are ahead of the game.
You sound extremely tired and anxious, which is normal-ish for someone with a very new baby. However, you haven't given much detail here so, when you're ready, maybe a bit more detail about what's happening right now would improve the advice.

Just read your update - do you think your wife is OK? She sounds very anxious indeed. If she's not herself, she might have PND.

Yes I think she is ok, and other than me doesn't appear anxious, quite the opposite, she has more friends in the last 3 months than in her whole life courtesy of the 5-6 baby groups she attends every week, I'm really happy for her that she has such great support from others and is meeting new people (in this strange covid world particularly)... Her anxiety seems to all me placed on me

Thank you re: sleep, feel like just releasing these thoughts somewhere to someone might help with that

I think the anxiety in PND can manifest in various ways. I found everything my husband and step sons did intensely irritating but would have appeared ok to outsiders. I realised pretty fast that my feelings were not normal so got help. How was your wife before the baby came? Did she get at you a lot then? If she has completely changed, she may be suffering from PND but you have to tread gently on the topic and it may take many conversations before she is ready to admit she needs help. She may also feel it's a sign of weakness or worry that admitting to it may mean she's a bad mother, or all other kinds of untrue things. I'm sorry that you're being treated this way however, I hope things improve

When I had my first baby I made a ton of friends, it looked like I had a great life, but on the inside I was extremely anxious especially when it came to my baby and how people were around them (especially my husband). I was angry because I couldn't work and my life had changed completely, my body changed and my husband was just doing his normal work routine which really irritated me. It might be good to have a conversation about how your wife is feeling and maybe talk through how she's making you feel?
In the mean time can you use a meditation app or something to help you get to sleep?

Something, not setting

Talk to her, even if it is via messages.

Not jealous of annoyed just very upset and confused.

It sounds like she’s quite anxious and extremely protective of your new baby daughter. It’s fairly normal for mums to feel like this. It’s hard watch someone do things differently with your child to the way you would prefer to do them. It’s doubly hard when it’s Dad and he hasn’t bothered to read up on current guidelines! (I’m not saying you haven’t, just that you’re wife’s behavior sounds like a more intense version of what I was feeling towards my DH after our DS was born).
You are trying to look after your DD and you care about her and your wife. So, deep breath, you are not a bad dad. You’re a caring and involved dad and you will continue to be a caring and involved dad.
Are you struggling with your wife’s criticism because she won’t cut you any slack for normal mistakes? (Getting water in baby’s eye in the bath) Or are you worried that she is right and you aren’t very good at this?
Does your wife breastfeed? The most annoying thing ever with a young breastfed baby is people who won’t give you back your baby when they are crying and want a feed. And they want feeds often. It actually physically hurts - your breasts start releasing milk when you hear the baby crying and it’s not comfortable to ignore that.
I think it would help if you try to be the go to parent for a particular task. Often with newborns bathtime works well although perhaps not if that’s already an area of conflict. Do you ever take baby out for a walk so your wife can have a nap or a batt? Our Son loved to sleep in a sling or baby carrier while we walked around. I really needed that when out DS was very small but he was an awful napper and sleeper.
Could you take the lead on say, researching weaning and first foods? Figure out what equipment you need (I recommend a stick blender if you want to make purées) and what order to introduce solids in. The NHS site has some good links.
Or could you take charge in doing the weekly shop and take baby with you so your wife gets a break - make sure it’s a fairly short trip to start with, I wouldn’t have wanted to separated from my 4month for more than about 2hours at a time.
Basically find your niche - something your wife is ok to take a back seat on that will give you confidence as a Dad.

But are the things she is picking you up on actually happening? Do you get water in the babies eyes? Don't you know how to put a nappy on? Do you share the parenting?

I have got water in baby's eyes a few times and I have put on nappies that have leaked following an explosive poo - haven't we all? In the grand scheme of things those, pretty minor errors and very infrequent. My wife has done these things too but I've never picked on her for it. We can't be perfect all the time and although she's made a few more serious boo-boos re: baby than me, I have been empathic and calm and uncritical when she has. Like you have said, to me these are normal mistakes that will happen, but the criticism I receive is unrelenting, and pretty much about everything, without any praise or acknowledgement for the things I do do. I feel that I'm doing everything I can and yet I'm told constantly that I'm rubbish. It hurts. I don't care for the British stiff upper lip, or being a "bloke", my self esteem is at a real low and just because I'm a bloke I don't think means I should just take it.

I do all the cooking and food shopping, I always have done because I enjoy it and my wife loves my cooking, so my routine is to cook and clean up and then bath baby every night as soon as I'm done with work. My favourite time of the week is bath time or walking baby in my sling but because of work, my time is limited to few hours after work each evening (including cooking and cleaning) and weekends - when I often do more major chores and jobs on our house.

I can't wait for weaning, I hope this can show my wife I can help more, because baby is exclusively breast fed which means I often feel (and frequently told) that I'm not really much use a lot of the time for the baby. I've bought a thermomix in anticipation of weaning.

I have told my wife and she just doesn't agree that she is being critical. Loggerheads

I should say, when I have raised this, she just says I'm overly sensitive and that it's just me making it up. Maybe I am and I just need to "man up"

The first few months of a baby's life are brutal both personally and relationship wise. I remember DH clipping DD's fingernail too far and making her bleed a bit and the roar that came out of my chest 'what have you done?!' scared even me. It really was nothing as well.

It does sound like she's being over critical from what you say (and without her perspective) and that is tricky. The temptation is often to retreat into work or practical house things so you feel you are contributing which of course you are but often that's a vicious cycle because it means you get less and less time just to hang around and get used to having a baby.

So in your case and if it's possible I would actually be offering to take the baby more, maybe even move work round a bit if it's at all possible, give your wife a break or just hang out the three of you, playing with the baby and whatnot. It may feel like unproductive time but you can think of it as 'team building' because that's what you are and it sounds like that's what you need.

I wound echo what someone said. Part of the issue is that she sees that everything in her life has changed... Work, body, friendships etc whilst yours stays the same. It's also partly that I know that my dh did stuff to help me but they were not the things I round have preferred he does /I would prioritise. Have your had a discussion with her about how best your can help her.

Thanks for these really helpful posts and suggestions.

I recognised this cycle (of retreat when criticised) and we discussed it. Because I have a day off work today I did the "night shift" which is one of the things she wanted from me, so my wife sleep in the other room to get a good night's sleep, and I stayed with baby from after work, bath, put her to bed (after mum fed her).

...the only instructions I had were to try to calm her in whatever way worked and to wake my wife when baby needed feeding. From about 1am to 2.45am she was grizzly but I was able to calm her with cuddles, white noise, dummy, rocking etc. But she suddenly got really upset and screaming, clearly hungry, I tried to calm her for about 5 minutes and my wife quite literally stormed in ranting at me for not waking her sooner and that "it's common knowledge that if the baby can't be soothed after one minute, that they're hungry and I should have been woken", and when I tried to say, it would have been useful for me to have had this communicated to me beforehand, she told me "I'm telling you this now because I have to put the baby first", which I took as a dig at me for not doing so... Even though I'd spent the whole night with baby and last 2 hours comforting her.

It hurt. I'm wounded today

There were times I couldn’t stand dh when the dc were babies, and I would set myself a goal of getting through a day without snapping at him (getting to 10am was an achievement). Sleep deprivation affected my personality and I was a witch to him. I tried really, really hard to rein it in but that first year was tough for us.

If the baby needs winding after a feed that’s something that you could do, and let her get back to sleep.

At weekends try and prioritise your dw’s sleep rather than house projects or diy. Even just to hold the baby between feeds would make a massive difference when you’re feeling so “touched out”. Having a baby all the time is a huge sensory overload.

Regarding the water in the eyes and the nappies, I wonder if you’re not feeling the consequences as much as she is? I mean, do you clean up the poo explosion or is it something she copes with later? I found it very, very hard to deal with anyone making more work for me when I was struggling to manage. And after having a couple of poo explosions I found solutions (bigger nappies), wrap around vests/taking vests off down the way instead of up, etc. But if you’re not dealing with the consequence there’s no motivation to find a solution iyswim.

With the bath thing, I would have been plunged into an agony of guilt by making my baby cry and been incredibly careful not to do it again. Dh definitely didn’t have those extreme reactions. He didn’t feel the dc crying like a knife in his chest. Splashing the baby’s eyes once is a mistake but doing it many times is carelessness. I’m not surprised that’s triggering a mama bear response.

I’m more sympathetic to what you’re going through than I sound. Having a baby is a steep learning curve and what works changes daily. I remember a gulf opening up between me and dh when he went back to work and I would have found a new way to hold the baby, or a trick to soothe and he would be doing it the old way.

My best advice is listen to your wife, and let her guide you. Looking back, I really appreciate that dh took instruction and advice from me and let me lead him with the dc. He still does. He had a way of prioritising and protecting me and the baby. Even now when we disagree about parenting it’s usually because he’s worried about how it’s affecting me.

I suffered quite badly with post natal anxiety. We hear a lot about post natal depression, but anxiety and rage are also a part of the spectrum of hormonal disruption. Looking back I think what got us through those rocky early days was dh’s patience, tolerance and inability to hold a grudge. Good luck.

Oh, that sounds rough. You have my permission to bathe in resentment for the next hour, and then stop and really try to think about what's going on. I know it is rough not sleeping and having a baby basically scream in your face so I think you are allowed to feel a bit sorry for yourself BUT think about her reaction. Was it rational? Er, no. Was it sudden? Yes. It was most likely an instinctive response that she felt in every fibre of her being, not unlike my nail clipping example above. I can laugh about it now but it wasn't even slightly funny at the time. Yes, it is difficult to keep doggedly trying and being knocked back and criticised but this is temporary. You have been married a long time and you know she is a good person who loves you. She is temporarily consumed with the task of looking after your baby with her whole heart and body. I know I sound dramatic but it is really difficult to explain. Keep at it. Don't retreat. Knock backs are part of life. I suspect PND is a possibility but only you and she can decide if you want to pursue that. You are a team. Remind her of that. Keep at it.

OP was your wife like this before the baby?

You must be feeling very under appreciated and unloved at the moment along with working and lack of sleep.

Hopefully this is just a blip and your wife herself is overwhelmed and scared of not being the perfect mother and scared that baby will hate her if he's not fed or cuddled etc.

Fact is you both love each and the baby and are both doing the right thing by baby.

But happy mum and dad means happy baby and you are all equally important.

You can at least escape into the world of work.

Maybe both sit down and write down all the pros and cons of each other at this moment in time and promise to talk these through together and to accept and properly listen to each other without dismissing each other's feelings.

Thank you for taking the time to post your reflections.

I have dealt with the consequences of the poos probably moreso than my wife really.

The thing you say about direction is spot on it think.... I'd be so happy to follow her lead if she would only tell me what it is that's expected. I only hear about the expectations that I've breached, after I've breached them. No matter how many times I ask her to tell me what it is that she needs and what I should do, her general response is along the lines of "you should know"... But I don't. Im not a stupid guy, pick things up quick, but I'm not a mind-reader and I don't get as much time with that baby to know the subtle ins and outs when I do have her.

Then I think you both need to sit down after writing the pros and cons etc and talk them through calmly and work out a solution. Be kind to each other

Thank you divine, they are kind and useful comments and I think that's a really good suggestion. I'd be very up for it and was even googling relationship counsellors last night, but I just don't know how I can engage her to do something like that in the first place, given that it's "all in my head"